One Encounter

I could’ve died in an instant. I could’ve stopped breathing. And I can swear that from where I was standing, I felt the time stop for a few seconds. I could’ve just frozen in that moment, in that gaze, in that place. I would’ve died and asked the earth to swallow me whole and never spit me out ever again. I would’ve if I only could. But I’m getting sick and tired of all the should’ve, would’ve, and could’ve beens. My nights have been full of it and I’d gladly get rid of it had it been that easy to do so. It comes back the moment you thought you’re better off and pulls you down again. That’s why a part of me wanted to deal with it face front and asked for an encounter to give me peace of mind.

So they always say be careful what you wish for. I never listened. Now I realized I should have. Had I not let it pass the other ear, I wouldn’t have been writing this now. Had I not allowed my just-let-be-be-i-know-exactly-what-I’m-doing self to act and react on impulse, I wouldn’t have been blabbering about it now.

I asked for one encounter, one good exchange.

I got it after months of faithfully praying for it. Yes, I did pray for it on a daily basis. And it kills me e-ve-ry-time because it was like praying for a miracle. It was a tedious task of asking for something that might not happen in the near future.

Maybe God wanted me to develop my patience. Or maybe He simply deemed it’s for my own good to let me wait that long before He grants my prayer. Whatever the case, God’s ways are always better than ours, than mine. And the encounter I had may be the best answer to my persistent and insistent prayers.

Did He finally grow tired of my asking? I think not. Maybe He gave me my answer because He thinks my heart was already prepared to face the truth. Was it the answer I was expecting? No. It actually took my heart in a whirlwind again. But it’s actually better than not having an answer at all. It’s been months and it was the first time I came close to something or anything that is involved with my long time prayer. So even when my heart wants to pray for it some more, I decided not to anymore.

Because I figured it might really not be meant for me after all. I’m even convinced to not anymore seek for an explanation because I might believe over again. Maybe he doesn’t even have a good one. So I’m letting things go and I’m letting things be.

Tonight, I decide not to ask for more. That encounter may not be the one I played on my mind over and over again but it’s for the best. God wouldn’t have brought us in that place in that very same moment without a cause. He made our paths cross and eyes meet for the last time for a good reason.

I’m holding on to that.

The encounter I prayed for was given to me the least moment I expected but it was given to me. That’s more than enough.

That one encounter may have broken my heart again but it was also the reason I should keep wanting to pick up the broken pieces. I dare not cry a single tear. I’d rather keep moving forward.

Tonight, I’m slashing out one item from my itinerary. The encounter I asked for has been granted so I’m taking that part out of the list. Therefore, this is goodbye to longing and hello to peace of mind. *HOPEFULLY*

I'm giving my heart a break from all of these so I'm giving sad compositions a break...

1 June '10