Because of you, I learned how to be stronger in order to keep things together and keep them from falling apart.

Because of you, I learned to be cautious with how I handle things, how I let them go, and how I balance both.

Because of you, I learned to love myself more and appreciate the smallest things in life.

Because of you, I felt like new again, forgetting that I was ever hurt in the past.

Because of you, I see things differently.

Because of you, life seems lighter, brighter, happier.

Because of you, I learned to let go of the fear of falling, fear of losing myself to someone, fear of loving again.

Because of you, I learned to get rid of the bad things and get a grip of the good ones.

Because of you, I became a better version of myself.

Because of you, because of you…  BECAUSE OF YOU. J

I know I don't say this often but THANK YOU.

• For bearing with my not so normal ways and my ever changing temper.
• For hearing me out even at times I get absurd.
• For being patient even when I get too hard to handle.
• For making me laugh at my own abnormalities. :p
• For seeing me as I am even when I'm too complicated to be understood just like that.
• For making me comfortable in your world and for trying to be comfortable in mine.

Whatever it is that we have right now, THANK YOU because you make me smile more than you know you do. :)

Bipolar

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to know I’m standing on solid ground.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just don’t want my time wasted over something that might not be there.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to safely guard my heart.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need to find a reason to be assertive on this,

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often, I really don’t.

I just need to know it’s worth the try.

I’m apprehensive.

A part of me is always pensive.

I don’t want to change my mind every so often,

I just need that one person to give me a reason not to.

For the Record

Over the past month, I got myself an avid reader: my number one critic and number one fan rolled into one. He never runs out of questions to throw and comments to give. He always has something to say, either to annoy me or to annoy me.

The past couple of days, this READER has been bugging me about the last composition I wrote. This composition has been a source of a number of banters that led to several arguments that last up to wee hours. I don’t know why he enjoys opposing to almost everything I say that we rarely agree on anything at all. This led to a rule that he can no longer ask questions about anything he reads on my page --- until further notice. HAHA! Seriously, though, since I had yet another light bulb moment over today’s homily, this one’s for him and his so called peace of mind.

Whatever it was that I was scared of, it was just one of the times when I felt weak about the things I foresee and the things that I know I have no control over. As open as I am, there still are a lot of things that people need to see and people fail to see. This is more than just about me being the usually bubbly and eccentric person that I am. This is more about the softer side of me: the part when I give in to being weak because being strong all the time drains out the better part of me.

I live my own life, I don’t want to be a damsel in distress waiting to be saved. I have no dreams of being a princess waiting for her happy ever after in a form of a prince in a white horse or a silver Porsche. Still, that doesn’t cross out the fact that I also need to know that I’m not in it alone. At times I’m scared to admit that because I have been so good at being on my own, doing things my way. But I also must confess that as human as I am, I do look forward to being with that one person because I know there’s so much I have to give but no one to give it to.

This isn’t me being a drama queen. This isn’t me rushing into things. God, I’ve been waiting for two good years already! This is me being human. This is me wanting to share everything with that one person and that one person alone. I’m not saying I want it now or tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the next few days. I’m just saying that I do have my moments when I feel alone and I feel the need to be comforted by not just anybody else but someone who’s going to be there for me like he never was to anybody else. Everybody needs somebody and I am just like everybody else in this case. I may not need somebody everyday but I do have my moments. And I’m pretty sure I’m not in this alone.

Now, I know we had an agreement not to talk about this anymore if we want to avoid another long argument until wee hours that makes one or both of us end up being upset. But I know that in the next few days, there will be another attempt to squeeze out answers from me because of his “curious” mind. So here’s everything he needs to know for his peace of mind.

For the record, I never like explaining myself to anybody. But since you’re the number one critic as of press time and you’re the only one I shared that composition with, then here’s my side of the story. Questions will only be entertained until midnight. Timer starts now. Tick tock, tick tock. J

The Part Where I Get Scared

I see you in a different light, you see me as I am.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You know everything about me, I know not a thing about you yet I don't care.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You keep your silence, I keep mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You look deep into my eyes, I look deeper into yours.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

You make me laugh, you make me mad.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

There's that look in your eyes, there's this smile in mine.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

I catch myself smiling, I really don't mind.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I GET SCARED.

