More Than My Share of Gifts =)

One early morning days before Christmas, my mentor texted me and said she hopes I get my share of gifts. I thanked her and humbly said I got more than I ever thought I even deserve.

On Christmas Eve, I opened a lot of gifts. Each one reflected something in me and I appreciate how each giver knows my preferences and has taken the time to carefully choose each present. I opened each gift with excitement and appreciated all of them equally. These material gifts represent how the giver perceives me and I’m glad they know me well enough. I don’t have the means yet to reciprocate every material thing I received but from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU:

To Rodel for the cutee white purse,
To Jonas for the book and glow pops,
To Mader for the vintage necklace and bangles,
To Mommy for the necklaces,
To Daddy for the money,
To Dada, Tito Al, and Mommy Beng for the bag and mind games,
To Tita Dading for the rhinestone headband, and
To Moree for the chain headband.

Having said that, there still are a lot more gifts I would like to thank for. These are the gifts that fill up what the material gifts can’t. These are the gifts that cannot be measured but give me the most satiable feeling there is. These are the gifts that I know make the person that I am today. These are the gifts that money can’t buy. These are the gifts that I thank God endlessly for:

The gift of life. I may not get to live the best life in the world, I may not get to have everything I desire, waking up early in the morning may be a struggle for me more often than not, and I may even wish sometimes that I don’t wake up anymore at all but the fact that I still wake up to a new day brings hope for better tomorrows.

The gift of hope. Things may be at its utter worst at times and rain may bring gloom to our hearts as it does to our days but sunrise and rainbows always, always offer us the enlightenment that when there is darkness, there is light afterwards. We just have to hang on a little bit more and wait for the right time. Just as there is rainbow after every rain, there is sunrise after every sunset, a constant reminder that with every negative phenomenon comes something positive.

The gift of faith. This gift helps me get by every waking hour. It helps to know that Someone up there knows what’s going on down here even when we don’t.

The gift of love. It may be that one thing that makes the strongest weak, the wisest dumb, the happiest sad, but it also is that one thing that makes us smile despite all the chaos our hearts are going through. It is still that one thing that makes our world go ‘round, makes our heart beat a little faster than the usual, and gives us reasons to stay awake a little longer because reality is at long last better than our dreams.

The gift of fate. People may come and go even without our consent, they may enter and leave our lives without any warning, they may touch our hearts and hurt us just the same even when we don’t want them to and we may not understand right away why but beneath every footprint each person leaves behind is a lesson and a memory to be learned and to be cherished.

The gift of truth. That amid all the white lies, great lies, and alibis I still search for the truth no matter how brutal it can get. This is because I’d rather be hurt with what’s true than be loved and lied to.

The gift of friends. That despite all the diversities I still have people in my life who agree to disagree with me and respect my differences at the end of the day, that I do have people in my life who love me even during my ugliest, most dragging, and most unbearable personality.

The gift of family. I know I am not in constant agreement with my family. In fact, it is the other way around. We disagree on the smallest things, argue over the shallowest ideas, snap even when there is no apparent reason to but I am proud to say that when I need some backing up, I would never hesitate to call on them. This one here makes me very, very blessed. ÜÜÜ

And finally, the gift of writing. Something I will never trade for anything else in the world. Ever. As one writer puts it, “the day I stop writing is the day I die”. The same goes for me. For as long as I live, for as long as I feel, I shall write. There’s no stopping me. This is my greatest release and my greatest gift. I write when I’m sad, I write when I’m happy, I write when I’m mad. I write whenever I feel like it, I write when I'm bored. I write when I can’t sleep, I wake up in the middle of my sleep whenever something occurs to me that I need to write about. I write when I’m hurt, I write when I just can’t understand the world. And I feel better afterward. So to stop writing would mean I should stop breathing as well.

Being able to write all these gifts constantly remind me of how blessed a person I truly am. More than just those wrapped in the wrappings I tore, I know I’m more blessed with those I can’t unwrap but can share because these are the things I get to have and share every day of my life and not just receive on Christmas Day. So for me to humbly say that I am blessed with so much more than I ever asked for would be an understatement because my cup is not only full to its brim, it overflows.

