I know better now than just spill everything to everyone who just wants to know but does not really care at all. Yes, I’m loud. Yes, I’m brutally honest. But this is one of the rare times I’m keeping my mouth shut. Because I wanna be able to get up from this failed relationship on my own without hearing other people’s concerns out. ‘Cause this is MY relationship and this is MY life. Only I know what can make me happy. And it does not in any way include what others think will. And so I could just care less what other people perceive. ‘Cause at the end of the day, only my feelings matter. No one else knows how I truly feel but me. So they can spare their litanies of relationship do’s and don’ts cause they too have their own relationships to fix. And so people can say how sayang the relationship is but only I know what’s right for me in times like this. And in this case, staying in a relationship that no longer makes me happy is nothing more than emotional suicide. One I’d rather not have.
As I’ve always been saying, why drown yourself with the other person when you can swim towards the shore and save yourself? And it truly makes sense, at least for me. I know for a fact some people think it’s best I hold on and give it another try for old time’s sake. Yes, two years is two years but I don’t believe it’s about how long you’ve been together. It makes no sense at all, holding on just to count the years which may be empty and thus, making it useless. I’d rather be alone and have peace than be in a relationship that’s just not working just to keep others’ mouths shut and for skeptics to to just let me be. I’ve never been a fan of pleasing others. Never been, never will be. And so I don’t think that forcing a relationship to work because of pity will work for me even if my life depends on it. Not in a million years.
In fairness to him, he’s always been at my beck and call. Even at times I don’t call at all. But as we grow, we acquire different needs. And maybe the “needing” isn’t what I need after all. And this is where the “sometimes love just isn’t enough” part comes in. more often than not, letting go and letting be is the best way to love. ‘Cause that’s where and when we figure out if we’d still go back to the person even if we have the world’s best in our hands and vice versa. And sometimes we realize that even if we love the person too much, we just can’t force things to work out the way we want it to. ‘Cause what is not bound to work will never work no matter how hard we pray for it.
Sometimes loving a person to the very last bits and pieces of you just isn’t the best thing to do. You have to be loving yourself more. You can never give what you don’t have so you can never say you love the person too much that nothing’s left for you anymore. It’s just not right. In my case, he gave me too much of everything and it’s only drowning me, which is why I have to swim to the shore and save myself. Emotionally, it’s never easy to end things. I’m never good at it. I always chicken out. But this time, I have firm convictions because I know this is what’s best for the both of us. It’s best to put a stop at things while there’s still a little respect left. ‘Cause when we wait for the time when everything has gone down the drain, things’ll only be at its utter worst.
The only thing that bugs me now is the fact that I can’t offer even friendship AT THE MOMENT. For the mere fact that I can only offer it if and only if it’s the only thing he’ll be asking from me. Meanwhile, he has to heal first. I have no tears to cry so I’ve no tears to dry and more so, no wounds to heal. ‘Cause the only thing that wounds us in a failed relationship are the words left unspoken and deeds left undone. I have none. So for the first time, I’m leaving a relationship with the whole of me. I’m not proud to be in another failed relationship. But it happens. It’s reality. This is the real world. It’s just a cycle of loving, getting hurt, getting over, and loving again. If we think of it, it’s that simple. But given the situation, it’s really not. But I always believed that it’s just a state of mind. Sadness is just an option. Happiness is always a choice. I choose to be happy, therefore I am. No hang ups, no qualms. Just happy. I choose to be. So I am.
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