More Than My Share of Gifts =)

One early morning days before Christmas, my mentor texted me and said she hopes I get my share of gifts. I thanked her and humbly said I got more than I ever thought I even deserve.

On Christmas Eve, I opened a lot of gifts. Each one reflected something in me and I appreciate how each giver knows my preferences and has taken the time to carefully choose each present. I opened each gift with excitement and appreciated all of them equally. These material gifts represent how the giver perceives me and I’m glad they know me well enough. I don’t have the means yet to reciprocate every material thing I received but from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU:

To Rodel for the cutee white purse,
To Jonas for the book and glow pops,
To Mader for the vintage necklace and bangles,
To Mommy for the necklaces,
To Daddy for the money,
To Dada, Tito Al, and Mommy Beng for the bag and mind games,
To Tita Dading for the rhinestone headband, and
To Moree for the chain headband.

Having said that, there still are a lot more gifts I would like to thank for. These are the gifts that fill up what the material gifts can’t. These are the gifts that cannot be measured but give me the most satiable feeling there is. These are the gifts that I know make the person that I am today. These are the gifts that money can’t buy. These are the gifts that I thank God endlessly for:

The gift of life. I may not get to live the best life in the world, I may not get to have everything I desire, waking up early in the morning may be a struggle for me more often than not, and I may even wish sometimes that I don’t wake up anymore at all but the fact that I still wake up to a new day brings hope for better tomorrows.

The gift of hope. Things may be at its utter worst at times and rain may bring gloom to our hearts as it does to our days but sunrise and rainbows always, always offer us the enlightenment that when there is darkness, there is light afterwards. We just have to hang on a little bit more and wait for the right time. Just as there is rainbow after every rain, there is sunrise after every sunset, a constant reminder that with every negative phenomenon comes something positive.

The gift of faith. This gift helps me get by every waking hour. It helps to know that Someone up there knows what’s going on down here even when we don’t.

The gift of love. It may be that one thing that makes the strongest weak, the wisest dumb, the happiest sad, but it also is that one thing that makes us smile despite all the chaos our hearts are going through. It is still that one thing that makes our world go ‘round, makes our heart beat a little faster than the usual, and gives us reasons to stay awake a little longer because reality is at long last better than our dreams.

The gift of fate. People may come and go even without our consent, they may enter and leave our lives without any warning, they may touch our hearts and hurt us just the same even when we don’t want them to and we may not understand right away why but beneath every footprint each person leaves behind is a lesson and a memory to be learned and to be cherished.

The gift of truth. That amid all the white lies, great lies, and alibis I still search for the truth no matter how brutal it can get. This is because I’d rather be hurt with what’s true than be loved and lied to.

The gift of friends. That despite all the diversities I still have people in my life who agree to disagree with me and respect my differences at the end of the day, that I do have people in my life who love me even during my ugliest, most dragging, and most unbearable personality.

The gift of family. I know I am not in constant agreement with my family. In fact, it is the other way around. We disagree on the smallest things, argue over the shallowest ideas, snap even when there is no apparent reason to but I am proud to say that when I need some backing up, I would never hesitate to call on them. This one here makes me very, very blessed. ÜÜÜ

And finally, the gift of writing. Something I will never trade for anything else in the world. Ever. As one writer puts it, “the day I stop writing is the day I die”. The same goes for me. For as long as I live, for as long as I feel, I shall write. There’s no stopping me. This is my greatest release and my greatest gift. I write when I’m sad, I write when I’m happy, I write when I’m mad. I write whenever I feel like it, I write when I'm bored. I write when I can’t sleep, I wake up in the middle of my sleep whenever something occurs to me that I need to write about. I write when I’m hurt, I write when I just can’t understand the world. And I feel better afterward. So to stop writing would mean I should stop breathing as well.

Being able to write all these gifts constantly remind me of how blessed a person I truly am. More than just those wrapped in the wrappings I tore, I know I’m more blessed with those I can’t unwrap but can share because these are the things I get to have and share every day of my life and not just receive on Christmas Day. So for me to humbly say that I am blessed with so much more than I ever asked for would be an understatement because my cup is not only full to its brim, it overflows.

