Nobody Knows

I got this from Ate CIndy's blogs.. (which she also got from a friend's). And yes, Ate Cin. It's really therapeutic. You get to say things you want to say but you can't really say face to face. So you write it down and nobody knows (but you) who you'd like to throw these words to.

"Write ten statements, intended for different people. Never tell which one is to who. Just write things you've always wanted to tell them."

1.) I'm now starting to value the things you say that I find annoying before..

2.) Thanks for all the reminders... they keep me grounded now that I'm out here on my own... Hope I could follow them by heart!!!

3.) Hope you would stop meddling with my life... You have your own life and future to fix anyway... and believe me, it needs fixing BADLY!!!!

4.) What you see is not always what you get... try to look harder and then you might see what you're looking for!!! I'm not as shallow as you think.

5.) Wasn't I good enough???

6.) I was young then... and stupid. Now I keep on wondering... what the hell made me do all those nonsense things during that time???!!! Glad you're happy now anyway..

7.) I hope you'd come down with something they can't EVER diagnose. Does that make me sound mean to you now?

8.) You should never do things that you consciously know will hurt someone... It might just get back to you three times... I hope it does!!!!!

9.) I'm a better person now... thanks to you!!!

10.) Wish you're here!!! Everything could have more better and doing things would be more fun... But I know someday it will be....

March 27, 2007

One's Destiny

“Be careful with your THOUGHTS; these will influence your ACTIONS.

Be careful with your ACTIONS; these will form your HABITS.

Be careful with your HABITS; these will influence your CHARACTER.

Be careful with your CHARACTER; these will mold your DESTINY.”

Indeed a very sensible quote. True enough, our destiny is caused by several things. I believe that a lot of immense things start from smaller things. And some are even done so unconsciously. And so, we have to be cautious with even the slightest things we think of, the smallest things we do, the words we often utter which eventually becomes our expression and so on. Because we may not realize it but it will sooner or later form a lot of things in our lives without us knowing it. Sometimes we wake up asking ourselves how certain things came to be right in front of our very eyes and still we were not able to recognize it. And this is the exact explanation of that. We are hasty, impulsive, and careless with so many things in our daily lives that we most of the time overlook how it is affecting and how it will further affect our lives in the long run. We get so caught up with a lot of life’s diversions that we seem to neglect a lot of deeper things we should’ve given more attention to. Sometimes all it takes is silence. Because in silence, we get to see, hear, and feel a lot of things that we disregard because we tend to be so occupied with many other things. And so, we have to take time in silence to think and just try to reflect on a lot of circumstances in our lives that we should’ve seen a long time ago but didn’t have the instance to do so.

March 02, 2007

How It Feels

So this is how it feels...
You love, you get hurt,
You try to love again thinking you'll never hurt no more
But you fall once more & it hurts like it never hurt before...

If love is that magical a feeling
Why does it have to hurt?
If true love is a once in a lifetime experience
Then how may times do you have to fall just to find forever?

Love is crazy,
It makes you do a lot of things you never expect you would.
Love is powerful,
It makes you do things you never thought you could...

I've been crazy enuf to let love's power take a hold of me
Yet i don't know if im crazy enuf to handle its craziness.
Still, i chose to love again
Thinking it's forever this time around
& still i fall a couple times more
& a always, always end up telling myself,
"... so this is how it feels..."

(Dated: 16 Nov '04)

Where It All Began

I still can feel your lips in mine
and how jittery it feels inside.
Your scent still lingers on my mind
not letting the pain subside.
All the memories of you haunts me to restlessness
till i can feel no more;
Numb as I can ever be
till all the pain rushes back to shore..

Is there any way i can be insensitive?
Why can i not get you out of my mind?
... my heart?
... my life?
Too many questions
All left unanswered.
And it's chasing away all of what's left of my sanity.

There's so much pain in me.
It breaks my heart,
Wounds my soul
And it's shattering my life into pieces.
I don't know if I'll ever be whole again..

