Comfort Zone

It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I last thought of you. It’s been a while since I last let the thought of you get to me. It’s been a while since I last allowed you to affect me this much. It’s been a while since you last held my hand, looked deep into my eyes and reached my soul, put your arms around my waist like it’s the first time, and touched my hair time and again, breathing deep into it.

It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I tried to forget how it all feels. It’s been a while and I thought I’ll never feel this way again. But, yes. I had to see you again after a long while to realize that I need a while to figure out that even after a while, it still feels the same. And a while has to pass for me to know that you feel the same.

It took me 1,818 days to comprehend that even after half a decade, the place you left is still yours. And it took me 2,001 days to understand that even when a lot of people have come in between during the 2,001 days, what we have been to each other will always remain as it is, no questions asked.

We’ve always been each other’s comfort zone and it always feels like home everytime. Your hand in mine, our eyes fixed on each other as we talk about what has been, what is, and how what we are now is a result of what we have been.

It’s always a favorite topic, how we started. How we ended has never been talked about because we both know deep down that there was no ending. Even when we have been with several other people in the 2,001 days, we both know that at the end of the day, we’ll still find comfort in each other.

I’ll never find comfort in another guy as much as I find comfort in you. The whirlwind situation we’ve been through proves the strength of our friendship even as time goes by. I may not say this often but, yes, you’re the most comfortable person I know. We’ve been with each other through the worst but we still see the persons in us beyond all that.

Had I been a guy, I’m sure I’d be you. And if you’d be a girl, you’d surely be me.

Your mind works just like mine and I don’t mind. I know how you think so I don’t have to keep on guessing. I know how to make you mad and how to pacify you after. And you know that all you have to do is hold my hand to make me forget I was mad at you for breaking my heart. We still know how to tease and appease even after all the time that we spent apart. It doesn’t matter that we’re not together anymore. All that matters is that we know that what we were to each other 2,001 days ago will still be same 2,001 days from now.

It always feels like home just having you right beside me. And even when we might not get back together for the rest of our lives, I don’t mind, I’ll still feel the same. We might not love each other as intensely as our puppy love had been but we both know that our infatuation has naturally grown into a beautiful friendship that lasts a lifetime.

And this I sincerely say to you: I hope for our kids to be as good friends as we are. So even if we don’t end up with each other, we’ll still find the comfort of knowing that what we have been has brought us into each other’s future without an ending. =)

Turbulence

I wasn't warned.

No, I wasn't. Not at all.

You just came and shook my world.

And, God, you are good at it!

I was keeping my silence, enjoying my life when you came and caught me unguarded.

With all my defenses down, you took away everything I tried so hard to guard.

And all you had to do is look at me!!!

THAT WAS IT.

You looked at me and there goes my peace and quiet.

And where's my metal armor?

It went down the drain.

Just like that.

And all you had to do is take a good look at me.

And that was it.

THAT'S JUST... IT.

Fix what you still can fix, leave broken what can't be, pick up the pieces that you'd need to make you whole, don't pick up more than what fits both hands and move on from there.

I won't let my ♥ mess up my head. Not again. Not this time. :)

I will stop chasing pavements that lead to nowhere but ♥aches. :D

Life isn't just a piece of cake. It's the whole of it.

Marriage is not everybody's future default. There are those who are happily single just as there are those who are miserably married.

Learn to appreciate what you have while you still have it. You will surely miss it once you lose it.

I won't think about you when I'm older.

You're there, I'm here. Let's keep it that way til we know better than fall wrongly over again.

We both knew something was wrong the moment we walked through the door. We just didn't know what it was.

Dazed

If I remember it correctly, you broke my heart 1,818 days ago. It wasn’t at all the worst break-up I’ve ever had. I’ve had more awful ones. But I must admit it was the saddest, giving me the most hang-ups. Most hang-ups because it was letting go of the most comfortable comfort zone. Most hang-ups because it was letting go of my soul mate. Most hang-ups because there was so much more to do, say, and feel and time took it all away. Without any signs, without any warnings. Or was I just so into you that I didn’t even notice? Maybe it’s the latter.