Have a blessed 2010 everyone!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

As the year is almost coming to an end, I think about the touching moments of my 2009. My year may not have been how I hoped it would be but I wouldn't have it any other way because this year is, so far, the most moving year for me. What with the many discoveries, lessons learned the hardest way, and realizations that occurred during all of the 300 and 65 days of 2009. Though it has been the most tragic, nerve-wracking year for me, I'd still say I'm gifted with knowing who stayed real, who's just there because it was fun, and who left because the fun part's over. Nevertheless, for the never-ending blessings the Lord has showered me with, I am one blessed dudette!=)

So as I bid farewell to 2009, I do so to the following as well:

• the heartaches and pains of a love gone awry


• the pretensions of false friendships


• the holding on to the wrong things and


• the trying to fix what can no longer be put back together in one piece

And while I close those doors, I also open my heart to knowing that:

• there is a Superior Being up there who sees and hears all things down here


• faith can move mountains if we just let it


• I am blessed with the people who remained true regardless of how ugly things can be


• love still makes one's world go 'round


• at the end of the day, there's still no greater feeling than the love of family and


• no matter how elusive it may be for some, serendipity still exists

With that, I say thank you to everyone who touched my life this year, most especially to:

• Amor- for the unfailing friendship that we have, for being there even during wee hours just to comfort me from all of life's diversions


• Thamer- for knowing the worst but seeing the best in me at all times. This also goes out to Badet, Rodel, Rankine, Badai, Marvin, Ernelie, Janice, Joyce Mae, Easter, Janice, Jonas, Richie and Eul.


• Mommy Liz- for the love that's shared even when we're oceans apart


• Ita- for the comfort you bring despite the distance


• Yayo- for being my soulmate, my blessing


• Ma'am Juvy- for being my mentor and friend. Your insights have inspired me more than you know.


• Aiai- for being my BFF slash partner-in-crime


• Arlen- for bringing me closer to God. For that, you're my angel


• Boobie- for being my mirror of the ugly truths and for telling me that without hurting my feelings. Your text messages never fail to cheer me up. I'll always be you Grade 5, gang!


• Ate Jan- for simply being my ate. You just don't know the comfort it brings. Love you te!


• Rosee- you may not know it but those conversations we have create some sort of relief. And for that, thanks a lot!

Here's a toast to better tomorrows and brighter dreams! And another one to the gift of real friendships, both old and new, for staying true to the word even at the direst times and for making the experience worth the roller coaster ride. Here's to a lot more!

As we say goodbye to broken dreams, unfulfilled promises, failed relationships, and unfinished businesses, let's say hello and welcome hope, love, and faith back into our lives and welcome the new year with a bigger bang than we did last year.

But most especially, here's to God Almighty for:

• being my fortress every second of the day


• guiding and guarding my heart


• blessing me with so much more than I thought I deserve


• the gift of life, love, friends, family, for the gift of hope, the gift of faith, and the gift of fate


• the gift of being a blessing to others


• taking control of my life


• taking me out of my misery and


• surrounding me with wonderful, wonderful people

I don't know what lies ahead and sometimes the coming of the unknown scares me. But thinking of how blessed I've always been makes me think I'm prepared to face whatever comes whenever it comes. So to everyone who touched my life in 2009, THANK YOU. Here's to hoping 2010 will be a blessed year for each one of us!

** Happy Holidays!**

13 December 2009

It's Complicated

Single. In a relationship. Married. It's complicated.

The first time I read the last status around 7 years ago, it made me wonder how it ever became part of the choices of one's relationship status. Ideally, when one is in a relationship, one is in that relationship no matter how complicated that relationship is. Otherwise, one is single, no questions asked. I then said to myself, I'll never be in an "it's complicated" status. Ever. So for years, I'm either single or in a relationship.

Fast forward to the present, I now understand why in the world such status exists.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

In a world where it gets easier to break the heart of the one you're with, the heart of another, or any heart for that matter, relationships really get complicated even without your consent. Relationships get harder to define and the phrase "we're just friends" became the most overrated phrase next to "I love you". "I love you" became easier to say even to the one you're not officially with. Times are indeed changing and what used to be simple and defined becomes complex and amorphous. Is it just because of the rapid influx of technology or is just because we allow it to be? Maybe a little of both, maybe not.

So how does one define an "it's complicated" status? Allow me to present to you a few scenarios.

