To a Friend I Used to Love

Once there was a love I never thought would surface. We were friends, oh yes we were. And close friends at that... He was one of the trusted friends I used to confide in at times the world is at its insanest peak. He was the one I instantly run to every time I need a hand to hold. I was in an against all odds relationship at that time... And he was the one who always finds his way to me at times my heart bursts with tears and sadness. The mere thought of his friendship makes my gloomy days brighter and my heavy mood lighter...

The scenario was always like that till the time i had to leave. I had to leave town, and my relationship, too. I went on to find another life, another love, another world... And as days moved into months, I didn't notice how time went by fast. Years passed and I came across my old love. I came across my old friend, too. I thought the old love will be rekindled. Little did I know that another love will. The old friend confessed of something I never thought possible. But, yes. He did confess of how he felt back then. Was I surprised? Partly. But was I happy? In a way, I am. Because subconsciously, the existence of that old friend is one of the things that helped me make it through.

We may not have kept the friendship alive all the years we were apart but we never put an end to it either. And at that instant, I felt the surge of something I never thought possible between us. He belongs to someone else.

I may never understand why he had to tell me what he felt years ago, or if he still felt it at the time 'cause we never talked about it. But I'm glad that at a portion of his lifetime, he felt for me. I am guilty of making him feel otherwise and of never admitting this to him ever, but... At a portion of my lifetime, I felt for him too. I just didn't have the right to tell him and I didn't wanna complicate his life. But, yes, I DID FEEL FOR HIM TOO. And it took me a while to finally face it. Maybe we were both cowards not to face what we both felt. Or maybe we just didn't feel it at the same time. But we did feel for each other at some point in our lives and that's enough for me. I may not be able to say this to him upfront, but in case he'll need me, he still can talk to me the way he used to... Under the stars, sharing the same pillow... Sharing the same friendship. :)

All For Love

This is for

the lonely & the happy,

the hurting & the healing,

the taken & the mistaken,

the sad & the mad,

the hopeful & the hoping…

This is for

the loved & the unloved,

the trying & the crying,

the rejected & the neglected,

the waiting & never came back to,

the waiting & was returned back to,

the waiting & still willing to wait…

This is for

the hopeless & the helpless,

the aspiring lover & the expiring lover…

This is for

the left behind,

the in denial,

the moving on…

This is for those

who loved & lost,

who loved & left,

who loved & gained…

This is for those

who loved, lost, but still loving,

who loved, lost, but still hoping & waiting… & waiting…

For those

who loved & let go,

and for those who loved & are about to let go…

For those

who want to be in love but can never seem to find the right love,

&

For those

who want to keep trying but was let go of…

For those

who loved & left & want to come back…

For those

who still believe in paradise, in forevers, in ever afters…

For those

who ever experienced love at some point in their lives

& for those who are still experiencing it…

This is for everybody.

This is for you. For breaking my heart…

This is for me. For keeping things from falling apart.

& this is for HIM, for making me whole again…

But most especially, this is for LOVE, for still working its way in everybody’s lives.

It may not work the way we want it to but it will always work for us the best way it knows how to.

It may not stay when we thought we need it badly but it will come the moment we don’t search for it. It will come when it knows we’re ready for paradise, for forevers, for ever afters… It will come when it knows we’re ready to take pain for happiness, to endure the waiting, & to love like you never have.

So keep your hearts open for love because it comes the very least moment you expect it.

To everyone who still believes in the magic of love, & to everyone who wants to believe, whichever you are from any of the above, KEEP BELIEVING! Be reminded that great things don’t come easy. Forever doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a place you go to. It’s a fraction of what you feel for a person who will work as hard, or even more, to reach forever with you. And when you find that person, never let go. Love works in the most mysterious ways, in the most unlikely places, at the most unexpected times.

Just keep loving & you will see… the beauty of love will unfold in God’s perfect time. Let God write your love story and enjoy the story He deems best for you. Love will always be the best feeling in the world so KEEP LOVING! =)

Sober

The past weeks have been more than a crazy roller coaster ride for me. Everything seems absurd and there’s not anything or anyone that can put sense into this irrational brain of mine. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seems to pacify me from my self-inflicted lunacy. My recurring temporary insanity is on its way to being permanent. Haha! And to top it all, I seem to lose the strength to fight things that used to be so bearable to me.