It's weird that I'm not scared by now when I know I should be.
NOW I REALLY SHOULD BE SCARED!

Foxed

Six days ago, in a car conversation, a good friend told me something that keeps ringing in my ear until now. I’m not sure if she was just foxed up or if she really has been meaning to tell me that for the longest time.

Being like the older sister I never had, she’s been looking after me since day one. And it’s good that I have someone to say the truth to my face at times I need it most.

I can’t recall how the topic started and why we reached that conversation because from what I remember, we were laughing our hearts out from the crazy night we just had. You know what it’s like when you and your friend are both babbling, laughing like crazy, then all of sudden one of you keeps quiet and then the conversation starts to get serious? That’s what happened.

All I remember is that she suddenly asked about some guy I went out with and she started giving me a litany of the things she learned and the things she didn’t want me to experience. She then ended it with an “It sucks when you think you have lots to choose from but when you REALLY think about it, you can’t pick any of them” statement.

Ouch!

It’s been six days since she said that and for some reason, I just can’t get it out of my head. Maybe because I can’t answer her with anything but “I know.” Because, indeed, I do know how that sucks. I do know how frustrating it can be at times when you become an option at some point just because you are too comfortable. Or how annoying it gets when you get to pull yourself out of the situation and then years later, the same guy comes back to tell you how much of a jerk he WAS. Or how frantic it becomes at some point thinking how elusive good relationships have become.

I’m cool with being single. I don’t mind not being in a relationship for as long as jerks on the loose stay away from me as well. I don’t want another summer fling or just another May-December love affair. I want nothing less than what’s worth keeping and worth fighting for.

Okay, so maybe I watched too many wedding videos lately. I can no longer put the blame on Jon Mcluaghlin this time.

Twenty Five

Okay. So last night, I was having a hard time getting some decent sleep. I was in bed turning from one side to another, with all these thoughts running in my head. Then I figured, since I'll be turning 25, then maybe it won't be such a bad idea to write about 25 things that made great impact in my life for the past 25 years: things that I am thankful for and the things that never fail to make me feel better. :)

25 Things in My Life I Am Thankful for

1. The gift of life and how beautiful it is for me. I may not live a perfect life or get anywhere near perfection but I wouldn’t trade it with anyone else’s.
2. The gift of love and how much it has become a learning experience for me.
3. The gift of family and how much I find strength in knowing that home will always be my comfort zone no matter what.
4. The gift of friendship and how I came to know who are real and who are not.
5. The gift of fate and how it made me cross paths with people who made me bring out the best and worst in me.
6. The gift of change and how I was able to change with the world.
7. The gift of acceptance and how it helps me be in a better place at all times.
8. The gift of contentment and how it makes me stop wanting what I don’t need.
9. The gift of pain and how it makes me realize that I am not invincible.
10. The gift of faith and how it makes me believe that Someone up there knows everything that goes on down here.
11. The gift of second chances and how it allows me to make up for bad choices and lost opportunities.
12. The gift of understanding and how it gives me a brighter view of the world.
13. The gift of time and how it allows me to do things that allow me to grow.
14. The gift of wisdom and how it guides me to do what’s right even when I don’t feel like it.
15. The gift of courage and how it makes me go on and seek for the great unknown
16. The gift of hope and how it helps me want to go on each day even when things are at its utter worst.
17. The gift of trust and how it allows me to build stronger relationships with the people that surrounds me.
18. The gift of forgiveness and how it lightens up my load of extra baggage that make my travel harder.
19. The gift of imperfection and how it makes me stay grounded.
20. The gift of senses and how they allow me to experience how beautiful the world is.
21. The gift of writing and how it makes me feel better all the time.
22. The gift of individuality that sets me apart from the rest.
23. The gift of patience and how I learn to keep it everyday.
24. The gift of empathy and how it prevents me from demeaning others.
25. The gift of reality and how it saves me from living a life that is untrue.