Have a blessed 2010 everyone!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

As the year is almost coming to an end, I think about the touching moments of my 2009. My year may not have been how I hoped it would be but I wouldn't have it any other way because this year is, so far, the most moving year for me. What with the many discoveries, lessons learned the hardest way, and realizations that occurred during all of the 300 and 65 days of 2009. Though it has been the most tragic, nerve-wracking year for me, I'd still say I'm gifted with knowing who stayed real, who's just there because it was fun, and who left because the fun part's over. Nevertheless, for the never-ending blessings the Lord has showered me with, I am one blessed dudette!=)

So as I bid farewell to 2009, I do so to the following as well:

• the heartaches and pains of a love gone awry


• the pretensions of false friendships


• the holding on to the wrong things and


• the trying to fix what can no longer be put back together in one piece

And while I close those doors, I also open my heart to knowing that:

• there is a Superior Being up there who sees and hears all things down here


• faith can move mountains if we just let it


• I am blessed with the people who remained true regardless of how ugly things can be


• love still makes one's world go 'round


• at the end of the day, there's still no greater feeling than the love of family and


• no matter how elusive it may be for some, serendipity still exists

With that, I say thank you to everyone who touched my life this year, most especially to:

• Amor- for the unfailing friendship that we have, for being there even during wee hours just to comfort me from all of life's diversions


• Thamer- for knowing the worst but seeing the best in me at all times. This also goes out to Badet, Rodel, Rankine, Badai, Marvin, Ernelie, Janice, Joyce Mae, Easter, Janice, Jonas, Richie and Eul.


• Mommy Liz- for the love that's shared even when we're oceans apart


• Ita- for the comfort you bring despite the distance


• Yayo- for being my soulmate, my blessing


• Ma'am Juvy- for being my mentor and friend. Your insights have inspired me more than you know.


• Aiai- for being my BFF slash partner-in-crime


• Arlen- for bringing me closer to God. For that, you're my angel


• Boobie- for being my mirror of the ugly truths and for telling me that without hurting my feelings. Your text messages never fail to cheer me up. I'll always be you Grade 5, gang!


• Ate Jan- for simply being my ate. You just don't know the comfort it brings. Love you te!


• Rosee- you may not know it but those conversations we have create some sort of relief. And for that, thanks a lot!

Here's a toast to better tomorrows and brighter dreams! And another one to the gift of real friendships, both old and new, for staying true to the word even at the direst times and for making the experience worth the roller coaster ride. Here's to a lot more!

As we say goodbye to broken dreams, unfulfilled promises, failed relationships, and unfinished businesses, let's say hello and welcome hope, love, and faith back into our lives and welcome the new year with a bigger bang than we did last year.

But most especially, here's to God Almighty for:

• being my fortress every second of the day


• guiding and guarding my heart


• blessing me with so much more than I thought I deserve


• the gift of life, love, friends, family, for the gift of hope, the gift of faith, and the gift of fate


• the gift of being a blessing to others


• taking control of my life


• taking me out of my misery and


• surrounding me with wonderful, wonderful people

I don't know what lies ahead and sometimes the coming of the unknown scares me. But thinking of how blessed I've always been makes me think I'm prepared to face whatever comes whenever it comes. So to everyone who touched my life in 2009, THANK YOU. Here's to hoping 2010 will be a blessed year for each one of us!

** Happy Holidays!**

13 December 2009

It's Complicated

Single. In a relationship. Married. It's complicated.

The first time I read the last status around 7 years ago, it made me wonder how it ever became part of the choices of one's relationship status. Ideally, when one is in a relationship, one is in that relationship no matter how complicated that relationship is. Otherwise, one is single, no questions asked. I then said to myself, I'll never be in an "it's complicated" status. Ever. So for years, I'm either single or in a relationship.

Fast forward to the present, I now understand why in the world such status exists.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

In a world where it gets easier to break the heart of the one you're with, the heart of another, or any heart for that matter, relationships really get complicated even without your consent. Relationships get harder to define and the phrase "we're just friends" became the most overrated phrase next to "I love you". "I love you" became easier to say even to the one you're not officially with. Times are indeed changing and what used to be simple and defined becomes complex and amorphous. Is it just because of the rapid influx of technology or is just because we allow it to be? Maybe a little of both, maybe not.

So how does one define an "it's complicated" status? Allow me to present to you a few scenarios.

SCENARIO A: Girl meets Boy, one gets fascinated with the other, both fell in love over time, and can't seem to get enough of each other. Sounds sweet, right? But just like any other relationship, there's always a drawback. And drawback this couple have... One of them is committed to another. Relationship status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO B: Girl is in a relationship but wants out. Boyfriend wants to stay, does not give Girl the freedom she's dying to have. Girl considers herself single, Boyfriend's relationship status is still "in a relationship". Girl meets other boys, Boyfriend gets jealous but can't do anything about it. Relationship status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO C: Girl and Boy breaks up, moved on with their lives, commit themselves to another. Both are happy with the people they're with, or so they thought. Just when they thought everything has fallen into place, some twist of fate drew them back to each other. They saw each other somewhere, eyes met, old flame rekindled. Boy is already engaged but wants to be with the Girl. Boy is willing to break up with fiancee, Girl not wanting him to do it. Girl and Boy secretly meets up several times after that. The verdict? IT'S COMPLICATED.