Can somebody save me from falling apart?
How can i stop this craziness?
Now i know why they say sometimes ignorance is bliss.
I shouldn't have allowed myself to learn what love is all about;
I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall deeply in love with you.
And i guess this all started with that stupid kiss!!

Now that you're gone
I can't believe it's over.
How can it be over?
Have we even started?
Whatever the case, you're still gone
And i don't know if I'll ever be whole again.
Will I be?
I guess not.
How can I?
You've taken away what's left of me.
Will you come back?
I pray you will..
But still, REALITY STRIKES BACK.
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.
But in time, you'll just be a thing in the past.
Someday, my mind will be over my heart
Cuz i loved you then and i love you now
BUT IT WILL END WHERE IT ALL BEGAN.

(Dated: 2 January 2005)

Thoughts 101

Here are thoughts that came rushing through me during one of my sleepless nights. They may not be the best realizations in the world but they have indeed worked wonders for me. These are but implications of how things worked (and are still working) for me. Rome wasn't built in a day and so are these thoughts..

Insecurity is a disease -- some benign, others malignant. Either way, you have to get yourself cured nonetheless.

When the party's over, lonely people still end up lonely.

Others can't hurt you unless you allow them to.

Heartaches can't be cured by booze. You just simply have to get over it.

Not everyone has to like and be like you. You just have to deal with that.

Life is never easy but that doesn't mean it's too hard, either. You're making it harder by not trying at all.

You can't always get what you want but there are a lot of other options.

You may be beautiful to some and ugly to others. Beauty is but a state of mind.

Being human is not an excuse for committing mistakes. Others make it as a scapegoat most of the time.

You do have a conscience. Listen to it in silence.

If money isn't everything, love isn't either.

Pride and anger makes your baggage heavier. Leave them behind and lighten up your load.

Walk by faith and not by sight. What you see isn't always what you get.

It's not about how you look, it's not about what you feel. It's all about your attitude.

Screw what others have to say about you. You know yourself and that's all that counts.

Impressions don't always last. Sometimes, they are just effects of what you want to see.

You don't always have to plan about everything. You just have to know how to face things at certain times.

You don't have to surround yourself with a million friends. A single, true one is all you need.

Never wish you have someone else's life. You'll only end up wishing yours back.

Love is not supposed to hurt. When you always end up crying, think about it and SCRAM!

When you're in a relationship where you have to hide it from the world because of certain "circumstances", just let it go. Love is supposed to bring out the best in you, not hide you in the dark. Be with someone who can and is willing to make you feel like you're the most beautiful person in the world.

Love isn't just something that disappears. If it just fades away, it might not be love afterall.

Opportunities lost are only wasted if you don't make up for them.

Chances never run out but sometimes our hope does!

Don't let yourself revolve around your own single world. There are a lot more places to go to, faces to meet, lessons to learn, and most of all, worlds to conquer.

The only way to be happy is to learn to appreciate what you have and not dwell on what you wish to have which may never be meant for you, afterall.

December 12, 2006

Cover Ups

I did regret a couple of things I've done in my life. If I have to do it all over again, I certainly won’t. And no matter how I try to console with the fact that it was nothing but a learning experience, I know life would've been better had I been more cautious with the things I did in the past, the persons I trusted, and the feelings I felt.

There really is no amount of words and tears (and even regression) that could ever bring back things to its original existence. No amount of apologies can unbreak a broken heart, a broken pact, more so, a broken life. I admit I did a lot of stupid things in the past. Maybe that's the reason why I'm trying to compose myself and am building a new life all over again. I do have my fair share of wild days... of glory days... and gone are those.

I woke up one day realizing the fact that I am not getting any younger. And I know I've lost a lot of opportunities because I always thought that I will never run out of 'em. And I was totally wrong. It took me a lot of hatred in me, a lot of cover ups, a lot of denials, and a lot of failures before I finally realized it's time I face my own fear: ADMITTING MY MISTAKES.