SCENARIO A: Girl meets Boy, one gets fascinated with the other, both fell in love over time, and can't seem to get enough of each other. Sounds sweet, right? But just like any other relationship, there's always a drawback. And drawback this couple have... One of them is committed to another. Relationship status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO B: Girl is in a relationship but wants out. Boyfriend wants to stay, does not give Girl the freedom she's dying to have. Girl considers herself single, Boyfriend's relationship status is still "in a relationship". Girl meets other boys, Boyfriend gets jealous but can't do anything about it. Relationship status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO C: Girl and Boy breaks up, moved on with their lives, commit themselves to another. Both are happy with the people they're with, or so they thought. Just when they thought everything has fallen into place, some twist of fate drew them back to each other. They saw each other somewhere, eyes met, old flame rekindled. Boy is already engaged but wants to be with the Girl. Boy is willing to break up with fiancee, Girl not wanting him to do it. Girl and Boy secretly meets up several times after that. The verdict? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO D: Girl and Boy call each other bestfriends. Girl is secretly in love with Boy, Boy treats her like a girlfriend. BUT... so does a couple of other girls! Girl hopes Boy might realize one day soon, Boy is either taking advantage of Girl's undying love or is just oblivious of what Girl feels. Girl waits, Boy plays around. Status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

The given scenarios are only a tiny fraction of the many out there. But these are the most common, most happening, most familiar. There are actually hundreds other more.

Normally, it's easy for us to tell friends to just get the hell out of the sitch and be with someone they deserve better. But we all know how it goes... Either they refuse to listen or listen without actually listening. It's sometimes simple for us to just think people who allow themselves to be caught up in such are either masochists or are just plain dim-wits. But when we really think about it, emotional attachment is something no one's an expert of. Even the strongest loses his strength, the wisest becomes dumb.

No one wants a complicated relationship status. No one wants to be with someone he can't call his own. Given that, why do people still allow themselves to be in such circumstance? Simply because emotions are not as easy to turn off as one does to a switch. The emotional struggle is not that easy to discharge. And so, it takes a lot to actually finally be able to stand firm and bid farewell to "it's complicated" and finally switch to the "single" status. Or sometimes, the hopeful in us makes us want to wait a little longer until we can at last turn our status to "in a relationship".

This happens to not only a few but to many of us. Right this moment, I know of several people who consider their status "it's complicated". Bits and pieces of the above-described scenarios are part of my story. Which complicated story is yours? *wink*

1 December 2009

Pain as a Gift

Having had happier, way better days the past months, I've been thinking about nothing less than happy thoughts. Been writing 'bout them, too. I miss writing and that's probably why I've written several notes given several thesis-free weeks. Making the most of the time is more like it. And if I were to be given more time before thesis starts, I'd gladly write some more. But since this is officially my last thesis-free weekend, I've been wanting to write one last note before the schedules get all tight and hectic. So there... I've been thinking of what to write about before I take a leave from my stress reliever. There's something I would've wanted to really write about but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it in detail to all of you so I'm gunna have to crush that one out until further notice. Now that leaves me hanging still... What to write about? Been literally staring at the ceiling waiting for thoughts to arrive. Having had lots of free time after class and still no thesis to write, I also have lots of time to be idle, bum around, and literally do nothing but think about more stuff than I would want to think of. Then out of the blue, another light bulb moment of mine occurred as I saw my favorite book, Where is God When it Hurts?. I suddenly know what to write about... something I haven't written about lately... PAIN.

A month before my break-up from the last serious relationship that I had, I coincidentally bought the book as a Christmas present for myself as if I already know I’d be needing it. I haven't read it until after the break-up because I was looking for answers, explanations, rationalizations, and whatever enlightenment I can find. Having read the entire book, I found more than what I was searching for. I had more answers than I needed and it gave me more enlightenment than I would’ve wanted. It opened not only my eyes to a lot more things but my heart as well. I cannot tell you every detail of what I read cuz I can’t present it like Philip Yancey can but if there’s one thing I learned by heart, it’s this: pain is a gift. Yes, you read that right. IT IS A GIFT.


However useless we find pain to be, we can’t turn it off no matter how desperately we want to. It’s not a curse like what we all think.