25 Things That Always Make Me Feel Better

1. Food.
2. A cup of coffee.
3. A good book.
4. A hug when I’m grumpy.
5. A kiss on the forehead.
6. Sunrise.
7. Sunset.
8. A text from someone I care about.
9. Just sitting beside a friend.
10. A good conversation.
11. Another hand holding mine.
12. A silent prayer.
13. A good song.
14. A glass of cold water.
15. Words of encouragement from someone I look up to.
16. Babies’ scent.
17. The beach.
18. The feel of sand on my feet.
19. A silent moment.
20. A sincere smile.
21. A falling star.
22. A phone call.
23. A memento.
24. Dark chocolates.
25. Sleep.

My Kind of Guy

In less than a couple of months, I’ll be 25. As much I hate to admit it, but yeah, I’ve been single for a couple of years, dating one jerk to another. And because everybody is pressuring me into having a relationship already, they keep pairing me up with whoever but end up not liking to date any of them at all.

I have high standards, I’ve been told. Well, over the years, I have grown and along with it developed my preferences. I used to alter my penchants so I can meet others’ customs, jeopardizing what I really want and maybe even deserve. So after the last guy I exclusively dated, who, by the way, made me forget about my ideals, I figured it’s time I stick to my proclivities and practice this thing called PATIENCE.

So patience it is! And patience left me single for two years and counting. :)

And because my friends, both old and new, keep compelling me to just get myself a guy already, I have to endure the bantering and the bullying all the time. But as stubborn as I am, it doesn’t really get to me, unless at times they hard sell somebody who isn’t even my type.

Over the years, I’ve been into several relationships and endured different types of personalities as much as they tried to endure mine. And because of those people I’ve been with, I actually had this list written in my subconscious until now. But rather than settling for what I want in a guy, I realized maybe it’s time I go for what I essentially need. So here goes.

1. I need a guy who can blow my mind. He has to be sharp enough to stimulate my mind and clever enough to counterpart my intellectual cravings.
2. I need a guy who understands that I’m far from the typical. I’m radically irrational. I’m blunt, I know no pretenses. I’m insanely extreme, black or white, never gray. I’m outrageous, never drawn back. I get utterly mad one minute, bubbly the next. I’m complicated and I need someone willing to live with that.
3. I need a guy who wants me for the person that I am and not for the princess he thinks I am. I’m no princess. I sit on corners drinking with my friends. I can endure life’s complexities without needing to be saved by a knight in shining armor. I don’t want my life to be that of a fairy tale. I want the real deal. I hate compliments if it only means winning me over.
4. I need a guy who can endure my persona and everything that goes with it. I’m not an angel, I’m far from being one. I’m brutally honest, I say what I mean out loud, dismissing cover-ups and facades. I’m mad when I’m mad, never keeping it in. I’m the sweetest when I feel like it, not minding the world and what it has to say. I live my life the way I want it, regardless if he’s going to be in it with me or not.
5. I need a guy who can sweep me off my feet and just forget about the rest of the world even without trying. I don’t want a guy to be someone he’s not just to get through me. I hate the “putting the best foot forward” stage. I hate it when a guy does things just to please me or my friends, only for his true colors to be revealed later on. I don’t like it when a guy tries to impress. I want to be swept off my feet without feeling the pressure, without feeling the rush. I want to feel the oblivion effortlessly.
6. I need a guy who is consistent. I don't need another inconsistency in me life right now. Got no space for more. I need someone who says what he means, means what he says, and means it forever. I don't need someone who will sweep me off my feet and blow my mind today, only to resurface weeks, months, or even years after like some guys I know
7. But above all this, I need a guy who won’t complicate my life. Yes. This one I need pretty badly. My life is complicated enough, I don’t have room for any more impediments. Period.

With that said, I know it’s like wishing on a falling star or a box to the moon. I once read somewhere that the best things in life are illegal, fattening, expensive, or married to someone else or something like that. Whatever the case, I won’t settle for less. Not this time, not anymore. And I don’t mind waiting for another year or two just to meet that one person who will make me forget the rest.

I know most of you will no longer wonder why I’m still single. You may think I’m asking for too much. I don’t mind. This is me being patient. This is me waiting for who I deserve: a guy who will make me feel that it’s alright to be real.

I'd rather forget about Mr. Right if his first name's Always or his last name's Now.