SCENARIO D: Girl and Boy call each other bestfriends. Girl is secretly in love with Boy, Boy treats her like a girlfriend. BUT... so does a couple of other girls! Girl hopes Boy might realize one day soon, Boy is either taking advantage of Girl's undying love or is just oblivious of what Girl feels. Girl waits, Boy plays around. Status? IT'S COMPLICATED.

The given scenarios are only a tiny fraction of the many out there. But these are the most common, most happening, most familiar. There are actually hundreds other more.

Normally, it's easy for us to tell friends to just get the hell out of the sitch and be with someone they deserve better. But we all know how it goes... Either they refuse to listen or listen without actually listening. It's sometimes simple for us to just think people who allow themselves to be caught up in such are either masochists or are just plain dim-wits. But when we really think about it, emotional attachment is something no one's an expert of. Even the strongest loses his strength, the wisest becomes dumb.

No one wants a complicated relationship status. No one wants to be with someone he can't call his own. Given that, why do people still allow themselves to be in such circumstance? Simply because emotions are not as easy to turn off as one does to a switch. The emotional struggle is not that easy to discharge. And so, it takes a lot to actually finally be able to stand firm and bid farewell to "it's complicated" and finally switch to the "single" status. Or sometimes, the hopeful in us makes us want to wait a little longer until we can at last turn our status to "in a relationship".

This happens to not only a few but to many of us. Right this moment, I know of several people who consider their status "it's complicated". Bits and pieces of the above-described scenarios are part of my story. Which complicated story is yours? *wink*

1 December 2009

Pain as a Gift

Having had happier, way better days the past months, I've been thinking about nothing less than happy thoughts. Been writing 'bout them, too. I miss writing and that's probably why I've written several notes given several thesis-free weeks. Making the most of the time is more like it. And if I were to be given more time before thesis starts, I'd gladly write some more. But since this is officially my last thesis-free weekend, I've been wanting to write one last note before the schedules get all tight and hectic. So there... I've been thinking of what to write about before I take a leave from my stress reliever. There's something I would've wanted to really write about but I'm not sure I'm ready to share it in detail to all of you so I'm gunna have to crush that one out until further notice. Now that leaves me hanging still... What to write about? Been literally staring at the ceiling waiting for thoughts to arrive. Having had lots of free time after class and still no thesis to write, I also have lots of time to be idle, bum around, and literally do nothing but think about more stuff than I would want to think of. Then out of the blue, another light bulb moment of mine occurred as I saw my favorite book, Where is God When it Hurts?. I suddenly know what to write about... something I haven't written about lately... PAIN.

A month before my break-up from the last serious relationship that I had, I coincidentally bought the book as a Christmas present for myself as if I already know I’d be needing it. I haven't read it until after the break-up because I was looking for answers, explanations, rationalizations, and whatever enlightenment I can find. Having read the entire book, I found more than what I was searching for. I had more answers than I needed and it gave me more enlightenment than I would’ve wanted. It opened not only my eyes to a lot more things but my heart as well. I cannot tell you every detail of what I read cuz I can’t present it like Philip Yancey can but if there’s one thing I learned by heart, it’s this: pain is a gift. Yes, you read that right. IT IS A GIFT.


However useless we find pain to be, we can’t turn it off no matter how desperately we want to. It’s not a curse like what we all think.

God wouldn’t have given all of us pain if it is. Instead, He wants us to know that it is a warning system we should all make use of. Just as it hurts our fingers to touch boiling water, it will also hurt if we do something we’re not supposed to. So when it starts to hurt, we should start using that warning system that asks us to look deeply into the things that we are doing that causes our hurts and pains… things we shouldn’t be doing, things we should stop doing. It’s hard to explain it in layman’s term but I guess you all get the drift. On the other hand, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the moment we feel pain, we are the ones who caused it. Sometimes it is caused by external factors like others' insensitivity, neglect, or just plain disregard for others’ well being.

Think of the lepers and how important pain is to them. Lepers are unable to feel even a slightest sense of pain, causing them to injure themselves without them knowing. They can cut their fingers off and not even be aware of it because, again, their nerve cells don’t send off warning to their brains. Just as there is no surgery, no procedure, no implant that can remove pain from a person’s system, nothing can embed it into a system either. Pain is but a natural way of telling our body that something isn’t going right. Thus, we get warned of what it might cause us and will serve as a defense mechanism.