God wouldn’t have given all of us pain if it is. Instead, He wants us to know that it is a warning system we should all make use of. Just as it hurts our fingers to touch boiling water, it will also hurt if we do something we’re not supposed to. So when it starts to hurt, we should start using that warning system that asks us to look deeply into the things that we are doing that causes our hurts and pains… things we shouldn’t be doing, things we should stop doing. It’s hard to explain it in layman’s term but I guess you all get the drift. On the other hand, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the moment we feel pain, we are the ones who caused it. Sometimes it is caused by external factors like others' insensitivity, neglect, or just plain disregard for others’ well being.

Think of the lepers and how important pain is to them. Lepers are unable to feel even a slightest sense of pain, causing them to injure themselves without them knowing. They can cut their fingers off and not even be aware of it because, again, their nerve cells don’t send off warning to their brains. Just as there is no surgery, no procedure, no implant that can remove pain from a person’s system, nothing can embed it into a system either. Pain is but a natural way of telling our body that something isn’t going right. Thus, we get warned of what it might cause us and will serve as a defense mechanism.

Because of this book, I was able to see pain in a whole new and different viewpoint. I no longer think of it as a blight that should be avoided. Instead, it’s something we all should embrace because it’s God’s way of warning us that an intervention needs to be done, whatever it is, whether physical or emotional.

We all get hurt at some point in our lives and as much as we can, we will surely dispel it because for us, pain spells s-u-f-f-e-r-i-n-g. But think of the lepers once again and remember that their suffering is not caused by pain but by the sheer lack of it. Surely it’s an entirely different story but it only tells us one thing: pain does not signify misery. It, on the contrary, tells us to step out of it.

Since pain is all natural, there is no way we can ever stop it from happening. It will occur when it should even when we’re not ready for it. But instead of treating it as an affliction, we should consider it as a blessing that allows us to evaluate what is happening and avoid what should be avoided. Consider it as an eye-opener, an alarm, a signal… It's high time we see pain as a blessing and not a curse. =)

14 November 2009

When to Never Say Never

A good friend has been asking me to try something I know I just can’t. (Clear your minds, people… It ain’t drugs. HEHE). It’s something that would only stay between us until who knows when. I’ve been declining to give in for the longest time though we both know there’s something that MIGHT lead to greater things... things we dare not talk about. Because of this, that same friend asked me to listen to The Fray’s Never Say Never.

Indeed, there are things we don’t talk about but that doesn’t mean we don’t know they’re there. We know they are. It’s just that it’ll only make what we are complicated, which we’d rather not happen. Or shall I say, I’d rather not happen. So I’d rather not talk about it. FOR NOW.

We’ve been friends for the longest time and things are cool as they are. So to take that one step I’ve been trying to avoid is one thing I’m still not ready for. It doesn’t mean I don’t wanna try. Or that I don’t want it at all. I just know it’s not right at the moment, thus, the song Never Say Never.

For a time, I tried to shut out what it was trying to tell me. Not that I’m open to it now. But at least I know that in due time, when things are right, I will be. Because of that, I asked myself the question “when should I never say never?” . And after a few days I came up with the following:

1. When you know you’d go for it GIVEN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES,
2. When you want it badly but are just holding back because of the fear of what others might say,
3. When you know you’d go for it the moment you know it’s right,
4. When you are just waiting for the right timing,
5. When you know it’s one thing that will make you extremely happy,
6. When you’re willing to meet someone halfway,
7. When you know you’re willing to do what it takes to get what will make you happiest,
8. When you still can take more pain in hope of better days,
9. When you’ve been waiting and still can wait some more, and/or
10. When you’re going for the right things, for the right reasons.

Whichever I can relate to from any of the above, I dare not say. I don’t wanna open doors to confusion which will eventually be a symptom of what we call complication... something I find synonymous to heartbreak.

Whatever that good friend has been asking me, I never answered with a NEVER. Not even with a YES or a NO. It was more like a NOT NOW. Because more than just wanting to nurture something that has been in existence for quite a time already, I’d rather be a great friend and do what’s right than go and take the risk and ruin everything else.

Wherever this leads to, I have no control of. As of now, I choose to be a real friend and do what will be for everybody’s good.

It’s not easy. Trust me… It gets awkward at times. But I don’t let it get to me because I know in time, that friend will thank me for standing firm on my decision. In time, that good friend will understand. ;)

11 November 2009