Yes, you are my soul mate. We may not be the happy-ever-after type of soul mates but you are my mirror image.We came into each other’s lives in a fast, weird, and unexpected way that drew us together. We can finish each other’s sentences and know what the other is thinking without even asking. We are not exactly the same but we complement each other’s almost the same personalities. It’s feeling like you’re the most beautiful person on earth even with your hair down. And yes, time took it all away.

It took me three long years to finally be able to muster all the courage I have to face you and step on the same land you step on. I was at a standstill the moment I first saw you after three years. We didn’t talk. We were just there catching glimpses of each other’s faces but there still was the feeling of comfort just having you near. I saw it in your eyes and how it smiled at mine. I felt it and maybe you did so, too. Because two years later we’re both here, on the same ground, having the fight we should have gotten over with five years ago.

Five years. It took us that long to talk about the US that used to be. It took us that long. Five long years. It’s comfortably weird in a good way. It’s weird how we still feel the same comfort and realize how we never really have gotten over each other even after five years.

That same stare, that same hand that used to hold mine, that same old feeling. I want so much to just stay in that moment. With you. With US. But can we? Should we?

I’ll be a hypocrite if I’ll say I didn’t ask for this because I did. Maybe I still do. And now my mind’s all messed up, wanting you and not wanting you at the same time. This just might be a reverie that I don’t want to wake up from. All the things you said brought me to a trance. But I know better now than to stay in a daze over something that I can see fleeting, short-lived. Still, I wouldn’t want to miss this chance because I waited for 1,818 days for this. I waited that long to feel the old feeling we used to share. So let’s just say I’ll be dazed while you’re still here. I’m looking at another heartbreak but can you please do me a favor and wake up when September ends?

One Encounter

I could’ve died in an instant. I could’ve stopped breathing. And I can swear that from where I was standing, I felt the time stop for a few seconds. I could’ve just frozen in that moment, in that gaze, in that place. I would’ve died and asked the earth to swallow me whole and never spit me out ever again. I would’ve if I only could. But I’m getting sick and tired of all the should’ve, would’ve, and could’ve beens. My nights have been full of it and I’d gladly get rid of it had it been that easy to do so. It comes back the moment you thought you’re better off and pulls you down again. That’s why a part of me wanted to deal with it face front and asked for an encounter to give me peace of mind.

So they always say be careful what you wish for. I never listened. Now I realized I should have. Had I not let it pass the other ear, I wouldn’t have been writing this now. Had I not allowed my just-let-be-be-i-know-exactly-what-I’m-doing self to act and react on impulse, I wouldn’t have been blabbering about it now.

I asked for one encounter, one good exchange.

I got it after months of faithfully praying for it. Yes, I did pray for it on a daily basis. And it kills me e-ve-ry-time because it was like praying for a miracle. It was a tedious task of asking for something that might not happen in the near future.

Maybe God wanted me to develop my patience. Or maybe He simply deemed it’s for my own good to let me wait that long before He grants my prayer. Whatever the case, God’s ways are always better than ours, than mine. And the encounter I had may be the best answer to my persistent and insistent prayers.

Did He finally grow tired of my asking? I think not. Maybe He gave me my answer because He thinks my heart was already prepared to face the truth. Was it the answer I was expecting? No. It actually took my heart in a whirlwind again. But it’s actually better than not having an answer at all. It’s been months and it was the first time I came close to something or anything that is involved with my long time prayer. So even when my heart wants to pray for it some more, I decided not to anymore.

Because I figured it might really not be meant for me after all. I’m even convinced to not anymore seek for an explanation because I might believe over again. Maybe he doesn’t even have a good one. So I’m letting things go and I’m letting things be.

Tonight, I decide not to ask for more. That encounter may not be the one I played on my mind over and over again but it’s for the best. God wouldn’t have brought us in that place in that very same moment without a cause. He made our paths cross and eyes meet for the last time for a good reason.

