For the Record

Over the past month, I got myself an avid reader: my number one critic and number one fan rolled into one. He never runs out of questions to throw and comments to give. He always has something to say, either to annoy me or to annoy me.

The past couple of days, this READER has been bugging me about the last composition I wrote. This composition has been a source of a number of banters that led to several arguments that last up to wee hours. I don’t know why he enjoys opposing to almost everything I say that we rarely agree on anything at all. This led to a rule that he can no longer ask questions about anything he reads on my page --- until further notice. HAHA! Seriously, though, since I had yet another light bulb moment over today’s homily, this one’s for him and his so called peace of mind.

Whatever it was that I was scared of, it was just one of the times when I felt weak about the things I foresee and the things that I know I have no control over. As open as I am, there still are a lot of things that people need to see and people fail to see. This is more than just about me being the usually bubbly and eccentric person that I am. This is more about the softer side of me: the part when I give in to being weak because being strong all the time drains out the better part of me.

I live my own life, I don’t want to be a damsel in distress waiting to be saved. I have no dreams of being a princess waiting for her happy ever after in a form of a prince in a white horse or a silver Porsche. Still, that doesn’t cross out the fact that I also need to know that I’m not in it alone. At times I’m scared to admit that because I have been so good at being on my own, doing things my way. But I also must confess that as human as I am, I do look forward to being with that one person because I know there’s so much I have to give but no one to give it to.

This isn’t me being a drama queen. This isn’t me rushing into things. God, I’ve been waiting for two good years already! This is me being human. This is me wanting to share everything with that one person and that one person alone. I’m not saying I want it now or tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the next few days. I’m just saying that I do have my moments when I feel alone and I feel the need to be comforted by not just anybody else but someone who’s going to be there for me like he never was to anybody else. Everybody needs somebody and I am just like everybody else in this case. I may not need somebody everyday but I do have my moments. And I’m pretty sure I’m not in this alone.

Now, I know we had an agreement not to talk about this anymore if we want to avoid another long argument until wee hours that makes one or both of us end up being upset. But I know that in the next few days, there will be another attempt to squeeze out answers from me because of his “curious” mind. So here’s everything he needs to know for his peace of mind.

For the record, I never like explaining myself to anybody. But since you’re the number one critic as of press time and you’re the only one I shared that composition with, then here’s my side of the story. Questions will only be entertained until midnight. Timer starts now. Tick tock, tick tock. J

The Part Where I Get Scared

I see you in a different light, you see me as I am.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You know everything about me, I know not a thing about you yet I don't care.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You keep your silence, I keep mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You look deep into my eyes, I look deeper into yours.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You make me laugh, you make me mad.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

There's that look in your eyes, there's this smile in mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

I catch myself smiling, I really don't mind.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

It's weird that I'm not scared by now when I know I should be.
NOW I REALLY SHOULD BE SCARED!

Foxed

Six days ago, in a car conversation, a good friend told me something that keeps ringing in my ear until now. I’m not sure if she was just foxed up or if she really has been meaning to tell me that for the longest time.

Being like the older sister I never had, she’s been looking after me since day one. And it’s good that I have someone to say the truth to my face at times I need it most.

I can’t recall how the topic started and why we reached that conversation because from what I remember, we were laughing our hearts out from the crazy night we just had. You know what it’s like when you and your friend are both babbling, laughing like crazy, then all of sudden one of you keeps quiet and then the conversation starts to get serious? That’s what happened.

All I remember is that she suddenly asked about some guy I went out with and she started giving me a litany of the things she learned and the things she didn’t want me to experience. She then ended it with an “It sucks when you think you have lots to choose from but when you REALLY think about it, you can’t pick any of them” statement.

Ouch!

It’s been six days since she said that and for some reason, I just can’t get it out of my head. Maybe because I can’t answer her with anything but “I know.” Because, indeed, I do know how that sucks. I do know how frustrating it can be at times when you become an option at some point just because you are too comfortable. Or how annoying it gets when you get to pull yourself out of the situation and then years later, the same guy comes back to tell you how much of a jerk he WAS. Or how frantic it becomes at some point thinking how elusive good relationships have become.

I’m cool with being single. I don’t mind not being in a relationship for as long as jerks on the loose stay away from me as well. I don’t want another summer fling or just another May-December love affair. I want nothing less than what’s worth keeping and worth fighting for.

Okay, so maybe I watched too many wedding videos lately. I can no longer put the blame on Jon Mcluaghlin this time.

Twenty Five

Okay. So last night, I was having a hard time getting some decent sleep. I was in bed turning from one side to another, with all these thoughts running in my head. Then I figured, since I'll be turning 25, then maybe it won't be such a bad idea to write about 25 things that made great impact in my life for the past 25 years: things that I am thankful for and the things that never fail to make me feel better. :)