Okay, Okay… I can actually hear my friends saying, “I told you”, “you should’ve seen it coming”, “you know way better”, and more of those reproaches. I actually told myself all of those long before they actually knew that I was falling apart!

I’ve had more sleepless nights than they knew, more crying moments than I truthfully revealed, and a lot more gaga instances than I would want to expose.

I know I’m hardheaded. I do things I want to and I stick to it even when the whole world tells me otherwise.All my friends can attest to that. :)) And I’m not ashamed to admit that I, the strong Sheng everyone knows, have my gaga side that no one seems to expect. And I’m honest enough to confess that I cried over things that I shouldn’t be crying over, to start with.

So, here you go guys… You now know that I, the tough Sheng you all know, crumble over a heartbreak that was inevitable. Was I blind? Or was I just hopeful? HAHA!

I tried all the diversions I can think of. I cried all the tears I never thought I have. Heck, I could’ve been dehydrated for Pete’s sake! More than that, I tormented myself, tested my threshold, and prayed as hard as I can the best way I can. All to no avail.

The hardest times for me were those moments when I’m about to get some decent possible sleep and the moment I wake up to see the daylight. The former because it’s when all the unwanted thoughts come in, the latter because I know it’s going be another day I’m super struggling to survive. Every waking moment is emotional suicide because everything I do, everywhere I go, every little thing I see reminds me of what I’m trying so hard not to remember. Still, even in my sleep, emotional suicide seems to follow. My dreams were all about what I was trying to run away from. Sleep used to be my greatest alliance when I want to run away from the world’s pains and hurts. But the past weeks, I have no escape. What more torture can you ask for?

My nightmare always found its way to me the harder I try to hide myself from it. I was wishing and praying and hoping for better days but my impractical mind seems to be wishing and praying and hoping for the wrong nuances of better days. My threshold seems to be far from sight, more so, out of reach. My tears seem bottomless, my heart still willing to take more pain than I should. It seems to have a mind of its own. Haha!

Again, the battle of mind and heart is on! And my soul is not only broken. It’s all shattered into pieces and I seem weak and tired and lazy and not wanting to pick it all up even one at a time. No matter how the sane part of me wants to stand up from the fall, the cynical part of me wants to stay this way. How gaga can I get? Yeah, yeah. I’m aware of that. Love does that to me everytime! C’mon guys, I was inlove! (take note of the WAS. hehe) And we all know that love strikes harder, deeper, stronger the more you try to turn it off!

How was I to know it was ending? How was I to know? Even the wisest, strongest, sanest person to ever exist will never be able to clearly know that. So there I was, making myself agonize and crying over spilled useless milk. I was a damsel in distress who wouldn’t want to be saved from my affliction.

Who can save me now? Everyone’s words of wisdom and comfort don’t seem to comfort me at all! They only seem to pass right through me. They never seem to sink in.

Again, who can save me now? After all the sleepless, miserable nights, I realized that my greatest adversary was MYSELF. After days and days of wallowing myself in torment, I beat myself out of my wits. I slowly dragged myself out of the dark cocoon I wrapped around myself and searched for even the smallest proportions of light. And light there was! I beat my own self. I won against my own self-inflicted suffering. I won against myself. Haha. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I know I am. At least I’m modest enough to admit that part of me.

So now I can answer my own question: Who can save me now? I can save my own self. And I did. I saved myself. I am my own hero. I decided to leave everything behind and I am happy about it. I TRULY AM. Just as what I was telling everyone, I’m back on my feet now. And I’m beyond doubt starting to live again. My sanguine self is on its way so guys, make way! Hehe.

And just like what i always say, “HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. SADNESS IS JUST AN OPTION. I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. SO I AM. NO HANG-UPS, NO REGRETS. JUST HAPPY”.

I become conscious of that again when I came across my past compositions. And then it hit me. It actually hit me hard. I knew all of this all along. I was just too busy being hurt to see it clearly. Sometimes it’s just hard to plainly see what’s outside the box when the only things you see are the four sides of the box.

So to all of my friends I used to reprimand for being gaga over someone they shouldn’t, now’s you’re chance to get back at me. Hehehe. Seriously, I’m super back on my feet now. And I assure you guys, no more gaga mode for me… FOR NOW! Haha. Till the next one comes along! Haha.

So to everyone who helped me get through my insanest moments, to everyone who patiently listened to my irksome ranting and raving, and to everyone who prayed for me, THANK YOU.

