Blame it on Jon Mclaughlin

I’m in one of those moments when everything is at its perspective but it just doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know if this is just one of my temporary insanities, yet another down cycle, or if I’m having a quarter-life crisis. Whichever the case doesn’t matter because it all feels the same, anyway.

I guess everybody has been there at some point, waking up every single day to what seems to be routinary. You go to work, you party, you go to work, you party. You have all the fun in the world but you end up asking yourself at the end of the day if that is all there is to it.

Okay, okay… So maybe I had too much of Jon Mclaughlin’s Beautiful Disaster. Or maybe I just got tired of waiting for my happy ever after. It’s that feeling of emptiness when you start and end the day on your own with several people in between. Yes, you have fun. Tons of it. But life isn’t just about having fun, is it?

My life is always on the edge, almost always complicated. Never boring, to say the least. I therefore can’t say that I am just bored. Or maybe I just got used to being on the edge that even the complications bore me now. Alright, so maybe I am bored.

Perhaps I’m past the life-is-but-a-party stage. Perhaps I need to meet new faces, see new places that will amaze me. Perhaps I now need to slow down and see the bigger picture, capture the greater things in life. Perhaps I need answers that don’t start with perhaps. Perhaps…

I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of weeks already and I feel weird not being my usual bubbly self. I hate faking smiles but I sometimes have no choice because if I don't, everything will crumble for no apparent reason at all. That will be worse than just feeling down just because I feel like it.

I’m hoping this is just PMS because I don’t want to feel like this for long. So, NO… I’d rather not think this is a temporary insanity, another down cycle, or a quarter-life crisis because it sucks when even The Script’s For the First Time fails to cheer me up. It normally does on my bubbly days.

So if tomorrow you find me grumpy, cranky, and dull, blame it on Jon Mclaughlin.

The End... At Last.

I had to bare my soul yet again. Maybe because there were things I didn’t tell you the last time. Or because I held back so you won’t know. Or because I was afraid you don’t feel the same. Or that you’d notice and things might just fall apart… again.

I’m at a loss. Not knowing what to do, what to say, what to keep, what to let go. But you know me. I’d rather be hurt with what’s true than be happy with what’s not. So here I am, ripping my heart open even if it kills me. And yes, it does. It kills me because even after more than half a decade, it still hurts like hell.

More than half a decade and there have been several people in between. You continued living your life as I tried living mine. But what difference does it make, moving on, when each and every single time we meet feels just like the old times? Me wanting to just freeze in time, you holding me like it’s always the first time.

But is this just a game? I have to ask. I have to know. Because if this is, then I’ll play it with you because I refuse to be played. If this is just a game then let’s play it together, you and I, until we know who wins. Maybe by then there’ll be an end to this cycle. Maybe if I lost, I can then move on for real. And if I win, we’ll have each other for keeps and start from there.

You know I’ve always been honest with you, with how I feel. So this time, I’ll tell you the truth like the old times. That night means so much more to me than you would ever imagine. You know how I tried to avoid you the first time we met again after 5 long years. But six months after, fate took its own course and I lost control over the situation. I could’ve stayed with you and spent more time. But it was all I can take. I had to stop before we both went overboard. Lying there with you, catching up on the times we lost, I could’ve just told you what I’m telling you now. I could’ve just asked you to never let me go ever again. I could’ve just stayed there and forget the rest of the world. I could have… I would have…

But I didn't...

So here I am, baring my soul again, telling you the truth even if it hurts. This isn’t the first time but it’ll be the last.

3 January 2011

Welcome 2011!

The time of the year has come for me to look back and see what I have become during the 300 and 65 days that have passed. It’s time for me to run through the many blessings that were given to me and go over the things I need to leave behind as the year closes. It’s crazy how much we realize the changes only after so much has passed but overlook what we do to make things change in our everyday lives. Again, I don’t live a perfect life. My life is far from perfect, even. But there’s nothing more I can ask for except for better days and better ways.

2010 has been one hell of a ride for me. It may not be as extreme and intense as last year was but this year has not only been good to me, it has been way better!

This year, I have fallen out of love as fast as I have fallen into it. I got my heart broken (again), broken someone’s heart, and fixed what was broken. I saw an old love, rekindled an old flame, and renewed an old friendship. I fell, I failed, I got back up again. I loved, I lost, but I found out that what I was looking for has been here all along. I rediscovered the magic my soul mate brings, forgot he ever broke my heart, and started a new chapter of amity even if it means for us to be just friends from then on. I hurt myself, hurt somebody else, and learned to keep things at a slower pace so as not to leave the important details behind. I learned the value of waiting, being waited for, and knowing that I don’t always get what I want the moment I want it. I realize that it’s okay to let people go and that it’s not always good to hold on and fight for what we feel. I discovered that it’s alright to give up at times most especially when it’s not worth trying for anymore. I understood that winning isn’t always everything and that it’s okay to lose sometimes. But most importantly, despite all of life’s diversions, I still believe that the greatest gifts in life are the gifts of faith, fate, family, and friends.

Without faith, there will be nothing to look up to. Without fate, there will be nothing to look forward to. Without family, there will be no one to come home to. Without friends, there will be no one to run to.