I've been through a lot of stages in my life that I never thought I'd get over. I've partied a lot to try to compensate my life's emptiness. And though I know I met a few good people along the way, I can finally say the party's over. I must try to put things in perspective now. I should've back then. But I was too busy having fun that I failed to notice that I’m having a lot of pain and emptiness in me. And now that I am finally sober from all of life's diversions, I must not let my life slip away now without being able to prove to myself that I AM WORTH SOMETHING.

I know how a lot of people I’ve been with in the past find it hard to believe that I no longer am the girl-next-door they've seen transform into the party girl they never thought they'll see in me and then now, into a person with direction in life. But at this very moment, I know I shouldn't be explaining to anyone. I am doing this not for them. I am doing this for me. And this is probably the first time I’m doing something major for myself. Screw all those who think they are too good that they don't see the faults they have in themselves. I’ve seen a lot of people bring me down ---even those I thought are REAL suddenly lost their glitters as time went by (NOTE: you know who you people are). And they all fade away like they've never been in my life. But I could just care less. Now I know I can finally say, SCREW YOU!

I have learned to live my life apart from all the rest. I know I can face everyone one day with dignity and say I haven’t changed because of anyone else. I just turned into a wiser individual they never thought ill be. Again, I'm still the same old person they knew from back then. ONLY..... WISER!!

November 23, 2006

MiMoKi

Missing someone is such a suffocating feeling....

You try to run away from it

You tend to deny it

Still, it gets through to you till it gets harder and harder to breathe.

Missing someone sucks

You long to bring back a lot of things

You cry yourself to sleep thinking about you still could make it happen

it tortures your being, cuts your heart; and with longing it all deepens.

Missing someone is wanting it all back

The pain won't even matter then

It even makes you long more

Though the pain exists just like before

Missing Someone is giving in to denial

That no matter how you try to forget someone, It is never that easy

That moving on takes much more than mere ABC's

That it takes longer than just counting 123's

Missing someone is emotional suicide

It slowly kills the heart

It lingers even without your presence

It exists.

October 23, 2006

Why Can't I Fall In Love??

The latest self-help book i read. tis my cuzn Aiai's.. beLieve me, it took me sooo Long to read even haLf of it. cuz as eyebrows raise and as questions await to be thrown at me, im pretty sure more specuLations and even more crtiticisms piLe up especiaLLy from those who know me weLL enuf. cuz as hard enuf for me to reLate to it, i know i can never ask myseLf why can i not faLL in Luv. cuz it is for a fact that i have been inLuv severaL tyms --- or so i think. knowing that i've been in and out of reLationships for Lyk 6 years or so, i've been on the verge of faLLing in and out of Luv aLso. so i think i cannot reaLLy recommend the book to u guyz bcuz i never reaLLy caught what the author is trying to teLL me. haha! reaLLy, though.. i myseLf am surprised to reaLize that after being into 6 reLationships or so, im not as excited to be in a reLationship now as i have been before. maybe bcuz i've been hurt more than i've been Luvd back. or maybe bcuz my Liberty is giving me more happiness than being with sumone in a reLationship that's not working out. or that it's better to be singLe than try to twist urseLf to be another person just to make sumone Luv u the way u'd want them to. or bcuz it's more fun to see severaL guyz without worrying bout the commitment or it's just fun being around and meeting a whoLe bunch of pipoL u'd nvr meet had u been with sumone or just bcuz it tires you to be trying the same thing over and over again onLy to end up with the very same resuLt! don't get me wrong.. im not being aLL negative bout this reLationship-craze stuff. but beLieve me.. u have to be happy with urseLf first b4 u can finaLLy b happy with sumone eLse. and hEi.. do urseLf a favor. faLL for the right one. or better yet, don't faLL too much. save your heart from breaking. save urseLf from the effective i-Luv-u-Lie.. but just in case its effect stiLL moves me, i might as weLL wait to be Lied to just so id find Luv magicaL again the way it used to..

Dated: 1 December 2005