Blame it on Jon Mclaughlin

I’m in one of those moments when everything is at its perspective but it just doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know if this is just one of my temporary insanities, yet another down cycle, or if I’m having a quarter-life crisis. Whichever the case doesn’t matter because it all feels the same, anyway.

I guess everybody has been there at some point, waking up every single day to what seems to be routinary. You go to work, you party, you go to work, you party. You have all the fun in the world but you end up asking yourself at the end of the day if that is all there is to it.

Okay, okay… So maybe I had too much of Jon Mclaughlin’s Beautiful Disaster. Or maybe I just got tired of waiting for my happy ever after. It’s that feeling of emptiness when you start and end the day on your own with several people in between. Yes, you have fun. Tons of it. But life isn’t just about having fun, is it?

My life is always on the edge, almost always complicated. Never boring, to say the least. I therefore can’t say that I am just bored. Or maybe I just got used to being on the edge that even the complications bore me now. Alright, so maybe I am bored.

Perhaps I’m past the life-is-but-a-party stage. Perhaps I need to meet new faces, see new places that will amaze me. Perhaps I now need to slow down and see the bigger picture, capture the greater things in life. Perhaps I need answers that don’t start with perhaps. Perhaps…

I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of weeks already and I feel weird not being my usual bubbly self. I hate faking smiles but I sometimes have no choice because if I don't, everything will crumble for no apparent reason at all. That will be worse than just feeling down just because I feel like it.

I’m hoping this is just PMS because I don’t want to feel like this for long. So, NO… I’d rather not think this is a temporary insanity, another down cycle, or a quarter-life crisis because it sucks when even The Script’s For the First Time fails to cheer me up. It normally does on my bubbly days.

So if tomorrow you find me grumpy, cranky, and dull, blame it on Jon Mclaughlin.

The End... At Last.

I had to bare my soul yet again. Maybe because there were things I didn’t tell you the last time. Or because I held back so you won’t know. Or because I was afraid you don’t feel the same. Or that you’d notice and things might just fall apart… again.

I’m at a loss. Not knowing what to do, what to say, what to keep, what to let go. But you know me. I’d rather be hurt with what’s true than be happy with what’s not. So here I am, ripping my heart open even if it kills me. And yes, it does. It kills me because even after more than half a decade, it still hurts like hell.

More than half a decade and there have been several people in between. You continued living your life as I tried living mine. But what difference does it make, moving on, when each and every single time we meet feels just like the old times? Me wanting to just freeze in time, you holding me like it’s always the first time.

But is this just a game? I have to ask. I have to know. Because if this is, then I’ll play it with you because I refuse to be played. If this is just a game then let’s play it together, you and I, until we know who wins. Maybe by then there’ll be an end to this cycle. Maybe if I lost, I can then move on for real. And if I win, we’ll have each other for keeps and start from there.

You know I’ve always been honest with you, with how I feel. So this time, I’ll tell you the truth like the old times. That night means so much more to me than you would ever imagine. You know how I tried to avoid you the first time we met again after 5 long years. But six months after, fate took its own course and I lost control over the situation. I could’ve stayed with you and spent more time. But it was all I can take. I had to stop before we both went overboard. Lying there with you, catching up on the times we lost, I could’ve just told you what I’m telling you now. I could’ve just asked you to never let me go ever again. I could’ve just stayed there and forget the rest of the world. I could have… I would have…

But I didn't...

So here I am, baring my soul again, telling you the truth even if it hurts. This isn’t the first time but it’ll be the last.

3 January 2011

Welcome 2011!

The time of the year has come for me to look back and see what I have become during the 300 and 65 days that have passed. It’s time for me to run through the many blessings that were given to me and go over the things I need to leave behind as the year closes. It’s crazy how much we realize the changes only after so much has passed but overlook what we do to make things change in our everyday lives. Again, I don’t live a perfect life. My life is far from perfect, even. But there’s nothing more I can ask for except for better days and better ways.

2010 has been one hell of a ride for me. It may not be as extreme and intense as last year was but this year has not only been good to me, it has been way better!