Now I know that all those burdensome days I was praying for the wrong things, hoping for the flawed coming true of wrong wishes, and holding on to the things I’m so much better off without. So now, I’m praying for the right things. I’m giving it all up to God. I‘m letting Him write the love story He knows is best for me. Now I have the right things in mind. I’m now letting everything go with an open heart and an open mind. At least now I won’t be going through a battle of the heart and mind for the nth time around.

Again, thank you everyone. (You know who you guys are). And, I’m back! For good…

Indifferent

When i look at him, I feel INDIFFERENT.
I mean, yes, it’s “sayang” that I poured out my whole heart on him in a span of 9 months.
But seeing him now, I ask myself how could I even be so blind to let myself fall for another effective i-love-you-lie…
I loved him with all of me, yes.
I wouldn’t deny that cuz a part of me still wants to straighten things out with him.
BUT I’M SURE IT’S NOT OUT OF LOVE ANYMORE.
IT’S OUT OF SHEER WANT TO STEER NEGATIVITY AWAY.
I want so much to go back to my old sanguine self.Ü
The old Sheng who’s strong and not the Sheng he’s made me to be.
Cuz even though a part of me stays with him, a bigger part of me remains to myself, to the people in my life now, and will be for the remaining people i will meet in my lifetime.
Yes, I was hurt.
Actually, a part of me still aches.
But I’m back on my feet now.
And one of these days, I’ll be able to look him straight in the eye and say, “THANK YOU FOR GETTING OUT OF MY LIFE THE BEST TIME YOU KNOW WHEN TO”.
Cuz at the end of it all, I may have loved and lost but I loved with all of me.
I can deal with that.

My Life's Sweetest Blessing

I’m more than thankful God gave me YOU — a blessing I did not ask for but a blessing that will always touch my life eternally.

Yes, I did not ask God to give you to me. But He did.

He must’ve known I need someone like you. He must’ve known you’re the best person for me. He must’ve known you’re that one person who can make me completely happy.

Yes, I did not ask God for you. But He did.

And yes, you’re the one I need, you’re the best person for me, and yes, you make me completely happy.

I did not ask God for you, but since He did, I know there’s no turning back.

Now that I have you, I know I’ll never let you go. I’ll never let this go.

Ever.

Well, not unless you want me to.

And I’ll be praying so hard that day won’t come because now that you’re here, I finally know what I’m looking for.

I’ve been telling you this and I wanna tell you again. I’ll do what it takes to keep you. I’ll do what it takes to experience forever with you.

I know this won’t be a perfect ride. I don’t expect it to be.

I know we’ll go through a lot of highs and lows, and a lot more good times and bad times.

And I pray that we go through all of those TOGETHER.

I wanna grow with you and live through life with you.

I never knew love could feel like this.

And I wanna thank you for giving me this experience.

I know I’ve said it a million times before.And I don’t mind saying it a zillion times more.

I LOVE YOU.

Keep that in mind.

That’s all I ask of you.

This Time

In my life I’ve many
passing fancies.

People come and go
without any warning.

They come even when
we don’t want them in our lives.

They go no matter how
we want them to stay.

It’s always hard to
let people go

but nothing beats the
hardness

when you’ve let all
your guards down

but they still decide to leave you anyway.

You always end up
feeling you’re not good enough.

Am I not good enough?

I’ve been hurt but
still I let all my defenses down

hoping I’m right this
time around.

Lord, I don’t wanna lose myself again.

PLEASE LET ME BE RIGHT THIS TIME!

That One Person

I’ve always loved love. I’ve always loved to love. I always take its risk no matter how complex it gets. I never hesitate to do crazy things when I’m in love — I guess I’m in my craziest state when I’m in love.
.
.
I never was afraid to love. WAS. I don’t know what the heck happened but I AM NOW. I used to be always a risk taker and the face the consequences no matter how grave they can be. Now I wonder, have I just matured and realized that there’s more to relationships than just loving? Or did I just grow tired of falling over and over again?
.
.
A lot of questions remain unanswered to me. The more I search for answers, the more questions come in.
.
.
Do you know if you’ve fallen for the right one? How do you know if you have? How do you know if you’re the right person for him too? Does it necessarily follow that if he’s the right one for you then you’re the right one for him also?
.
.
It gets crazier by the minute. I don’t think I’m still that crazy to still go for it. I guess I’m gonna be afraid for a time from now. Afraid for things to get more complicated. Afraid to fall and fail the nth time around. Afraid I’d give whatever’s left of me. .
.
.
Does it make sense, really? I’ve never been afraid to love but this time around I know I need to safely guard my heart and save it for that one person. THAT ONE PERSON… Someone who will still be there even if all else fails. That one person… Just that one person then I’ll be just fine.
.