Because of this book, I was able to see pain in a whole new and different viewpoint. I no longer think of it as a blight that should be avoided. Instead, it’s something we all should embrace because it’s God’s way of warning us that an intervention needs to be done, whatever it is, whether physical or emotional.

We all get hurt at some point in our lives and as much as we can, we will surely dispel it because for us, pain spells s-u-f-f-e-r-i-n-g. But think of the lepers once again and remember that their suffering is not caused by pain but by the sheer lack of it. Surely it’s an entirely different story but it only tells us one thing: pain does not signify misery. It, on the contrary, tells us to step out of it.

Since pain is all natural, there is no way we can ever stop it from happening. It will occur when it should even when we’re not ready for it. But instead of treating it as an affliction, we should consider it as a blessing that allows us to evaluate what is happening and avoid what should be avoided. Consider it as an eye-opener, an alarm, a signal… It's high time we see pain as a blessing and not a curse. =)

14 November 2009

When to Never Say Never

A good friend has been asking me to try something I know I just can’t. (Clear your minds, people… It ain’t drugs. HEHE). It’s something that would only stay between us until who knows when. I’ve been declining to give in for the longest time though we both know there’s something that MIGHT lead to greater things... things we dare not talk about. Because of this, that same friend asked me to listen to The Fray’s Never Say Never.

Indeed, there are things we don’t talk about but that doesn’t mean we don’t know they’re there. We know they are. It’s just that it’ll only make what we are complicated, which we’d rather not happen. Or shall I say, I’d rather not happen. So I’d rather not talk about it. FOR NOW.

We’ve been friends for the longest time and things are cool as they are. So to take that one step I’ve been trying to avoid is one thing I’m still not ready for. It doesn’t mean I don’t wanna try. Or that I don’t want it at all. I just know it’s not right at the moment, thus, the song Never Say Never.

For a time, I tried to shut out what it was trying to tell me. Not that I’m open to it now. But at least I know that in due time, when things are right, I will be. Because of that, I asked myself the question “when should I never say never?” . And after a few days I came up with the following:

1. When you know you’d go for it GIVEN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES,
2. When you want it badly but are just holding back because of the fear of what others might say,
3. When you know you’d go for it the moment you know it’s right,
4. When you are just waiting for the right timing,
5. When you know it’s one thing that will make you extremely happy,
6. When you’re willing to meet someone halfway,
7. When you know you’re willing to do what it takes to get what will make you happiest,
8. When you still can take more pain in hope of better days,
9. When you’ve been waiting and still can wait some more, and/or
10. When you’re going for the right things, for the right reasons.

Whichever I can relate to from any of the above, I dare not say. I don’t wanna open doors to confusion which will eventually be a symptom of what we call complication... something I find synonymous to heartbreak.

Whatever that good friend has been asking me, I never answered with a NEVER. Not even with a YES or a NO. It was more like a NOT NOW. Because more than just wanting to nurture something that has been in existence for quite a time already, I’d rather be a great friend and do what’s right than go and take the risk and ruin everything else.

Wherever this leads to, I have no control of. As of now, I choose to be a real friend and do what will be for everybody’s good.

It’s not easy. Trust me… It gets awkward at times. But I don’t let it get to me because I know in time, that friend will thank me for standing firm on my decision. In time, that good friend will understand. ;)

11 November 2009

Meeting Halfway

The other night, a good friend asked me something that made me think deeply. Is marriage worth it? Are the sacrifices one makes for the other's happiness enough to stay married? It took me a while to send him my reply. I want to give him an answer that can actually help. So I asked myself the same question. Are the sacrifices one makes for the other's happiness enough to keep a marriage? Or any relationship for that matter? The question left me dumbfounded for a few minutes as I stare at my phone. Then came my reply.

Only he can answer that for himself. Whatever is happening to him and his marriage, only the both of them know the whole of it. Her story may be different from his but if they put it together, that makes their story whole.

How far can your commitment go? Only you can answer that. It varies with one's definition of commitment, too.I'm no expert on relationships. At an early age, I've fallen way too many times than I planned or wanted. But this I know: if I give myself, it's all or nothing. No in betweens. It's hard for me to know when enough is enough. It bewilders me everytime. So to answer another's relationship predicaments may not be a thing meant for me cuz I, too, am experiencing some of my own.