As I close my 2010, I would like to extend my deep gratitude to everyone who came and left, who came and stayed for a while, and most especially to those who came and hang about. Life wouldn’t be as crazy without all of you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve been blessed with a lot of good friends this year and they all came at the right moment, at the right place, with the right reasons. You are life’s greatest gift to me! =)

So as I bid farewell to 2010, out the door goes all the pains, the confusions, unnecessary stresses, false hopes, and all the negativities I felt this year. Here’s to hoping for more genuine laughter with genuine friends, happier days and healthier ways, fulfillment of realistic dreams, stronger faith, and a blissful heart.

Welcome, 2011!

31 December 2010

Happy 1st, TSC!

Exactly 365 days ago, a beautiful gift was given to me. What was meant to be only a year-end escapade became a support group for us who ended the year with broken hearts. Yes, the five of us ended 2009 with hearts cold and searching. 365 days later, we still are all single. But it’s good to know that none of us is broken hearted anymore. We may be single as we close 2010 but our hearts are not as cold as it had been in 2009. And it’s enlightening to know that we all have become happier individuals from the time we first got together.

Moree: I’m glad that as we close this year, we no longer talk about heartbreaks and heartaches. Our conversations have grown with us as we have outgrown our pains. =)

Nina: The same goes for you. You have conquered a lot of fears and dried a lot of tears this year and I’m proud of you.

Thamer: We’ve always been at each other’s beck and call and that is how we’ll always be.

Adie: You’re always missing in action that’s why we always look forward to being with you. Hopefully, you’ll spend more days with us on 2011.

Here’s to wishing we won’t close 2011 with lonely hearts! Happy 1st, TSC! ♥

30 December 2010

25 Random Facts

20 September 2009

1. I am a Reformed Christian. Yes, I am. And I’m so so proud of it. This became an inside joke before knowing I sometimes go home at the crack of dawn just to sleep an hour or so and wake up and go to church still groggy and all or does not go home at all and goes directly to church straight from an all night’s party that i would usually refer myself as the only ngarag Christian there is. But friends, on the other hand, would prefer to see it in a different outlook: they see me as the most faithful party girl. And I do take it as a compliment knowing faith is a whole lot more important to me than most people think.

2. I sleep and eat a lot. It’s just not obvious. HAHA! I’m such a pig that people often wonder where everything I devour goes to.

3. I don’t talk as much anymore. Yes. Unlike before, I’d rather keep a lot of things to myself now. I’m living one helluva life. I don’t think I have to spell it out for everyone.

4. I’m wiser now. I’m not getting any younger. Well, who is? I may not be looking any older but I’m pretty sure I’m getting more mature by the minute.

5. I don’t believe in against all odds anymore. As I said, I’ve grown wiser. There’s more to it than drowning yourself with the person when you know you can just swim across the shore and save yourself.

6. I believe everything in life is relative. So i don’t go pleasing everyone. I know I just can’t. I never will. So i won’t.

7. I’m happy to be apart from the world that used to revolve around me. I love my new life. No people prying in on what-nots and all the things that are totally not their business. I love the air of freedom. Of peace. Apart from the rest…

8. Dreams. A lot of things occur to me when I’m asleep. I, too, find it weird. But i usually wake up in the middle of the night with things going on in my head. Things i should know, things i should remember, things that just wake me up. To reality. And however weird it gets, it helps a lot of reality check for me cuz the things that occur to me when I’m asleep are things that are actually about to happen, or has happened without me knowing face-front. Can I get any weirder?

9. The first eight things I've written actually came from 8's On My List.http://chellosheng.blogspot.com/2009/04/8s-on-my-list.html

10. I so love balut I can actually eat six in one seating, I uber like isaw andadidas, too, but it'll take a miracle for you to make me eat saging. Yeah, that's right. I don't eat bananas. Not even banana spilt or banana cue or the ones found in binignit and halohalo.

11. I've been writing compositions since I was eight. Thank God for giving me this part time job, I no longer am a frustrated writer.

12. For the longest time I convinced myself I have low to no standards. Little did I know mine are actually harder to attain.

13.I'm more of an alternative listener. Classics I also like. Pop I don't like that much, let alone rock metal which I absolutely can't tolerate.

14. I prefer to be one-OF-the guys than be one-FOR-the-guys. You can make me sit sa may kanto and jam with the guys playing guitar and just enjoy the conversations that all end with poop.

15. Never have I imagined myself being an engineer, nor do the people who know how much of a kikay I can be.But here I am, months away from being one.

16. I'm a sucker for happy endings but I'd rather find Mr. Real than be deceived by the thoughts of Mr. Perfect, who, in my opinion, doesn't exist at all.

17.One of my secret wishes is to be a missionary in Africa. So there goes my secret!

18.At 23, I've been proposed to thrice. Now tell me, do I really look like I'm wife material?

19.Crossing the street alone still scares the hell out of me e-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e.

20. Tying shoelaces that ends actually tied up is a real task to me. I just tie a knot twice and hide the rest at the sides and that's about it.

21. I write really good compositions only when I'm in my extreme moments, be it extremely happy or otherwise. Still, work's another story.

22. If you're looking for a song that exactly describes the whole of me, try listening to She's Always a Woman to Me.

23. I firmly believe life is so much easier when people tell the truth regardless of how painful that truth may be.

24. The only porno videos I saw were that of Katrina Halili and Maricar Reyes, which I did only out of sheer curiosity and which I never even watched halfway, I might add.

25. I wasn't really tagged for me to write this. I just saw Boobie's notes and decided to write one for myself.