Numb

You’re here but I don’t feel you
You seem like a passive thing going down the drain.
You’re near but I don’t see you
How numb of me to cause you all this pain…

You’re mine but am I yours?
How could you be so naive to close your eyes from what you should’ve seen?
I cannot give you all of what’s left of me
Still you give me all of you after all that has been.

How can I shut you out of my world when you’ve given me everything?
How dare I be so insensitive to fight whatever it is I’m feeling?
I’ve been hard as steel
I’ve now forgotten how to love
I’ve forgotten how to feel.

I closed my heart from any possibility of falling again
I know it’s crazy, I know it’s dumb
I wanna learn to love again, I wanna learn to love you
But I’ve been numb, oh so numb…

A Hurtful Past

You are a hurtful past
And you are nothing but past tense
Hidden in the darkest corner of my being
What we are is past tense

You are a hurtful past
And I don’t mind leaving you behind
Thrown away in the deepest ocean of angst
All kept at the back of my mind

You are a hurtful past
And you deserve not any mercy
You’re everything i hate to love again
I’ll get back at you, you’ll see…

You are a hurtful past
And you should be long forgotten
Into the farthest of far
So naive to have been mistaken

You are a hurtful past
Yet I long to have you back
If i get hurt again, I don’t care
Still I long… I just long… ;c

Torn

Did you ever have to choose between SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO DO and SOMETHING YOU HAD TO?
Have you ever tried to choose between SOMEONE YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD and SOMEONE NEW?
Do you consider OTHERS or you consider ONLY YOU?

When you find yourself torn between NEW LOVE and OLD LOVE, how harder can it get?
You’ll only realize it’s much harder than it already is
You’ll only find out that with being in between, there’s no such thing as bliss…

For OLD LOVE BRINGS SECURITY while NEW LOVE BRINGS TRHILL
But there are things you can never hide… things you should never conceal…
Would you be so kind to GIVE YOUR HEART TO SOMEONE ELSE and SUSPEND THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN DREAMING OF?

BEING IN LOVE and STAYING IN LOVE are two different things
Oh, how life gets complicated with the things love brings!
Who said love’s that easy, anyway?
Who said love always has to stay?

CAN YOU TEACH ONE’S HEART TO LOVE or DOES LOVE JUST COME ALONG?
IS LOVE ALWAYS RIGHT or DOES IT SOMETIMES GO WRONG?
Does one have to stay in love with the same person in one’s lifetime?
Do you always have to stay in line?

Afterall, if you choose, you have to stick to that option
For no one ever appreciates regression
Nothing’s wrong and nothing’s right as long as you stand by your decision…

It is never easy trying to choose between THE ONE YOU TRULY LOVE and THE ONE YOU DON’T WANNA HURT
Eitherway you choose, you’re gunna break someone’s heart
Be it THEIRS or be it YOURS
Someone’s heart is gunna break, of course…

Momentary Bliss

There are certain
times in life when someone

comes the moment you least expected

— someone you least
expected.

You don’t even notice
at first until you recognize

how that particular
person turns your life around without knowing why.

All you know is that
things

are not in its normal being anymore.

Everything’s
upside-down and you can’t bring things back to normal

yet you’re still happy.

Then normal isn’t something you’re familiar of
anymore

because everyday becomes another story waiting
to be told.

Each story essential to the love story you
wish to have.

You look forward to
everyday for another moment with him

and even a mere eye contact would mean the
world to you.

Your heart beats
fastest when he’s near but beats slowest when he’s not.

You’re seeing things
from a different perspective

and life has turned the way it never did.

You dream of a lot of things.

Things that are sometimes far from reality.

Things that will make you fall harder even if
it fails.

Things that makes you all the more crazier
everytime.

And then you wake up and realize everything
with him is just temporary.

And that the bliss you find in him is just
momentary.

One minute you’re happy, next thing you know
you’re already falling apart.

You tend to deny the truth even if it’s right
under your nose.

You fight for feelings you shouldn’t be
feeling to start with.

You fall all the more
even with the slightest touch of his hand.

The mere sight of him
drives you crazy.

