Those who know me know quite well that I am a magnet of complicated relationships. A good friend once told me it is because my personality is too comfortable, too open that I frequently become a comfort zone to those who have grown uncomfortable with their own relationships. Am I that much of a shock absorber? A catch pad? Or am I just, well, too available? It’s funny how I put an ultra thick barrier between me and the people I don’t like yet it’s easy for the people who affect me to pull those barriers down anytime, without any warning.
I live by my own rules but I’m bound to break them anytime.
I scare myself sometimes because I know how extreme I get, although I manage to tame the wild side now. Still, I can be extreme at some point no matter how tamed the wild side is --- going for things regardless of the situation just because I like it.
A recent conversation with an ex I haven’t spoken with for almost five years made me realize how blatant I was, even at 18. I say what I want not considering who I say it to, notwithstanding the brutality of what I say just to get it off my chest. I always feel better afterwards.
That same ex just didn’t know how hard it was for me to stand up to him and have things my own way with him because he, too, was just as tough as I was, standing firm on what he wants without any regard to what the world thinks. He’s mad when he’s mad, sweetest when he feels like it, and is not afraid to show it. And just like me, he’s brutally honest when the need arises. Until now, we talk about things we no longer need to talk about and enjoy bantering each other with unnecessary debates just because I’m the only person he can talk that way to and vice versa. No matter how heated the arguments become, to a point where we oftentimes get too personal, we still manage to just laugh about it after. Being brutally honest as he is, he told me how difficult it was for him to deal with me because I’m tougher than I ought to be, building fences just because I want to. In his words, I “build strong walls for people I don’t like but is the sweetest to those strong enough to break it”. True enough, he’s the one who knows me inside more than he knows me outside. That’s one reason I don’t want him to look into my eyes because he knows better than just believe the smile I put on. Even my sweetest smiles don’t appeal to him when he’s mad.
Apparently, he was tough on me because I was tough on him.
Scenarios like these don’t normally interest average guys because for one, I don’t go for just the average, being the extreme person that I am. Two, I generally need someone interesting enough to blow my mind and strong enough to soften the tougher side of me. Three, what used to fascinate me are the radical, immoderate type of relationships. Four, it takes a lot for a guy to make me lose my defenses. And lastly, the guy must be crazy enough to put up with me. For these reasons, I draw complicated guys with complicated lives and eventually add up to my own complications.
For the longest time, my relationships have been that way. Complicated is but normal to me. I go for complicated situations, try to make it normal until the complications come back to me later on. But, yeah, I’m used to it. I’m nuts enough to withstand it, dangerous enough to enjoy it. That’s how I have been for the longest time, until this morning.
A madcap early morning conversation with my sound board, Sai, gave me yet another light bulb moment. I suddenly became aware of what I should’ve known and realized back then.
It’s like a crazy pop-up coming out of the monitor, like a ball thrown at you when you have your 3D glasses on. It was right there, spelling out every word for me. It’s time for me to UN-complicate things. Yeah, you read that out right. It’s time for me to un-complicate things.
It sounds easy but for someone as sweeping as I am, it’s like asking a smoker to quit smoking. But, yeah, I’m giving it a try. It’s time for me to choose the simple yet stable over the scarily exciting but fleeting. It may sound boring but it’s worth a try. It’s something I never tried before but it may work.
It’s time. I’m un-complicating my relationship status. =)
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