25 Things in My Life I Am Thankful for

1. The gift of life and how beautiful it is for me. I may not live a perfect life or get anywhere near perfection but I wouldn’t trade it with anyone else’s.
2. The gift of love and how much it has become a learning experience for me.
3. The gift of family and how much I find strength in knowing that home will always be my comfort zone no matter what.
4. The gift of friendship and how I came to know who are real and who are not.
5. The gift of fate and how it made me cross paths with people who made me bring out the best and worst in me.
6. The gift of change and how I was able to change with the world.
7. The gift of acceptance and how it helps me be in a better place at all times.
8. The gift of contentment and how it makes me stop wanting what I don’t need.
9. The gift of pain and how it makes me realize that I am not invincible.
10. The gift of faith and how it makes me believe that Someone up there knows everything that goes on down here.
11. The gift of second chances and how it allows me to make up for bad choices and lost opportunities.
12. The gift of understanding and how it gives me a brighter view of the world.
13. The gift of time and how it allows me to do things that allow me to grow.
14. The gift of wisdom and how it guides me to do what’s right even when I don’t feel like it.
15. The gift of courage and how it makes me go on and seek for the great unknown
16. The gift of hope and how it helps me want to go on each day even when things are at its utter worst.
17. The gift of trust and how it allows me to build stronger relationships with the people that surrounds me.
18. The gift of forgiveness and how it lightens up my load of extra baggage that make my travel harder.
19. The gift of imperfection and how it makes me stay grounded.
20. The gift of senses and how they allow me to experience how beautiful the world is.
21. The gift of writing and how it makes me feel better all the time.
22. The gift of individuality that sets me apart from the rest.
23. The gift of patience and how I learn to keep it everyday.
24. The gift of empathy and how it prevents me from demeaning others.
25. The gift of reality and how it saves me from living a life that is untrue.

25 Things That Always Make Me Feel Better

1. Food.
2. A cup of coffee.
3. A good book.
4. A hug when I’m grumpy.
5. A kiss on the forehead.
6. Sunrise.
7. Sunset.
8. A text from someone I care about.
9. Just sitting beside a friend.
10. A good conversation.
11. Another hand holding mine.
12. A silent prayer.
13. A good song.
14. A glass of cold water.
15. Words of encouragement from someone I look up to.
16. Babies’ scent.
17. The beach.
18. The feel of sand on my feet.
19. A silent moment.
20. A sincere smile.
21. A falling star.
22. A phone call.
23. A memento.
24. Dark chocolates.
25. Sleep.

My Kind of Guy

In less than a couple of months, I’ll be 25. As much I hate to admit it, but yeah, I’ve been single for a couple of years, dating one jerk to another. And because everybody is pressuring me into having a relationship already, they keep pairing me up with whoever but end up not liking to date any of them at all.

I have high standards, I’ve been told. Well, over the years, I have grown and along with it developed my preferences. I used to alter my penchants so I can meet others’ customs, jeopardizing what I really want and maybe even deserve. So after the last guy I exclusively dated, who, by the way, made me forget about my ideals, I figured it’s time I stick to my proclivities and practice this thing called PATIENCE.

So patience it is! And patience left me single for two years and counting. :)

And because my friends, both old and new, keep compelling me to just get myself a guy already, I have to endure the bantering and the bullying all the time. But as stubborn as I am, it doesn’t really get to me, unless at times they hard sell somebody who isn’t even my type.

Over the years, I’ve been into several relationships and endured different types of personalities as much as they tried to endure mine. And because of those people I’ve been with, I actually had this list written in my subconscious until now. But rather than settling for what I want in a guy, I realized maybe it’s time I go for what I essentially need. So here goes.

1. I need a guy who can blow my mind. He has to be sharp enough to stimulate my mind and clever enough to counterpart my intellectual cravings.
2. I need a guy who understands that I’m far from the typical. I’m radically irrational. I’m blunt, I know no pretenses. I’m insanely extreme, black or white, never gray. I’m outrageous, never drawn back. I get utterly mad one minute, bubbly the next. I’m complicated and I need someone willing to live with that.
3. I need a guy who wants me for the person that I am and not for the princess he thinks I am. I’m no princess. I sit on corners drinking with my friends. I can endure life’s complexities without needing to be saved by a knight in shining armor. I don’t want my life to be that of a fairy tale. I want the real deal. I hate compliments if it only means winning me over.
4. I need a guy who can endure my persona and everything that goes with it. I’m not an angel, I’m far from being one. I’m brutally honest, I say what I mean out loud, dismissing cover-ups and facades. I’m mad when I’m mad, never keeping it in. I’m the sweetest when I feel like it, not minding the world and what it has to say. I live my life the way I want it, regardless if he’s going to be in it with me or not.
5. I need a guy who can sweep me off my feet and just forget about the rest of the world even without trying. I don’t want a guy to be someone he’s not just to get through me. I hate the “putting the best foot forward” stage. I hate it when a guy does things just to please me or my friends, only for his true colors to be revealed later on. I don’t like it when a guy tries to impress. I want to be swept off my feet without feeling the pressure, without feeling the rush. I want to feel the oblivion effortlessly.
6. I need a guy who is consistent. I don't need another inconsistency in me life right now. Got no space for more. I need someone who says what he means, means what he says, and means it forever. I don't need someone who will sweep me off my feet and blow my mind today, only to resurface weeks, months, or even years after like some guys I know
7. But above all this, I need a guy who won’t complicate my life. Yes. This one I need pretty badly. My life is complicated enough, I don’t have room for any more impediments. Period.

With that said, I know it’s like wishing on a falling star or a box to the moon. I once read somewhere that the best things in life are illegal, fattening, expensive, or married to someone else or something like that. Whatever the case, I won’t settle for less. Not this time, not anymore. And I don’t mind waiting for another year or two just to meet that one person who will make me forget the rest.

I know most of you will no longer wonder why I’m still single. You may think I’m asking for too much. I don’t mind. This is me being patient. This is me waiting for who I deserve: a guy who will make me feel that it’s alright to be real.

I'd rather forget about Mr. Right if his first name's Always or his last name's Now.