But at the end of the day,

momentary bliss will be nothing more than
momentary bliss.

It just passes you by
no matter how you try to hold it.

At the end of the day,

reality is reality.

It bites no matter
how you try to run away from it.

It haunts you.

So at the end of
everything,

you have no one but
yourself to blame

cuz you keep holding on to something
momentary.

Something that just passes you by.

Something that goes without any warning.

Now you’re wounded,

next thing you know
you’re bleeding.

What’s more,

it makes you die
inside.

And you wish that the
pain is just as momentary.

But it never happens.

Pain is pain.

It kills your heart.

Kills your being.

I just died.

And waiting to be
reborn.

Waiting…

Still waiting…

When will the waiting
end?

I don’t care.

I’ll still be waiting nevertheless.

Please come sooner
before my hope dies.

If it does, I’ll never be able to love again.

Then I’ll be losing that one thing I’ve been
holding on to.

So come sooner.

My time is running
out…

I Fell Again... HELP!

For the nth time I fell for someone I shouldn’t fall for. I fell for someone even with the knowledge that it’s not gunna lead anywhere. The GAGA MODE is on again!!!

Who knows when this temporary insanity will last? A day, a week, a month or two? Who knows?! I wish I do. I wish it’s just as easy to turn this gaga mode off than it is to turn it on… I wish it can’t even be turned on in the first place! Cuz when I’m in my gaga mode, even I cannot understand what is going on inside of me. And that’s when I reach the optimum level of
craziness I have in me.

I become dull, I become unintelligent, I make unwise decisions, and I feel inappropriate feelings. It’s what you call kagagahan at its best. Or is it worst?? I don’t even know if it’s worth it. I don’t even know if it’s right. But hey this is how I feel and no one can judge me for feeling this! Because when I start feeling things there’s usually no turning back.

I feel things I’m not supposed to feel but I still feel them anyway. I just feel it and it almost always hit me hard. I’ve always been hit silently but I’ve never been hit in a gradual sense. It’s always in its extreme.

Sometimes I wonder, how many times more do I have to be hit before I finally hit the bullseye? I’m not in anyway rushing. But I sometimes wish I’d stop falling, stop dreaming, stop yearning, stop feeling things for the wrong person.

Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense at all. Sometimes it just seems stupid. When do you actually realize you’ve fallen for the wrong person? When it begins to hurt? But don’t they say love is supposed to hurt when you’re doing it the right way? Now I’m confused. I won’t even try to understand it now cuz the last thing I’d want for now is to decipher love. I’d rather get over this feeling first.

So if anyone out there knows how I can just forget I ever felt this, please hit me back. I’m badly in need of help!

Towards the Shore

There are certain times I’d rather keep my silence instead of giving the usual update I give everyone. As they say, as one grows older, one grows wiser. And I believe I’ve grown wiser over time.

I know better now than just spill everything to everyone who just wants to know but does not really care at all. Yes, I’m loud. Yes, I’m brutally honest. But this is one of the rare times I’m keeping my mouth shut. Because I wanna be able to get up from this failed relationship on my own without hearing other people’s concerns out. ‘Cause this is MY relationship and this is MY life. Only I know what can make me happy. And it does not in any way include what others think will. And so I could just care less what other people perceive. ‘Cause at the end of the day, only my feelings matter. No one else knows how I truly feel but me. So they can spare their litanies of relationship do’s and don’ts cause they too have their own relationships to fix. And so people can say how sayang the relationship is but only I know what’s right for me in times like this. And in this case, staying in a relationship that no longer makes me happy is nothing more than emotional suicide. One I’d rather not have.

As I’ve always been saying, why drown yourself with the other person when you can swim towards the shore and save yourself? And it truly makes sense, at least for me. I know for a fact some people think it’s best I hold on and give it another try for old time’s sake. Yes, two years is two years but I don’t believe it’s about how long you’ve been together. It makes no sense at all, holding on just to count the years which may be empty and thus, making it useless. I’d rather be alone and have peace than be in a relationship that’s just not working just to keep others’ mouths shut and for skeptics to to just let me be. I’ve never been a fan of pleasing others. Never been, never will be. And so I don’t think that forcing a relationship to work because of pity will work for me even if my life depends on it. Not in a million years.

