Sober

The past weeks have been more than a crazy roller coaster ride for me. Everything seems absurd and there’s not anything or anyone that can put sense into this irrational brain of mine. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seems to pacify me from my self-inflicted lunacy. My recurring temporary insanity is on its way to being permanent. Haha! And to top it all, I seem to lose the strength to fight things that used to be so bearable to me.

Okay, Okay… I can actually hear my friends saying, “I told you”, “you should’ve seen it coming”, “you know way better”, and more of those reproaches. I actually told myself all of those long before they actually knew that I was falling apart!

I’ve had more sleepless nights than they knew, more crying moments than I truthfully revealed, and a lot more gaga instances than I would want to expose.

I know I’m hardheaded. I do things I want to and I stick to it even when the whole world tells me otherwise.All my friends can attest to that. :)) And I’m not ashamed to admit that I, the strong Sheng everyone knows, have my gaga side that no one seems to expect. And I’m honest enough to confess that I cried over things that I shouldn’t be crying over, to start with.

So, here you go guys… You now know that I, the tough Sheng you all know, crumble over a heartbreak that was inevitable. Was I blind? Or was I just hopeful? HAHA!

I tried all the diversions I can think of. I cried all the tears I never thought I have. Heck, I could’ve been dehydrated for Pete’s sake! More than that, I tormented myself, tested my threshold, and prayed as hard as I can the best way I can. All to no avail.

The hardest times for me were those moments when I’m about to get some decent possible sleep and the moment I wake up to see the daylight. The former because it’s when all the unwanted thoughts come in, the latter because I know it’s going be another day I’m super struggling to survive. Every waking moment is emotional suicide because everything I do, everywhere I go, every little thing I see reminds me of what I’m trying so hard not to remember. Still, even in my sleep, emotional suicide seems to follow. My dreams were all about what I was trying to run away from. Sleep used to be my greatest alliance when I want to run away from the world’s pains and hurts. But the past weeks, I have no escape. What more torture can you ask for?

My nightmare always found its way to me the harder I try to hide myself from it. I was wishing and praying and hoping for better days but my impractical mind seems to be wishing and praying and hoping for the wrong nuances of better days. My threshold seems to be far from sight, more so, out of reach. My tears seem bottomless, my heart still willing to take more pain than I should. It seems to have a mind of its own. Haha!

Again, the battle of mind and heart is on! And my soul is not only broken. It’s all shattered into pieces and I seem weak and tired and lazy and not wanting to pick it all up even one at a time. No matter how the sane part of me wants to stand up from the fall, the cynical part of me wants to stay this way. How gaga can I get? Yeah, yeah. I’m aware of that. Love does that to me everytime! C’mon guys, I was inlove! (take note of the WAS. hehe) And we all know that love strikes harder, deeper, stronger the more you try to turn it off!

How was I to know it was ending? How was I to know? Even the wisest, strongest, sanest person to ever exist will never be able to clearly know that. So there I was, making myself agonize and crying over spilled useless milk. I was a damsel in distress who wouldn’t want to be saved from my affliction.

Who can save me now? Everyone’s words of wisdom and comfort don’t seem to comfort me at all! They only seem to pass right through me. They never seem to sink in.

Again, who can save me now? After all the sleepless, miserable nights, I realized that my greatest adversary was MYSELF. After days and days of wallowing myself in torment, I beat myself out of my wits. I slowly dragged myself out of the dark cocoon I wrapped around myself and searched for even the smallest proportions of light. And light there was! I beat my own self. I won against my own self-inflicted suffering. I won against myself. Haha. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I know I am. At least I’m modest enough to admit that part of me.

So now I can answer my own question: Who can save me now? I can save my own self. And I did. I saved myself. I am my own hero. I decided to leave everything behind and I am happy about it. I TRULY AM. Just as what I was telling everyone, I’m back on my feet now. And I’m beyond doubt starting to live again. My sanguine self is on its way so guys, make way! Hehe.

And just like what i always say, “HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. SADNESS IS JUST AN OPTION. I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. SO I AM. NO HANG-UPS, NO REGRETS. JUST HAPPY”.

I become conscious of that again when I came across my past compositions. And then it hit me. It actually hit me hard. I knew all of this all along. I was just too busy being hurt to see it clearly. Sometimes it’s just hard to plainly see what’s outside the box when the only things you see are the four sides of the box.

So to all of my friends I used to reprimand for being gaga over someone they shouldn’t, now’s you’re chance to get back at me. Hehehe. Seriously, I’m super back on my feet now. And I assure you guys, no more gaga mode for me… FOR NOW! Haha. Till the next one comes along! Haha.

So to everyone who helped me get through my insanest moments, to everyone who patiently listened to my irksome ranting and raving, and to everyone who prayed for me, THANK YOU.

Now I know that all those burdensome days I was praying for the wrong things, hoping for the flawed coming true of wrong wishes, and holding on to the things I’m so much better off without. So now, I’m praying for the right things. I’m giving it all up to God. I‘m letting Him write the love story He knows is best for me. Now I have the right things in mind. I’m now letting everything go with an open heart and an open mind. At least now I won’t be going through a battle of the heart and mind for the nth time around.

Again, thank you everyone. (You know who you guys are). And, I’m back! For good…