The End... At Last.

I had to bare my soul yet again. Maybe because there were things I didn’t tell you the last time. Or because I held back so you won’t know. Or because I was afraid you don’t feel the same. Or that you’d notice and things might just fall apart… again.

I’m at a loss. Not knowing what to do, what to say, what to keep, what to let go. But you know me. I’d rather be hurt with what’s true than be happy with what’s not. So here I am, ripping my heart open even if it kills me. And yes, it does. It kills me because even after more than half a decade, it still hurts like hell.

More than half a decade and there have been several people in between. You continued living your life as I tried living mine. But what difference does it make, moving on, when each and every single time we meet feels just like the old times? Me wanting to just freeze in time, you holding me like it’s always the first time.

But is this just a game? I have to ask. I have to know. Because if this is, then I’ll play it with you because I refuse to be played. If this is just a game then let’s play it together, you and I, until we know who wins. Maybe by then there’ll be an end to this cycle. Maybe if I lost, I can then move on for real. And if I win, we’ll have each other for keeps and start from there.

You know I’ve always been honest with you, with how I feel. So this time, I’ll tell you the truth like the old times. That night means so much more to me than you would ever imagine. You know how I tried to avoid you the first time we met again after 5 long years. But six months after, fate took its own course and I lost control over the situation. I could’ve stayed with you and spent more time. But it was all I can take. I had to stop before we both went overboard. Lying there with you, catching up on the times we lost, I could’ve just told you what I’m telling you now. I could’ve just asked you to never let me go ever again. I could’ve just stayed there and forget the rest of the world. I could have… I would have…

But I didn't...

So here I am, baring my soul again, telling you the truth even if it hurts. This isn’t the first time but it’ll be the last.

3 January 2011