In fairness to him, he’s always been at my beck and call. Even at times I don’t call at all. But as we grow, we acquire different needs. And maybe the “needing” isn’t what I need after all. And this is where the “sometimes love just isn’t enough” part comes in. more often than not, letting go and letting be is the best way to love. ‘Cause that’s where and when we figure out if we’d still go back to the person even if we have the world’s best in our hands and vice versa. And sometimes we realize that even if we love the person too much, we just can’t force things to work out the way we want it to. ‘Cause what is not bound to work will never work no matter how hard we pray for it.

Sometimes loving a person to the very last bits and pieces of you just isn’t the best thing to do. You have to be loving yourself more. You can never give what you don’t have so you can never say you love the person too much that nothing’s left for you anymore. It’s just not right. In my case, he gave me too much of everything and it’s only drowning me, which is why I have to swim to the shore and save myself. Emotionally, it’s never easy to end things. I’m never good at it. I always chicken out. But this time, I have firm convictions because I know this is what’s best for the both of us. It’s best to put a stop at things while there’s still a little respect left. ‘Cause when we wait for the time when everything has gone down the drain, things’ll only be at its utter worst.

The only thing that bugs me now is the fact that I can’t offer even friendship AT THE MOMENT. For the mere fact that I can only offer it if and only if it’s the only thing he’ll be asking from me. Meanwhile, he has to heal first. I have no tears to cry so I’ve no tears to dry and more so, no wounds to heal. ‘Cause the only thing that wounds us in a failed relationship are the words left unspoken and deeds left undone. I have none. So for the first time, I’m leaving a relationship with the whole of me. I’m not proud to be in another failed relationship. But it happens. It’s reality. This is the real world. It’s just a cycle of loving, getting hurt, getting over, and loving again. If we think of it, it’s that simple. But given the situation, it’s really not. But I always believed that it’s just a state of mind. Sadness is just an option. Happiness is always a choice. I choose to be happy, therefore I am. No hang ups, no qualms. Just happy. I choose to be. So I am.

I Belong!

Everyone always has a say on everything. You can’t please everybody, so they say. I find it difficult for me to please everybody. I don’t even try, to say the least. It makes me wonder when people say I changed. It makes me think, did I really change or did I just stop doing the things they want me to? No, really… It makes me really wonder. It happens most of the time… to anyone.. to everyone.. Sometimes you just feel it’s hard to be happy when others expect something else from what you want for yourself. But really.. Does that really matter? Or do you just have to stand up for what you think is right for you? Cuz at the end of the day, it’s still your life, not theirs. So why waste a lot of time trying to reach just everybody’s expectations when you don’t have to?

Well, yes, we all need to have that sense of belongingness at some point. I don’t know with you but I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong people. Call me anything but I stand firm on this. Who wants to be with people you need to pretend to be someone else with? I’d rather have one great friend who scolds me when I’m bad than a so-called "best friend" who seems to agree with everything I say for reasons I don’t know. Where’s the best in that??

People always say best friends are the best enemies one can have. True. Cuz best friends, more often than not, agree on close to everything they say, share almost the same thoughts, and try so so hard not to fight to the point of not being normal. True friends on the other hand, argue a lot yet still agree on more important things. At the end of the day, they agree to disagree and respect the differences. A true friend does not hesitate to slap you when you need to be slapped. I’d appreciate a good slap when I need it. Even when I know I don’t need it.

It’s good to be with people who tell you the truth even when it hurts. Cuz only then will you learn life’s lessons. It’s good to be with people with whom you won’t even care even if your hair is super messy. Cuz only then will you know they don’t care about how you look like either. It’s good to be with people you can laugh with — laugh at yourself, laugh at them, laugh at anything! It’s good to be with people who don’t care if you’re not pleasant all the time — they don’t like you for being pleasant. They like you for being YOU.

It’s good to know I have these people to be with. This is for you. For accepting me even when I am not super good. For not hating me although I am not pleasant all the time. For telling me what I need to know even when I don’t need it. For laughing with me. And for arguing with me when it counts — and even when it doesn’t. Konting drama portion ni guys… But really, THANKS.ÜÜÜ

When I Met Contentment

Life for me is very relative. What’s right for me may not be right for others and vice versa. I used to dwell on things that I want, things that I don’t have. But I came to a realization that what I want I don’t necessarily get. Maybe there’s more in store for me. Cuz what i want may not be necessarily be good for me.

