20 February 2010

Flatline

Flatline- (verb) Die; with reference to the condition when the heart stops beating and the person dies.

Flatline. Heart no longer beating. This is generally when a person dies, feels no more, and moves on to a better place. All the pains, the worries, the dramas are left behind in this worldly world.

Minority would be thankful for the passing of a loved one as it allows the latter to pass on to a place where pain does not anymore exist while majority would cry over the loss.

I would go for the former.

Generally, when a person is in great pain, he would rather stop breathing than be tortured every single second of his life. Sometimes, a dying person stops fighting for life and would just want to “go home” instead. Sometimes, one would just want to leave the hurtful world he lives in just to escape the pain.

Flatline. No more signs of any lub-dub in the heart. Signs of life slipping away swiftly.

This might be a post-Valentine realization brought about by my post-Valentine coffee date with Sai or just one of the dramas of yet another sleepless night. But, yes, just like Sai, I no longer see signs of life (or hope) to the sitch we are in, thus, the label FLATLINE.

Flatline because just like what reflects in the monitor when a person dies, our lines would’ve been flat by now had we been connected to some device. Flat not because we are literally dead but because not a zigzag line can be seen as a glimmer of hope of reviving what could’ve been beautiful.

As I have said, given the chance, if it’s only possible, I would go for being happy over a lost love because I’d rather see it as allowing the person to be in a better place. Not because I still am in the realm of martyrdom but because I believe that if I have given all I can but the person still chose to leave, then I no longer have any business with him. I suppose the same goes with Sai. It’ll hurt for a while, yes. It might even suck. But in the long run, we both realized that the beauty is in the attempt.

Still, though my wounds are fresher than that of Sai, it doesn’t mean she hurts any less. And though we can both smile about it now, it doesn’t mean even the slightest zigzag lines can now be seen. None is in sight.

Had we been dying persons, a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” sign would’ve been placed by now. This is because we, too, would want to move on to a better place.

I cannot speak for Sai but at there are times I chose to wallow in pain because that’s the only thing I have left of the loss. The wiser part of me knows better though. I’d rather stop breathing to make my heartbeat eventually stop.

I’m in pain but I’d rather keep my silence.

And this is where the *sigh* part comes in. I’D RATHER BE IN A FLATLINE.


When you're in great pain, who wouldn't be?

Almost


Almost but not quite...


***The long overdue coffee date with Sai earlier today was a blast. And if we only recorded our almost five hour conversation, it would've been something I'm pretty sure a lot of girls can relate to. Not only was it a very open exchange, it was also an exchange of one broken heart to another. Sai's stories somehow reflected mine and vice versa. (Had I known, Sai, we should've had that conversation long ago. By that time, I wasn't in my temporary insanity mode yet. Hehe) Anyway, during the course of the conversation, there was a mention of the song Almost by Tamia, hence, this post.***


Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's too late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say is I shoulda grabbed you up and never let you go
I shoulda went out with you
I shoulda made you my boo boy
Yeah that's one time I shoulda broke the rules
I shoulda went on a date
Shoulda found a way to escape
Shoulda turned a almost into
If it happend now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel


I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You're all that I ever wanted
And you're my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpmvcAE5PlE

LOVE... What's it to You?

Here's a text message I received from a friend earlier today. I'd like to share it with all of you with the hope that through this, you'll get to figure out what the phrase means to you the same way I figured out mine.

I LOVE YOU...

A warning.
An apology.
An interruption.
A plea for attention.
An objection.
A justification.
A reminder.
A trap.
A blessing.
A disguise.
A vacuum.
A revelation.
A way of saying nothing.
A way of summarizing everything.
A surrender.
An opening.
An end.



*** For the meantime, it's a surrender and an end for me. What's it to you?

05 February 2010

A Heart That's About to Break

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It resembles a frozen lake whose thin ice is very gradually cracking until the whole thin sheet breaks into a zillion pieces and all that's left is a big, cold hole in the middle. Big, cold hole... Big enough to think it'll never be whole again, cold enough to make one reach his numbest state.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like a water balloon that's about to explode. The more water you put into it, the heavier the balloon gets. The heavier it gets, the fuller it becomes. And when it explodes, the balloon bursts into a hundred pieces never to be whole again.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like dropping a piece of glass from the 99th floor. When it reaches the ground, you'll never find all of the pieces ever again.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like a hundred storey building crumble into pieces. It scares you to look at it but you can't do anything to stop it from doing so.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It feels like committing suicide but ending up alive. barely breathing but still alive. And because you ended up alive, the pain is tripled by the shame it brings.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's what you see when you want something within your reach but you really can't. It's what you feel when you have something in your hands that you want oh so badly but you know it will fade away any second from that moment.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And it feels like breaking any minute from now. Or is it already breaking? Can it still be saved?

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And I'm looking at the one responsible for it.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And I'm looking at mine. :(