STATUS: It's UN-Complicated

Those who know me know quite well that I am a magnet of complicated relationships. A good friend once told me it is because my personality is too comfortable, too open that I frequently become a comfort zone to those who have grown uncomfortable with their own relationships. Am I that much of a shock absorber? A catch pad? Or am I just, well, too available? It’s funny how I put an ultra thick barrier between me and the people I don’t like yet it’s easy for the people who affect me to pull those barriers down anytime, without any warning.

I live by my own rules but I’m bound to break them anytime.

I scare myself sometimes because I know how extreme I get, although I manage to tame the wild side now. Still, I can be extreme at some point no matter how tamed the wild side is --- going for things regardless of the situation just because I like it.

A recent conversation with an ex I haven’t spoken with for almost five years made me realize how blatant I was, even at 18. I say what I want not considering who I say it to, notwithstanding the brutality of what I say just to get it off my chest. I always feel better afterwards.

That same ex just didn’t know how hard it was for me to stand up to him and have things my own way with him because he, too, was just as tough as I was, standing firm on what he wants without any regard to what the world thinks. He’s mad when he’s mad, sweetest when he feels like it, and is not afraid to show it. And just like me, he’s brutally honest when the need arises. Until now, we talk about things we no longer need to talk about and enjoy bantering each other with unnecessary debates just because I’m the only person he can talk that way to and vice versa. No matter how heated the arguments become, to a point where we oftentimes get too personal, we still manage to just laugh about it after. Being brutally honest as he is, he told me how difficult it was for him to deal with me because I’m tougher than I ought to be, building fences just because I want to. In his words, I “build strong walls for people I don’t like but is the sweetest to those strong enough to break it”. True enough, he’s the one who knows me inside more than he knows me outside. That’s one reason I don’t want him to look into my eyes because he knows better than just believe the smile I put on. Even my sweetest smiles don’t appeal to him when he’s mad.

Apparently, he was tough on me because I was tough on him.

Scenarios like these don’t normally interest average guys because for one, I don’t go for just the average, being the extreme person that I am. Two, I generally need someone interesting enough to blow my mind and strong enough to soften the tougher side of me. Three, what used to fascinate me are the radical, immoderate type of relationships. Four, it takes a lot for a guy to make me lose my defenses. And lastly, the guy must be crazy enough to put up with me. For these reasons, I draw complicated guys with complicated lives and eventually add up to my own complications.

For the longest time, my relationships have been that way. Complicated is but normal to me. I go for complicated situations, try to make it normal until the complications come back to me later on. But, yeah, I’m used to it. I’m nuts enough to withstand it, dangerous enough to enjoy it. That’s how I have been for the longest time, until this morning.

A madcap early morning conversation with my sound board, Sai, gave me yet another light bulb moment. I suddenly became aware of what I should’ve known and realized back then.

It’s like a crazy pop-up coming out of the monitor, like a ball thrown at you when you have your 3D glasses on. It was right there, spelling out every word for me. It’s time for me to UN-complicate things. Yeah, you read that out right. It’s time for me to un-complicate things.

It sounds easy but for someone as sweeping as I am, it’s like asking a smoker to quit smoking. But, yeah, I’m giving it a try. It’s time for me to choose the simple yet stable over the scarily exciting but fleeting. It may sound boring but it’s worth a try. It’s something I never tried before but it may work.

It’s time. I’m un-complicating my relationship status. =)

1 September 2010

I Aged Up!

“It’s something that happens as we age up: we realize that it is nonsense to flirt with anybody. What’s important is to have someone FOR REAL.”

I’ve been receiving this text message from several different people for quite a time already and it’s only until lately that I get to feel its essence. It was a catching-up-on-each-other’s-lives-conversation with a good friend, which made me realize that, indeed, as we grow, we look forward to more stable things and get tired of JUST the thrill.

We were lining up for a cab after a day out when it both hit us: it’s better to be in a stable relationship no matter how boring it might seem at first than go for the thrilling but fleeting. Well… who doesn’t want the thrill? The thrill of the chase and being chased, of breaking up and making up all over again, of goodbyes that never ends, of wanting to end it and not wanting to end it at the same time… You name it! Haven’t we all been there?