Through life’s journey I became acquainted with this thing called CONTENTMENT. And I’m glad I did. Cuz only then did I realize I can be truly happy even without the things I thought could make me happy. The truth is, they don’t! They are just part of life’s diversionary tactics. They are just the things we see that others have. They are just… well, THINGS!!! They diminish in time and by then, we’ll be looking for something else to make us, well, "happy".

It’s not bad to have ambitions. They are actually what drive us to strive harder. But it’s always better if we have balance. We must keep in mind that worldly possessions are just passing fancies. Just passing fancies… We must all be grateful for the things that we have and not dwell on the things we don’t. I know at some point in our lives we reach a moment where we all feel like we have to have that something for reasons we don’t know. And we put too much pressure on ourselves and others thinking we should get a hold of that something. Well, take a deeper breath and a thousand thoughts more and ask yourself WHY it will make you happy. Chances are, the answer is because others have it too or just to keep up with the trend and such. And you really should be thinking about it again. And stop convincing yourself it will make you really happy because it won’t. At least in the real essence of the word. Cuz, really… You’ll only end up wanting more. Cuz afterall, we can’t have everything we want — which may be never-ending. Come to think of it… Have you ever wondered when your wants will stop? The least we could do is make use and be happy with what we have than overlook EVERYthing for SOME things we have not.

When I met contentment, my load became lighter. Cuz only then did I see how blest I truly am. I figured, I may not have everything I want but God provides for everything I need. And more! What I want may not be what God gives but that doesn’t keep me from being happy. All the more, it makes me feel secured knowing God does not give me what’s not good for me. Moreover, I figured I have more than a lot to be grateful for. Cuz I may not have everything but I know i definitely have more…

8's On My List

People see people on different levels. That impression most of the time becomes the basis of how they perceive who they see, who they know, who they hear from others. And so it wouldn’t come to me as a surprise if I seem this way but is totally otherwise in fact. But I wouldn’t care a lot about it NOW. I would’ve back then. But definitely not now. It may bug me at times but maybe of sheer want and need to be left alone and let be. And with all that said, I’d like to give everyone a sneak peek of eight things you may not know about, things that you already know but does not entirely notice, the things that transpired to me over time, or simply the things you refused to see and believe. Here are the 8s On My List…

• I am a Reformed Christian. Yes, I am. And I’m so so proud of it. This became an inside joke before knowing i sometimes go home at the crack of dawn just to sleep an hour or so and wake up and go to church still groggy and all or does not go home at all and goes directly to church straight from an all night’s party that i would usually refer myself as the only ngarag Christian there is. But friends, on the other hand, would prefer to see it in a different outlook: they see me as the most faithful partygurl. And i do take it as a compliment knowing faith is a whole lot more important to me than most people think.
• I sleep and eat a lot. It’s just not obvious. HAHA! I’m such a pig that people often wonder where everything i devour goes to.
• I don’t talk as much anymore. Yes. Unlike before, I’d rather keep a lot of things to myself now. I’m living one helluva life. I don’t think i have to spell it out for everyone.
• I’m wiser now. I’m not getting any younger. Well, who is? I may not be looking any older but I’m pretty sure I’m getting more mature by the minute.
• I don’t believe in against all odds anymore. As I said, I’ve grown wiser. There’s more to it than drowning yourself with the person when you know you can just swim across the shore and save yourself.
• I believe everything in life is relative. So i don’t go pleasing everyone. I know I just can’t. I never will. So i won’t.
• I’m happy to be apart from the world that used to revolve around me. I love my new life. No people prying in on what-nots and all the things that are totally not their business. I love the air of freedom. Of peace. Apart from the rest…
• Dreams. A lot of things occur to me when I’m asleep. I, too, find it weird. But usually wake up in the middle of the night with things going in on my head. Things i should know, things i should remember, things that just wake me up. To reality. And however weird it gets, it helps a lot of reality check for me cuz the things that occur to me when I’m asleep are things that are actually about to happen, or has happened without me knowing face-front. Can I get any more weirder?

There are actually a lot more than eight but since I’m calling this 8s On My List then i guess i hafta stick to eight. But surely I’ll give an update if any is up. As if anyone would care. i don’t, either. But I’m in the mood for writing. Isn’t that what blogs are for?