This year, I have fallen out of love as fast as I have fallen into it. I got my heart broken (again), broken someone’s heart, and fixed what was broken. I saw an old love, rekindled an old flame, and renewed an old friendship. I fell, I failed, I got back up again. I loved, I lost, but I found out that what I was looking for has been here all along. I rediscovered the magic my soul mate brings, forgot he ever broke my heart, and started a new chapter of amity even if it means for us to be just friends from then on. I hurt myself, hurt somebody else, and learned to keep things at a slower pace so as not to leave the important details behind. I learned the value of waiting, being waited for, and knowing that I don’t always get what I want the moment I want it. I realize that it’s okay to let people go and that it’s not always good to hold on and fight for what we feel. I discovered that it’s alright to give up at times most especially when it’s not worth trying for anymore. I understood that winning isn’t always everything and that it’s okay to lose sometimes. But most importantly, despite all of life’s diversions, I still believe that the greatest gifts in life are the gifts of faith, fate, family, and friends.

Without faith, there will be nothing to look up to. Without fate, there will be nothing to look forward to. Without family, there will be no one to come home to. Without friends, there will be no one to run to.

As I close my 2010, I would like to extend my deep gratitude to everyone who came and left, who came and stayed for a while, and most especially to those who came and hang about. Life wouldn’t be as crazy without all of you and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve been blessed with a lot of good friends this year and they all came at the right moment, at the right place, with the right reasons. You are life’s greatest gift to me! =)

So as I bid farewell to 2010, out the door goes all the pains, the confusions, unnecessary stresses, false hopes, and all the negativities I felt this year. Here’s to hoping for more genuine laughter with genuine friends, happier days and healthier ways, fulfillment of realistic dreams, stronger faith, and a blissful heart.

Welcome, 2011!

31 December 2010

Happy 1st, TSC!

Exactly 365 days ago, a beautiful gift was given to me. What was meant to be only a year-end escapade became a support group for us who ended the year with broken hearts. Yes, the five of us ended 2009 with hearts cold and searching. 365 days later, we still are all single. But it’s good to know that none of us is broken hearted anymore. We may be single as we close 2010 but our hearts are not as cold as it had been in 2009. And it’s enlightening to know that we all have become happier individuals from the time we first got together.

Moree: I’m glad that as we close this year, we no longer talk about heartbreaks and heartaches. Our conversations have grown with us as we have outgrown our pains. =)

Nina: The same goes for you. You have conquered a lot of fears and dried a lot of tears this year and I’m proud of you.

Thamer: We’ve always been at each other’s beck and call and that is how we’ll always be.

Adie: You’re always missing in action that’s why we always look forward to being with you. Hopefully, you’ll spend more days with us on 2011.

Here’s to wishing we won’t close 2011 with lonely hearts! Happy 1st, TSC! ♥

30 December 2010

25 Random Facts

20 September 2009

1. I am a Reformed Christian. Yes, I am. And I’m so so proud of it. This became an inside joke before knowing I sometimes go home at the crack of dawn just to sleep an hour or so and wake up and go to church still groggy and all or does not go home at all and goes directly to church straight from an all night’s party that i would usually refer myself as the only ngarag Christian there is. But friends, on the other hand, would prefer to see it in a different outlook: they see me as the most faithful party girl. And I do take it as a compliment knowing faith is a whole lot more important to me than most people think.

2. I sleep and eat a lot. It’s just not obvious. HAHA! I’m such a pig that people often wonder where everything I devour goes to.

3. I don’t talk as much anymore. Yes. Unlike before, I’d rather keep a lot of things to myself now. I’m living one helluva life. I don’t think I have to spell it out for everyone.

4. I’m wiser now. I’m not getting any younger. Well, who is? I may not be looking any older but I’m pretty sure I’m getting more mature by the minute.

5. I don’t believe in against all odds anymore. As I said, I’ve grown wiser. There’s more to it than drowning yourself with the person when you know you can just swim across the shore and save yourself.

6. I believe everything in life is relative. So i don’t go pleasing everyone. I know I just can’t. I never will. So i won’t.