We know how audacious and foolish we are when we are young. We go for things even though we know it will break our hearts. We choose to be oblivious of the consequences for as long as we are happy NOW regardless if we will hurt others or ourselves in the long run. We think we are invincible, we think we have all the time in the world to waste over things that we barely even need and the things that we don’t even need at all. We think we always have tomorrow to make up so we overuse and abuse the virtue of forgiveness and second chances. We think that the world revolves around us when in fact, it doesn’t. We cry over the wrong things and wrong people and neglect the ones who have been there all along, just waiting to be recognized.

Then one day we wake up feeling tired of the chase and the love of the thrill that goes away without any warning. We then ask ourselves what is there left to give to have that something with someone who stays for good. Then we realize we just have to stay still and stop being restless. We just have to start being realistic and forget the ideals that just break our hearts. We just have to change our mindset and start appreciating the greater things in life.

That’s what I did.

Being the daring person that I was, those who know me well enough can attest how complicated my mind can be because I used to hate it when my life is simple. The law of attraction has a very big impact on me that even when I just sit still, complications find their way to me. I’m a "complication magnet", as another friend puts it. But even the bold and courageous gets tired. So I took a pause, a very long one at that. That’s when I realized that it’s time I settle for something REAL and forget the fleeting. I’m not getting any younger and I don’t have a lot of time to waste.

So to the next person in my life, here’s what I have to say: My ♥ is complicated. And I don't need someone bold enough to tame it and change its ways. I just need someone sensitive enough to know that my ♥ only needs two things: to be understood and accepted. =)

26 November 2010

Comfort Zone

It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I last thought of you. It’s been a while since I last let the thought of you get to me. It’s been a while since I last allowed you to affect me this much. It’s been a while since you last held my hand, looked deep into my eyes and reached my soul, put your arms around my waist like it’s the first time, and touched my hair time and again, breathing deep into it.

It’s been a while. It’s been a while since I tried to forget how it all feels. It’s been a while and I thought I’ll never feel this way again. But, yes. I had to see you again after a long while to realize that I need a while to figure out that even after a while, it still feels the same. And a while has to pass for me to know that you feel the same.

It took me 1,818 days to comprehend that even after half a decade, the place you left is still yours. And it took me 2,001 days to understand that even when a lot of people have come in between during the 2,001 days, what we have been to each other will always remain as it is, no questions asked.

We’ve always been each other’s comfort zone and it always feels like home everytime. Your hand in mine, our eyes fixed on each other as we talk about what has been, what is, and how what we are now is a result of what we have been.

It’s always a favorite topic, how we started. How we ended has never been talked about because we both know deep down that there was no ending. Even when we have been with several other people in the 2,001 days, we both know that at the end of the day, we’ll still find comfort in each other.

I’ll never find comfort in another guy as much as I find comfort in you. The whirlwind situation we’ve been through proves the strength of our friendship even as time goes by. I may not say this often but, yes, you’re the most comfortable person I know. We’ve been with each other through the worst but we still see the persons in us beyond all that.

Had I been a guy, I’m sure I’d be you. And if you’d be a girl, you’d surely be me.

Your mind works just like mine and I don’t mind. I know how you think so I don’t have to keep on guessing. I know how to make you mad and how to pacify you after. And you know that all you have to do is hold my hand to make me forget I was mad at you for breaking my heart. We still know how to tease and appease even after all the time that we spent apart. It doesn’t matter that we’re not together anymore. All that matters is that we know that what we were to each other 2,001 days ago will still be same 2,001 days from now.

It always feels like home just having you right beside me. And even when we might not get back together for the rest of our lives, I don’t mind, I’ll still feel the same. We might not love each other as intensely as our puppy love had been but we both know that our infatuation has naturally grown into a beautiful friendship that lasts a lifetime.

And this I sincerely say to you: I hope for our kids to be as good friends as we are. So even if we don’t end up with each other, we’ll still find the comfort of knowing that what we have been has brought us into each other’s future without an ending. =)

Turbulence

I wasn't warned.

No, I wasn't. Not at all.

You just came and shook my world.

And, God, you are good at it!

I was keeping my silence, enjoying my life when you came and caught me unguarded.

With all my defenses down, you took away everything I tried so hard to guard.

And all you had to do is look at me!!!

THAT WAS IT.

You looked at me and there goes my peace and quiet.

And where's my metal armor?

It went down the drain.

Just like that.

And all you had to do is take a good look at me.

And that was it.

THAT'S JUST... IT.

Fix what you still can fix, leave broken what can't be, pick up the pieces that you'd need to make you whole, don't pick up more than what fits both hands and move on from there.