I’m holding on to that.

The encounter I prayed for was given to me the least moment I expected but it was given to me. That’s more than enough.

That one encounter may have broken my heart again but it was also the reason I should keep wanting to pick up the broken pieces. I dare not cry a single tear. I’d rather keep moving forward.

Tonight, I’m slashing out one item from my itinerary. The encounter I asked for has been granted so I’m taking that part out of the list. Therefore, this is goodbye to longing and hello to peace of mind. *HOPEFULLY*

I'm giving my heart a break from all of these so I'm giving sad compositions a break...

1 June '10

My hopes are up and I can see all the memories of you gradually going down the drain...

I won't let my ♥ screw up my future. Not again. Not this time.

There will always be that one time

when you think you're perfectly alright

and you suddenly see that one thing

that reminds you of that one person

and you're taken back to that moment in time

where you feel that old feeling

that brings you back

to the first square of the never ending process.

There is no such thing as getting yourself ready to be hurt.

Cuz when it hurts,

it hurts big time no matter how much you have anticipated this thing called DOWNFALL.

The world is too fragile for people to be untrue.
There's so much at stake and life's too short for lies
and you're the worst kind of person
because
you wasted my heart and time.

Missed

Your hand in mine instead of on the steering wheel

Your eyes in mine instead of on the road

Your arms warmly wrapped around me asking if we can stay in that moment FOREVER

Your lips in mine, not wanting the moment to end

Your texts at any time of the day just about whatever

You picking me up at wherever just because you want to

And me wanting it all back if it's only possible.

If you happen to read this, please know that you are missed.
And if you do happen to read this and feel that this matters still, let me know.
How you made me feel will always be the most wonderful feeling that's why you'll always be missed.

A multitude of faces cannot hide the realness of the ♥. At the end of the day, lonely people will end up lonely no matter how they hide their ♥s behind happy faces, overflowing booze, and deafening music.

Birthday Prayer :)

Thank You Lord for another year, for all the people who have come and gone, the people who stayed and the people who came back.

Thank You for the endless blessings despite my sinfulness, for the never ending opportunities despite all that I have let pass me by, for making my ♥ a stronger one despite my constant repetition of things that will tear it apart, and for taking away what does not truly belong to me (this goes out to people, too!).

Thank You for building me up despite all those who would love to see me down, for giving me what's best even when I don't deserve it, and for making me realize things I wouldn't have realized had I been with the same people in the same situation.

Thank You for the gift of life and love, of family and friends, of faith and fate.

Thank You for the gift of patience that I still am in the process of learning and learning to love.

Thank You for the gift of worth and how it's making an impact in my life and the gift of courage to walk away.

Thank You for making me one blessed daughter of Yours and for continually guiding my path even at times I tend to lose my way.

Here's to the year that passed and to the year ahead. Thanks BRO!

Like a caterpillar soon to be wrapped in an ugly cocoon, life turns the bad into good, the ugly into something beautiful. And just as the cocoon turns into a stunning butterfly, every dark experience shall turn into the most inexplicably beautiful occurrence. We just have to WAIT...♥ -Shengoy

For the Mean Time...

By: Anonymous


She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One." You know, the one you keep in the MEANTIME.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in the light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by.She's too understanding, too comfortable. Doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, nice and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.

You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretense to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you. And you know that you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship of that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won`t bother her that you`ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She`ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She`s just so cool.. why can`t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don`t.. because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought) you know that it`s really not fair.

You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she`s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could really play hard-to-get. Bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she`s too short, or a little overweight, or has big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You`ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she`ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile.

Mainly, she blends in with the crowd. She`s safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone`s head. She wants to be SPECIAL to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger heart than any woman you've ever known because she`s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Thanks, Moree, for sharing this with me!

*I'm the SPACE he needed and I was too willing even if it hurts...*

Flatline

Flatline- (verb) Die; with reference to the condition when the heart stops beating and the person dies.

