Afterthought, Aftermath

Coming out of a very unsuccessful relationship, I figured it was more than a failure. It was a mistake. And I should've been strong enough to acknowledge that from the start. I was selfish and only thought of how I felt, ignoring the fact that I was in no position to fight for anything. I kindah felt it was only about how I'm feeling and how I want things to be and so I fought as hard to get there. I thought I was happy but I figured later on that I was only trying to convince myself so I can show the world that I am.Truth is, I was struggling every minute of it because I wanted so much to prove to everyone and to myself that I made the right decision. I know deep inside that I didn't. I kept it all to myself because I was so damn afraid to admit it to anybody. Myself included. I kindah hoped that if I didn't say it out loud, I can just make it all go away and things will fall into place without anybody noticing I made a mistake. But it dawned in on me that just because you don't mention something out loud, doesn't mean it doesn't exist because the more you try to deny it of its existence, the more it haunts you till you set things right. I was foolish enough to think that it was love just because it was something I never felt before. It was like going back to the highschool melodrama of relationships. The going-against-all-odds-thrill it brings you. Oh wel, I used to have this fancy for the "I don't care what the world friggin' thinks. I love you and it's all that matters" type of relationships. Talk about being a sucker for "love"! But then I realized, if you start your relationship wrongly, chances are, you might end up wrongly, too. Why choose to start it that way when you can always start right? Some people are just too impatient to wait for certain timing and I was one of those. I admit. But after having gone through one helluva relationship (if you can call it that), I came to a clear resolution that I will no longer vie for the "oh yes he's fighting for me" drama because if things are really bound to work out, you won't have to go against the odds just to get to where you wanna be. It's always a better, greater feeling when you start things at the right time, for the right reasons, and with the right person. It's always a nicer feeling when you won't have to fight against time, against circumstances, and against anyone just so you can be with that one person. And it will always be a lighter feeling when you get to where you are without hurting anybody else in the process. Of course the road will not be very smooth all throughout but you'll be happier when you know you've gone far ahead at you own expense and not that of others'. Given a chance to go a few steps back, I surely will change things for the better. But knowing that I can't, I might as well stay on the positive side and gather all the broken pieces, put it all together, and see the bigger picture. I must learn what the situation is trying to teach me. I've done all of that already. I admit I was broken for a while but I also am thankful it happened to me. It surely led me to a better place, a better person, giving me all the right reasons to keep on going. It surely prepared me for the person who seeks me through God. It surely prepared me for that better place. And it surely makes me believe that at this very moment, I'M ALREADY THERE. =)

28 May 2009