Thank You, 2012!

The year is almost at its end, and like most of us, I look back to the year that was. 2012 has been good to me and opened numerous opportunities that I never thought possible in 2011. But yes, our Supreme Being sure has His way of showing us things we should see, letting us experience the world like we should. I have been so blessed this year that I have nothing more to ask for but live a life full of thanksgiving. I know I had several failed attempts in reaching what I thought would be best for me, but as far as I’m concerned, God gave me something way better than I hoped for.

Unlike the previous years, there have been no fallouts, no disintegrations, only new friendships found, (YEY!). And while I get to experience new things and have richer familiarization of places outside my comfort zone, I know I have widened my horizon.

This year, I was able to tick a number of items off my bucket list and am reviewing it for editing purposes. I realized that there are things I used to want that I no longer want to do now. I guess my bucket list needs updating then. So here goes.

By 30, I should:

1.       Be able to do things I find hard doing ALONE. Eat, travel, shop, deal with a broken heart…

2.       Get out of my comfort zone as much as possible.

3.       Go bungee jumping or skydiving. Or simply learn how to swim AND NOT BE SCARED.

4.       Start a Tinkerbell collection. – This feels irrelevant to me now so I’m taking this off the list.

5.       Have a life worth looking back to. – Working on it.

6.       Get rid of all the negative bones in me. (Or at least I’ll try!) – Trying!

7.       Meet THAT ONE PERSON.  – YAHOOO! 

8.       Get married.

9.       Have kids.

10.   Have my own home with my own family.

11.   Start a business.

12.   Write a book.

13.   Take any course related to writing.

14.   Look for a greener pasture.  – Although this is very relative, I believe that the beauty is in the attempt, so I’m taking this one off the list as well.

15.   Learn another language. Or two.

16.   Take up theology. 

17.   Create a portfolio of my own writings.

18.   Feel filthy rich despite what I have not. J

19.   Save up for the Venice trip I’m gunna have with that one person. – Okay, so I know I’ve been dying to go Venice since I first saw that movie whose title I can’t even remember. BUT, over the years, I outgrew wanting to go to the place and developed another preference. Sooooo, this one’s off the list, too! Phuket and The Carribbean, wait for us!

By 30 I should know:

1.       How to love myself more.

2.       How to love without losing my way.

3.       When to hold on and when to let go.

4.       When enough is enough.

While I am still trying to decide what I’m adding to the list, I decided to tick off all the items in the second part because they all come simultaneously when I ticked off #7 approximately 20 months ago. This makes me feel all the more blessed in so many ways. Double yey!!!

So as this year is coming to an end, I look back happily to the year that was and look forward optimistically to the year that will be.

Cheers!

Because of you, I learned how to be stronger in order to keep things together and keep them from falling apart.

Because of you, I learned to be cautious with how I handle things, how I let them go, and how I balance both.

Because of you, I learned to love myself more and appreciate the smallest things in life.

Because of you, I felt like new again, forgetting that I was ever hurt in the past.

Because of you, I see things differently.

Because of you, life seems lighter, brighter, happier.

Because of you, I learned to let go of the fear of falling, fear of losing myself to someone, fear of loving again.

Because of you, I learned to get rid of the bad things and get a grip of the good ones.

Because of you, I became a better version of myself.

Because of you, because of you…  BECAUSE OF YOU. J

I know I don't say this often but THANK YOU.

• For bearing with my not so normal ways and my ever changing temper.
• For hearing me out even at times I get absurd.
• For being patient even when I get too hard to handle.
• For making me laugh at my own abnormalities. :p
• For seeing me as I am even when I'm too complicated to be understood just like that.
• For making me comfortable in your world and for trying to be comfortable in mine.

Whatever it is that we have right now, THANK YOU because you make me smile more than you know you do. :)

Bipolar

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to know I’m standing on solid ground.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just don’t want my time wasted over something that might not be there.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to safely guard my heart.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to find a reason to be assertive on this,

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often, I really don’t.

I just need to know it’s worth the try.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need that one person to give me a reason not to.

For the Record

Over the past month, I got myself an avid reader: my number one critic and number one fan rolled into one. He never runs out of questions to throw and comments to give. He always has something to say, either to annoy me or to annoy me.

The past couple of days, this READER has been bugging me about the last composition I wrote. This composition has been a source of a number of banters that led to several arguments that last up to wee hours. I don’t know why he enjoys opposing to almost everything I say that we rarely agree on anything at all. This led to a rule that he can no longer ask questions about anything he reads on my page --- until further notice. HAHA! Seriously, though, since I had yet another light bulb moment over today’s homily, this one’s for him and his so called peace of mind.

Whatever it was that I was scared of, it was just one of the times when I felt weak about the things I foresee and the things that I know I have no control over. As open as I am, there still are a lot of things that people need to see and people fail to see. This is more than just about me being the usually bubbly and eccentric person that I am. This is more about the softer side of me: the part when I give in to being weak because being strong all the time drains out the better part of me.

I live my own life, I don’t want to be a damsel in distress waiting to be saved. I have no dreams of being a princess waiting for her happy ever after in a form of a prince in a white horse or a silver Porsche. Still, that doesn’t cross out the fact that I also need to know that I’m not in it alone. At times I’m scared to admit that because I have been so good at being on my own, doing things my way. But I also must confess that as human as I am, I do look forward to being with that one person because I know there’s so much I have to give but no one to give it to.

This isn’t me being a drama queen. This isn’t me rushing into things. God, I’ve been waiting for two good years already! This is me being human. This is me wanting to share everything with that one person and that one person alone. I’m not saying I want it now or tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the next few days. I’m just saying that I do have my moments when I feel alone and I feel the need to be comforted by not just anybody else but someone who’s going to be there for me like he never was to anybody else. Everybody needs somebody and I am just like everybody else in this case. I may not need somebody everyday but I do have my moments. And I’m pretty sure I’m not in this alone.

Now, I know we had an agreement not to talk about this anymore if we want to avoid another long argument until wee hours that makes one or both of us end up being upset. But I know that in the next few days, there will be another attempt to squeeze out answers from me because of his “curious” mind. So here’s everything he needs to know for his peace of mind.

For the record, I never like explaining myself to anybody. But since you’re the number one critic as of press time and you’re the only one I shared that composition with, then here’s my side of the story. Questions will only be entertained until midnight. Timer starts now. Tick tock, tick tock. J