Forgive Myself

The first thing that comes to mind when we talk of forgiveness is the hurt that has been caused by others. We most of the time dwell on the things others have done that inflicted us pain and how it brought gaps that may or may not be bridged anymore. If someone so close to us does something which may not necessarily be wrong but somehow contrary to what we feel is right then it might cost us relationships and friendships. It may hurt us so much that it may take years before we truly heal. Or it may also be because of pride that it takes long before we can actually forgive. Or be forgiven, for that matter. It may be caused by so many reasons at so many instances. We sometimes even are the ones who caused others pain and are too proud to ask for forgiveness. Or are too proud to forgive. It happens all the time. But has it ever occurred to you that we cause pain to ourselves and have to forgive ourselves also? We dwell on so many things others have inflicted us that we more often than not neglect the pain we give to ourselves. And just as we have to forgive others, forgiveness of oneself is just as important. More important, even. Because forgiveness starts with oneself, right? Now how can we forgive others for causing us pain when we cannot forgive our very own selves for the very same hurts? HOW?? I know this is getting more complex. But it’s actually simpler than you all think. All we have to do is acknowledge the fact that we do hurt… And that we hurt because of the things that we’ve done and the things that we do. To ourselves and to others alike. We may not often think of this but let’s face it. We get hurt by certain things we do but chances are, we blame others for it. These are those times when we are too blinded with pride to admit that we are wrong and we need to be corrected. I mean admit it, we do that all the time! We may not see it at present but these hurts pile up somewhere in our being and will haunt us some time in our lives.

Are we all too insensitive to just ignore it or are we just too proud to even acknowledge it? Whatever the case we just have to get over the thought that we are all too good not to have done it some time in the past. We may even be doing it tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or sometime in the future. Who knows? We may even be doing it unintentionally. But somehow, the moment we feel even a lil pang of guilt or anything that resembles it, we must try thinking things over. And over. And over… And for once be objective about things. And open our hearts to the fact that the hurt that we brought into another’s lives needs acknowledgment. And once you’ve acknowledged it, APOLOGIZE. Or if it’s the other way around, FORGIVE. Because when others hurt you and you don’t forgive them, you’ll carry the burden for the rest of your life. Then your pain will be twice as much by then.

Okay, okay, I admit. It may not be that simple after all! I must do a lot of forgiving myself.. to myself and to others who caused me nothing but pain. I know I hafta face them anytime soon. But forgiveness is a process, right? It does not happen overnight. So I must heal my wounds first and forgive myself for every lil pain I caused myself before I can finally let go of all the burdens that was brought into my life.

This is just so surreal. So so surreal for me. Cuz I know that everytime I hurt because of others, I know I’ve done more to hurt myself.

Now I know I must go through all the process. I know I’ll never be able to forget all of this, unless I’d have amnesia. Which sometimes I’d rather have. But then again, I’m such a happy person. I know I’m blessed with so much more than I deserve. But I won’t even try to pretend I’ve forgiven even if I haven’t. Not a bit. I’m not very good at pretending. But I’ve every intention of forgiving. I will never be able to forget everything and I won’t even try.

But just as God has forgiven every single one of us for whatever we may have done and are about to do that put Christ on the cross, I know I will, if I may, FORGIVE. Not only others but myself as well. And I’m praying I’d be able to do that before time runs out. Life is too short to dwell on grudges. I have a handful of ‘em myself and I don’t have any intention of keeping it for life. But again, forgiveness is a process… And I’m going through it myself. Will I take long? I pray not. Cuz life is just too precious to be wasted. And I wouldn’t want that for my life. So I’m going through this process. A very long process… It may take some time but I am determined to get there. I want to. I need to. And I know in time I will. And I’ll be waiting till I get there. No matter how long it takes… I”ll get there. I surely will.