For the Record

Over the past month, I got myself an avid reader: my number one critic and number one fan rolled into one. He never runs out of questions to throw and comments to give. He always has something to say, either to annoy me or to annoy me.

The past couple of days, this READER has been bugging me about the last composition I wrote. This composition has been a source of a number of banters that led to several arguments that last up to wee hours. I don’t know why he enjoys opposing to almost everything I say that we rarely agree on anything at all. This led to a rule that he can no longer ask questions about anything he reads on my page --- until further notice. HAHA! Seriously, though, since I had yet another light bulb moment over today’s homily, this one’s for him and his so called peace of mind.

Whatever it was that I was scared of, it was just one of the times when I felt weak about the things I foresee and the things that I know I have no control over. As open as I am, there still are a lot of things that people need to see and people fail to see. This is more than just about me being the usually bubbly and eccentric person that I am. This is more about the softer side of me: the part when I give in to being weak because being strong all the time drains out the better part of me.

I live my own life, I don’t want to be a damsel in distress waiting to be saved. I have no dreams of being a princess waiting for her happy ever after in a form of a prince in a white horse or a silver Porsche. Still, that doesn’t cross out the fact that I also need to know that I’m not in it alone. At times I’m scared to admit that because I have been so good at being on my own, doing things my way. But I also must confess that as human as I am, I do look forward to being with that one person because I know there’s so much I have to give but no one to give it to.

This isn’t me being a drama queen. This isn’t me rushing into things. God, I’ve been waiting for two good years already! This is me being human. This is me wanting to share everything with that one person and that one person alone. I’m not saying I want it now or tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the next few days. I’m just saying that I do have my moments when I feel alone and I feel the need to be comforted by not just anybody else but someone who’s going to be there for me like he never was to anybody else. Everybody needs somebody and I am just like everybody else in this case. I may not need somebody everyday but I do have my moments. And I’m pretty sure I’m not in this alone.

Now, I know we had an agreement not to talk about this anymore if we want to avoid another long argument until wee hours that makes one or both of us end up being upset. But I know that in the next few days, there will be another attempt to squeeze out answers from me because of his “curious” mind. So here’s everything he needs to know for his peace of mind.

For the record, I never like explaining myself to anybody. But since you’re the number one critic as of press time and you’re the only one I shared that composition with, then here’s my side of the story. Questions will only be entertained until midnight. Timer starts now. Tick tock, tick tock. J

The Part Where I Get Scared

I see you in a different light, you see me as I am.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You know everything about me, I know not a thing about you yet I don't care.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You keep your silence, I keep mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You look deep into my eyes, I look deeper into yours.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You make me laugh, you make me mad.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

There's that look in your eyes, there's this smile in mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

I catch myself smiling, I really don't mind.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

It's weird that I'm not scared by now when I know I should be.
NOW I REALLY SHOULD BE SCARED!

Foxed

Six days ago, in a car conversation, a good friend told me something that keeps ringing in my ear until now. I’m not sure if she was just foxed up or if she really has been meaning to tell me that for the longest time.

Being like the older sister I never had, she’s been looking after me since day one. And it’s good that I have someone to say the truth to my face at times I need it most.

I can’t recall how the topic started and why we reached that conversation because from what I remember, we were laughing our hearts out from the crazy night we just had. You know what it’s like when you and your friend are both babbling, laughing like crazy, then all of sudden one of you keeps quiet and then the conversation starts to get serious? That’s what happened.

All I remember is that she suddenly asked about some guy I went out with and she started giving me a litany of the things she learned and the things she didn’t want me to experience. She then ended it with an “It sucks when you think you have lots to choose from but when you REALLY think about it, you can’t pick any of them” statement.

Ouch!

It’s been six days since she said that and for some reason, I just can’t get it out of my head. Maybe because I can’t answer her with anything but “I know.” Because, indeed, I do know how that sucks. I do know how frustrating it can be at times when you become an option at some point just because you are too comfortable. Or how annoying it gets when you get to pull yourself out of the situation and then years later, the same guy comes back to tell you how much of a jerk he WAS. Or how frantic it becomes at some point thinking how elusive good relationships have become.

I’m cool with being single. I don’t mind not being in a relationship for as long as jerks on the loose stay away from me as well. I don’t want another summer fling or just another May-December love affair. I want nothing less than what’s worth keeping and worth fighting for.

Okay, so maybe I watched too many wedding videos lately. I can no longer put the blame on Jon Mcluaghlin this time.