7. I’m happy to be apart from the world that used to revolve around me. I love my new life. No people prying in on what-nots and all the things that are totally not their business. I love the air of freedom. Of peace. Apart from the rest…

8. Dreams. A lot of things occur to me when I’m asleep. I, too, find it weird. But i usually wake up in the middle of the night with things going on in my head. Things i should know, things i should remember, things that just wake me up. To reality. And however weird it gets, it helps a lot of reality check for me cuz the things that occur to me when I’m asleep are things that are actually about to happen, or has happened without me knowing face-front. Can I get any weirder?

9. The first eight things I've written actually came from 8's On My List.http://chellosheng.blogspot.com/2009/04/8s-on-my-list.html

10. I so love balut I can actually eat six in one seating, I uber like isaw andadidas, too, but it'll take a miracle for you to make me eat saging. Yeah, that's right. I don't eat bananas. Not even banana spilt or banana cue or the ones found in binignit and halohalo.

11. I've been writing compositions since I was eight. Thank God for giving me this part time job, I no longer am a frustrated writer.

12. For the longest time I convinced myself I have low to no standards. Little did I know mine are actually harder to attain.

13.I'm more of an alternative listener. Classics I also like. Pop I don't like that much, let alone rock metal which I absolutely can't tolerate.

14. I prefer to be one-OF-the guys than be one-FOR-the-guys. You can make me sit sa may kanto and jam with the guys playing guitar and just enjoy the conversations that all end with poop.

15. Never have I imagined myself being an engineer, nor do the people who know how much of a kikay I can be.But here I am, months away from being one.

16. I'm a sucker for happy endings but I'd rather find Mr. Real than be deceived by the thoughts of Mr. Perfect, who, in my opinion, doesn't exist at all.

17.One of my secret wishes is to be a missionary in Africa. So there goes my secret!

18.At 23, I've been proposed to thrice. Now tell me, do I really look like I'm wife material?

19.Crossing the street alone still scares the hell out of me e-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e.

20. Tying shoelaces that ends actually tied up is a real task to me. I just tie a knot twice and hide the rest at the sides and that's about it.

21. I write really good compositions only when I'm in my extreme moments, be it extremely happy or otherwise. Still, work's another story.

22. If you're looking for a song that exactly describes the whole of me, try listening to She's Always a Woman to Me.

23. I firmly believe life is so much easier when people tell the truth regardless of how painful that truth may be.

24. The only porno videos I saw were that of Katrina Halili and Maricar Reyes, which I did only out of sheer curiosity and which I never even watched halfway, I might add.

25. I wasn't really tagged for me to write this. I just saw Boobie's notes and decided to write one for myself.

My Bucket List

I've been tagged so I decided to write one myself. My own bucket list before I reach 30. I still have like 7 years to go and I'll be working on making all of it done on or before due date. Haha! My list isn't much of material preferences. Majority isn't tangible. This is all I want for now anyway. So... Here goes...

By 30, I should:

1. Be able to do things I find hard doing ALONE. Eat, travel, shop, deal with a broken heart...

2. Get out of my comfort zone as much as possible.

3. Go bungee jumping or skydiving. Or simply learn how to swim AND NOT BE SCARED.

4. Start a tinkerbell collection.

5. Have a life worth looking back to.

6. Get rid of all the negative bones in me. (or at least I'll try!)

7. Meet THAT ONE PERSON.

8. Get married.

9. Have kids.

10. Have my own home with my own family.

11. Start a business.

12. Write a book.

13. Take any course related to writing.

14. Look for a greener pasture.

15. Learn another language. Or two.

16. Take up theology.

17. Create a portfolio of my own writings.

18. Feel filthy rich despite what i have not. :)

19. Save up for the Venice trip I'm gunna have with that one person. :)

By 30, I should know:

1. How to love myself more.

2. How to love without losing my way.

3. When to hold on and when to let go.

4. When enough is enough.

Okay... So I didn't know it'll take me weeks before I can finally come up with my own list. Not that I don't know what I want. It's just that on the course of writing them all down, I realized some of the things I thought I wanted, I really can get by without after all. So for now, these are all the things I want. :)

21 October 2009

Where it Hurts

So this is where it hurts.
You come and sweep me off my feet, take away the peace I've so long maintained, and leave like you never came.

So this is where it hurts.
I pick the shattered pieces up, get on my feet, try to face everyday as it comes, then you come around again and break what I'm trying to put back together.