Ironic

I shouldn’t love you but i do
I should forget you but i can’t
I should’ve let you you go but you kept staying right here
I shouldn’t hurt and cry but my heart is bleeding with so much pain

I tried denying the pain but it tracks me down almost always
I wanna be mad at you to hate you but i’m loving you all the more
I don’t wanna see you to forget you but i have to see you cuz i keep on loving you
I wanna bury you in my past but you keep on growing in my heart

Where’s the sense in denying love when it shows everytime?
What’s the use of moving on if it means not having you in my life?
Why should there be "hi" when it always ends with "goodbye"?
Where’s the good in happy endings when there’s no "me and you"?

Sometimes love just sucks but we keep on loving anyway
And at times it hurts twice as much yet the only remedy is loving the same person
over and over again
Love always leaves us dumbfounded we seem oblivious to a lot of things
Still, love’s ironies make us wanna stay and fall over and over and over again till it hurts no more.

Forgive Myself

The first thing that comes to mind when we talk of forgiveness is the hurt that has been caused by others. We most of the time dwell on the things others have done that inflicted us pain and how it brought gaps that may or may not be bridged anymore. If someone so close to us does something which may not necessarily be wrong but somehow contrary to what we feel is right then it might cost us relationships and friendships. It may hurt us so much that it may take years before we truly heal. Or it may also be because of pride that it takes long before we can actually forgive. Or be forgiven, for that matter. It may be caused by so many reasons at so many instances. We sometimes even are the ones who caused others pain and are too proud to ask for forgiveness. Or are too proud to forgive. It happens all the time. But has it ever occurred to you that we cause pain to ourselves and have to forgive ourselves also? We dwell on so many things others have inflicted us that we more often than not neglect the pain we give to ourselves. And just as we have to forgive others, forgiveness of oneself is just as important. More important, even. Because forgiveness starts with oneself, right? Now how can we forgive others for causing us pain when we cannot forgive our very own selves for the very same hurts? HOW?? I know this is getting more complex. But it’s actually simpler than you all think. All we have to do is acknowledge the fact that we do hurt… And that we hurt because of the things that we’ve done and the things that we do. To ourselves and to others alike. We may not often think of this but let’s face it. We get hurt by certain things we do but chances are, we blame others for it. These are those times when we are too blinded with pride to admit that we are wrong and we need to be corrected. I mean admit it, we do that all the time! We may not see it at present but these hurts pile up somewhere in our being and will haunt us some time in our lives.

Are we all too insensitive to just ignore it or are we just too proud to even acknowledge it? Whatever the case we just have to get over the thought that we are all too good not to have done it some time in the past. We may even be doing it tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or sometime in the future. Who knows? We may even be doing it unintentionally. But somehow, the moment we feel even a lil pang of guilt or anything that resembles it, we must try thinking things over. And over. And over… And for once be objective about things. And open our hearts to the fact that the hurt that we brought into another’s lives needs acknowledgment. And once you’ve acknowledged it, APOLOGIZE. Or if it’s the other way around, FORGIVE. Because when others hurt you and you don’t forgive them, you’ll carry the burden for the rest of your life. Then your pain will be twice as much by then.

Okay, okay, I admit. It may not be that simple after all! I must do a lot of forgiving myself.. to myself and to others who caused me nothing but pain. I know I hafta face them anytime soon. But forgiveness is a process, right? It does not happen overnight. So I must heal my wounds first and forgive myself for every lil pain I caused myself before I can finally let go of all the burdens that was brought into my life.

This is just so surreal. So so surreal for me. Cuz I know that everytime I hurt because of others, I know I’ve done more to hurt myself.

Now I know I must go through all the process. I know I’ll never be able to forget all of this, unless I’d have amnesia. Which sometimes I’d rather have. But then again, I’m such a happy person. I know I’m blessed with so much more than I deserve. But I won’t even try to pretend I’ve forgiven even if I haven’t. Not a bit. I’m not very good at pretending. But I’ve every intention of forgiving. I will never be able to forget everything and I won’t even try.

But just as God has forgiven every single one of us for whatever we may have done and are about to do that put Christ on the cross, I know I will, if I may, FORGIVE. Not only others but myself as well. And I’m praying I’d be able to do that before time runs out. Life is too short to dwell on grudges. I have a handful of ‘em myself and I don’t have any intention of keeping it for life. But again, forgiveness is a process… And I’m going through it myself. Will I take long? I pray not. Cuz life is just too precious to be wasted. And I wouldn’t want that for my life. So I’m going through this process. A very long process… It may take some time but I am determined to get there. I want to. I need to. And I know in time I will. And I’ll be waiting till I get there. No matter how long it takes… I”ll get there. I surely will.