Cover Ups

I did regret a couple of things I've done in my life. If I have to do it all over again, I certainly won’t. And no matter how I try to console with the fact that it was nothing but a learning experience, I know life would've been better had I been more cautious with the things I did in the past, the persons I trusted, and the feelings I felt.

There really is no amount of words and tears (and even regression) that could ever bring back things to its original existence. No amount of apologies can unbreak a broken heart, a broken pact, more so, a broken life. I admit I did a lot of stupid things in the past. Maybe that's the reason why I'm trying to compose myself and am building a new life all over again. I do have my fair share of wild days... of glory days... and gone are those.

I woke up one day realizing the fact that I am not getting any younger. And I know I've lost a lot of opportunities because I always thought that I will never run out of 'em. And I was totally wrong. It took me a lot of hatred in me, a lot of cover ups, a lot of denials, and a lot of failures before I finally realized it's time I face my own fear: ADMITTING MY MISTAKES.

I've been through a lot of stages in my life that I never thought I'd get over. I've partied a lot to try to compensate my life's emptiness. And though I know I met a few good people along the way, I can finally say the party's over. I must try to put things in perspective now. I should've back then. But I was too busy having fun that I failed to notice that I’m having a lot of pain and emptiness in me. And now that I am finally sober from all of life's diversions, I must not let my life slip away now without being able to prove to myself that I AM WORTH SOMETHING.

I know how a lot of people I’ve been with in the past find it hard to believe that I no longer am the girl-next-door they've seen transform into the party girl they never thought they'll see in me and then now, into a person with direction in life. But at this very moment, I know I shouldn't be explaining to anyone. I am doing this not for them. I am doing this for me. And this is probably the first time I’m doing something major for myself. Screw all those who think they are too good that they don't see the faults they have in themselves. I’ve seen a lot of people bring me down ---even those I thought are REAL suddenly lost their glitters as time went by (NOTE: you know who you people are). And they all fade away like they've never been in my life. But I could just care less. Now I know I can finally say, SCREW YOU!

I have learned to live my life apart from all the rest. I know I can face everyone one day with dignity and say I haven’t changed because of anyone else. I just turned into a wiser individual they never thought ill be. Again, I'm still the same old person they knew from back then. ONLY..... WISER!!

November 23, 2006