Flatline. Heart no longer beating. This is generally when a person dies, feels no more, and moves on to a better place. All the pains, the worries, the dramas are left behind in this worldly world.

Minority would be thankful for the passing of a loved one as it allows the latter to pass on to a place where pain does not anymore exist while majority would cry over the loss.

I would go for the former.

Generally, when a person is in great pain, he would rather stop breathing than be tortured every single second of his life. Sometimes, a dying person stops fighting for life and would just want to “go home” instead. Sometimes, one would just want to leave the hurtful world he lives in just to escape the pain.

Flatline. No more signs of any lub-dub in the heart. Signs of life slipping away swiftly.

This might be a post-Valentine realization brought about by my post-Valentine coffee date with Sai or just one of the dramas of yet another sleepless night. But, yes, just like Sai, I no longer see signs of life (or hope) to the sitch we are in, thus, the label FLATLINE.

Flatline because just like what reflects in the monitor when a person dies, our lines would’ve been flat by now had we been connected to some device. Flat not because we are literally dead but because not a zigzag line can be seen as a glimmer of hope of reviving what could’ve been beautiful.

As I have said, given the chance, if it’s only possible, I would go for being happy over a lost love because I’d rather see it as allowing the person to be in a better place. Not because I still am in the realm of martyrdom but because I believe that if I have given all I can but the person still chose to leave, then I no longer have any business with him. I suppose the same goes with Sai. It’ll hurt for a while, yes. It might even suck. But in the long run, we both realized that the beauty is in the attempt.

Still, though my wounds are fresher than that of Sai, it doesn’t mean she hurts any less. And though we can both smile about it now, it doesn’t mean even the slightest zigzag lines can now be seen. None is in sight.

Had we been dying persons, a “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” sign would’ve been placed by now. This is because we, too, would want to move on to a better place.

I cannot speak for Sai but at there are times I chose to wallow in pain because that’s the only thing I have left of the loss. The wiser part of me knows better though. I’d rather stop breathing to make my heartbeat eventually stop.

I’m in pain but I’d rather keep my silence.

And this is where the *sigh* part comes in. I’D RATHER BE IN A FLATLINE.

When you're in great pain, who wouldn't be?

Almost

Almost but not quite...


***The long overdue coffee date with Sai earlier today was a blast. And if we only recorded our almost five hour conversation, it would've been something I'm pretty sure a lot of girls can relate to. Not only was it a very open exchange, it was also an exchange of one broken heart to another. Sai's stories somehow reflected mine and vice versa. (Had I known, Sai, we should've had that conversation long ago. By that time, I wasn't in my temporary insanity mode yet. Hehe) Anyway, during the course of the conversation, there was a mention of the song Almost by Tamia, hence, this post.***


Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's too late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say is I shoulda grabbed you up and never let you go
I shoulda went out with you
I shoulda made you my boo boy
Yeah that's one time I shoulda broke the rules
I shoulda went on a date
Shoulda found a way to escape
Shoulda turned a almost into
If it happend now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel


I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You're all that I ever wanted
And you're my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpmvcAE5PlE

LOVE... What's it to You?

Here's a text message I received from a friend earlier today. I'd like to share it with all of you with the hope that through this, you'll get to figure out what the phrase means to you the same way I figured out mine.

I LOVE YOU...

A warning.
An apology.
An interruption.
A plea for attention.
An objection.
A justification.
A reminder.
A trap.
A blessing.
A disguise.
A vacuum.
A revelation.
A way of saying nothing.
A way of summarizing everything.
A surrender.
An opening.
An end.