So this is where it hurts.
I try to move on and felt like I have and you mess my mind up again, make me feel things I so wanted to forget, and my heart is at a whirlwind once more.

So this is where it hurts.
I move on and you come back into the picture, make me change my mind and change my heart, and you get lost after I thought everything between us is okay.

So this is where it hurts.
I spent years trying to figure things out while you were happy out there, spent years trying to get to where I wanted to be, and you sweep me off my feet again, making me feel like you never left at all.

So this is where it hurts.
You shake the world I so tried to keep stable and you leave me hoping for what was and what should've been.

So this is where it hurts.
I'm still here hoping and you're there, not even aware that once again I'm bleeding.

**Oh they do. Why oh why do they have to???

8 July 2010

STATUS: It's UN-Complicated

Those who know me know quite well that I am a magnet of complicated relationships. A good friend once told me it is because my personality is too comfortable, too open that I frequently become a comfort zone to those who have grown uncomfortable with their own relationships. Am I that much of a shock absorber? A catch pad? Or am I just, well, too available? It’s funny how I put an ultra thick barrier between me and the people I don’t like yet it’s easy for the people who affect me to pull those barriers down anytime, without any warning.

I live by my own rules but I’m bound to break them anytime.

I scare myself sometimes because I know how extreme I get, although I manage to tame the wild side now. Still, I can be extreme at some point no matter how tamed the wild side is --- going for things regardless of the situation just because I like it.

A recent conversation with an ex I haven’t spoken with for almost five years made me realize how blatant I was, even at 18. I say what I want not considering who I say it to, notwithstanding the brutality of what I say just to get it off my chest. I always feel better afterwards.

That same ex just didn’t know how hard it was for me to stand up to him and have things my own way with him because he, too, was just as tough as I was, standing firm on what he wants without any regard to what the world thinks. He’s mad when he’s mad, sweetest when he feels like it, and is not afraid to show it. And just like me, he’s brutally honest when the need arises. Until now, we talk about things we no longer need to talk about and enjoy bantering each other with unnecessary debates just because I’m the only person he can talk that way to and vice versa. No matter how heated the arguments become, to a point where we oftentimes get too personal, we still manage to just laugh about it after. Being brutally honest as he is, he told me how difficult it was for him to deal with me because I’m tougher than I ought to be, building fences just because I want to. In his words, I “build strong walls for people I don’t like but is the sweetest to those strong enough to break it”. True enough, he’s the one who knows me inside more than he knows me outside. That’s one reason I don’t want him to look into my eyes because he knows better than just believe the smile I put on. Even my sweetest smiles don’t appeal to him when he’s mad.

Apparently, he was tough on me because I was tough on him.

Scenarios like these don’t normally interest average guys because for one, I don’t go for just the average, being the extreme person that I am. Two, I generally need someone interesting enough to blow my mind and strong enough to soften the tougher side of me. Three, what used to fascinate me are the radical, immoderate type of relationships. Four, it takes a lot for a guy to make me lose my defenses. And lastly, the guy must be crazy enough to put up with me. For these reasons, I draw complicated guys with complicated lives and eventually add up to my own complications.

For the longest time, my relationships have been that way. Complicated is but normal to me. I go for complicated situations, try to make it normal until the complications come back to me later on. But, yeah, I’m used to it. I’m nuts enough to withstand it, dangerous enough to enjoy it. That’s how I have been for the longest time, until this morning.

A madcap early morning conversation with my sound board, Sai, gave me yet another light bulb moment. I suddenly became aware of what I should’ve known and realized back then.

It’s like a crazy pop-up coming out of the monitor, like a ball thrown at you when you have your 3D glasses on. It was right there, spelling out every word for me. It’s time for me to UN-complicate things. Yeah, you read that out right. It’s time for me to un-complicate things.

It sounds easy but for someone as sweeping as I am, it’s like asking a smoker to quit smoking. But, yeah, I’m giving it a try. It’s time for me to choose the simple yet stable over the scarily exciting but fleeting. It may sound boring but it’s worth a try. It’s something I never tried before but it may work.

It’s time. I’m un-complicating my relationship status. =)

1 September 2010