*** For the meantime, it's a surrender and an end for me. What's it to you?

A Heart That's About to Break

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It resembles a frozen lake whose thin ice is very gradually cracking until the whole thin sheet breaks into a zillion pieces and all that's left is a big, cold hole in the middle. Big, cold hole... Big enough to think it'll never be whole again, cold enough to make one reach his numbest state.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like a water balloon that's about to explode. The more water you put into it, the heavier the balloon gets. The heavier it gets, the fuller it becomes. And when it explodes, the balloon bursts into a hundred pieces never to be whole again.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like dropping a piece of glass from the 99th floor. When it reaches the ground, you'll never find all of the pieces ever again.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's like a hundred storey building crumble into pieces. It scares you to look at it but you can't do anything to stop it from doing so.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It feels like committing suicide but ending up alive. barely breathing but still alive. And because you ended up alive, the pain is tripled by the shame it brings.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. It's what you see when you want something within your reach but you really can't. It's what you feel when you have something in your hands that you want oh so badly but you know it will fade away any second from that moment.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And it feels like breaking any minute from now. Or is it already breaking? Can it still be saved?

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And I'm looking at the one responsible for it.

I'm looking at a heart that's about to break. And I'm looking at mine. :(

The Singles Club

The Singles Club
By: Chello Mae T. Dico


This started with two broken hearts, Moree's and mine. Haha! Well that was basically how we met and became good, good friends. She was trying to get over a failed relationship, I was on the verge of mine coming to an end. And from one broken heart to another, a beautiful friendship emerged. Little did we know that a few more friendships will branch out from there but, nevertheless, it was all a blessing in disguise.

An understatement of the world being small is, for us, well... an understatement! Thamer and I being good friends in college, Thamer and Moree being highschool friends, Moree and Nina being friends since nursery, Thamer and Nina living in the same neighborhood since childhood, Adie and Thamer being the best of friends. That's how small the world is for us being interconnected with each other in many ways.

The Simala Trip was just supposed to help us clean our slates before the year ends but it did to us more than just that. It established friendships, both old and new. On the way back to the city from Simala, we have been talking lots about our laag next in line. It was supposed to be a trip to a shrine in Carmen which had to be postponed at a later date because of some constraints so the Kartzone adventure happened. Kartzone escapade was fun and exciting and fun, fun, fun! We met new faces, that being Ymor, Ryan, and Dane who are Nina's friends. And since we're all single and experienced an awful heartache in 2009, there came the idea of The Singles Club for Moree, Nina, Thamer, Adie, and of course, yours truly. :)

We all had our hearts broken in 2009 and had to go through distinct hurtful experiences. I don't know whose is worse and who hurt the most but it was, for each of us, something we wouldn't wanna go through again, as much as possible. But as some line from Sex and the City goes, "if there's an upside to free falling, it's giving your friends a chance to catch you". And that we surely did: give our friends a chance to catch us. And are we glad!

We all agreed to leave 2009 with an open mind so we can embrace 2010 with an open heart. Open to new opportunities, new possibilities, new faces, new experiences in new places, and most of all, open to what fate may bring us. And as we write more itineraries on our list, we also would like to check more as we materialize each one. So far we have done two. We hope to be able to check more. Hehe. Seriously, though, this isn't just about the heartaches we had to leave behind. More than just that, this is about having people who may not necessarily understand us everytime but will be there despite what our hearts are going through. God must've known that we needed a support group of some sort because He brought us all together and created beautiful, beautiful memories in a short span of time. This leads us to hoping we will have more. =)

As the five of us start 2010 being single, we face it with the hope that 2010 brings us more smiles and less heartaches. This isn't to say that we plan to be single for the rest of the year just to avoid the pain of heartbreaks. This is to say that even when we decide to be in a relationship within the year, we will be singles for each other when the need arises.

So this goes out to the five of us: Moree, Nina, Thamer, Adie, and, yours truly. :)
This is for more adventures, more stress releases, more memories, more itineraries on the checklist.
This is for life, for love, for friendships, and more smiles.
This is saying goodbye to the stress of 2009 and the new start 2010 offers.
This is for more "I trust you" moments even when a U-turn is made. Hehe.
And lastly, this is for everything that has been and for all that will be.

Blessed 2010, TSC!