How one deals with his relationship dilemmas is very relative. Sure, one tires along the way. One grows weary and cumbersome as kilig moments turn dull and everything else turns into a routine. But one can't expect for everything to be magical every second, can one? Magical moments soon turn into reality and this is where true love and commitment is measured. Ideally, love is supposed to make us happy all the time. But in reality, love goes through a point when holding on is hard as hell because things are not as magical as it once was. It's just a phase, however. Something everybody goes through. It's just a matter of handling it. That's how we all differ. Once you get out of that phase with your relationship still alive, it'll only make the relationship stronger.

This is to say that communication is the key to EVERY relationship whether romantic or just platonic. Otherwise, you'll just keep on guessing what the other is thinking. On the contrary, communication has always been guys' dilemma. They refuse to say what's on their minds for various reasons only they can understand. There are times when you're poles apart as to which direction to take, whose need is to be addressed first. But you don't always have to be in the same direction, do you? Sometimes it's more important to meet halfway. Sometimes, one will just give in to the other's wishes just to close the case, end an argument, and call it a day, even when it denies you of what will make you happy. Well that's not always how it's supposed to be and we all know it. We can't make other people happy if we're not happy. Sometimes we forget that it also is important to make ourselves happy. Maybe this is when we should start resetting our priorities. Cuz no matter how strong we think we are, we will always reach the end of our threshold.

That same question suddenly made me evaluate my current status. Everyone who knows me knows quite well that I am very open and straightforward. Communication on my part is not an issue. However, communication doesn't work on a one-way street. No matter how open a person is, a response is always needed. One can't always keep guessing what the other wants, feels, needs... And one shouldn't let the other keep guessing or give in to his wishes. As with any relationship, channels must be open both ways. Otherwise, no issue can be solved. It may not be visible on the surface but it will always be kept inside like a dormant volcano. Silent on the outside but waiting to erupt on only God knows when. It's always easier said than done, I know. There really are people who find it hard to express how they feel, what they want, how they want things to be. How easy is it to admit one's fears, one's insecurities, one's doubts? No one's an expert on that. Still, it must not be kept for life.

At one point, we all need to let it all out, find some sort of relief... But the question stands still.Are the sacrifices one makes for the other's happiness enough to keep a relationship? Well if I am to answer that for anyone, as martyr as I am, I'd say yes. I'd take all of what I need to take (and even those I don't) just to make the other happy. When I commit myself to someone, it's always all or nothing. No in betweens. Just black or white. No shades of gray. Still, no matter how far from sight the end of my threshold is, there is still an end. So I might need someone who understands that no matter how strong I am, I do feel weak at certain times, too. I don't need someone who'd say yes to all of my heart's desires. Just someone willing to meet me halfway. I think the same goes for any relationship. It's inevitable that you don't get to agree on things all the time. But if you agree to disagree and respect each other's differences, at the end of the day, things will be just fine.

Nothing's more perfect than having someone who sees beyond your imperfections, your flaws, and foibles. That beats all the notion of perfect relationships. And if one is sensitive enough, one won't wait for the other to ask him to meet halfway. Cuz if one is sensitive enough, he'll be on his way without him being asked. So how do I know all these, you might ask? Well I've been into a roller coaster of emotions just to get to where I'm at. Now I know way better than just pray for my heart's wishes to come true. I find it more important to pray for the other's fulfillment of dreams. Martyr much? I told you so... *wink*

4 November 2009

Knowing is Better than Wondering

I've never been an avid viewer of Grey's Anatomy. But I must say that I am an avid reader of Meredith Grey's quotable quotes. And here's one of those I've read that caught my attention. =)

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."


This goes out to those who would rather wonder than try, those who would rather deny oneself of what could've been beautiful because they're too afraid of what it might turn out to be, and most especially to those who let time pass them by in hope of a more perfect moment than the present. Truth is, today is just as perfect as it can be tomorrow. More perfect even. And you might not realize it for now but you may be among those who are watching what could've been the most beautiful thing pass you by because you are too afraid to try today.

Don't let time pass you by cuz most likely than not, it might not come again. As it has been said, knowing is better than wondering. Don't spend your tomorrows wondering what yesterday could've been had you only made that first step that leads to making your dreams happen. The happiest of people come from those who tried and not from those who spent their nights thinking of what-could've-beens and what-ifs. Never be afraid to try cuz you never know what's waiting for you.Ü

ShengoyÜ

3 November 2009

The Wonders of Waiting

To stop and wait for the right time. It's one of the things I find the hardest doing. I've always been the "right now" type. I go for whatever I want whenever I want regardless of the consequences, regardless if the whole world thinks otherwise. I go for whatever I want the moment I know I want it. I find no sense putting it off to another time when I can spend more time enjoying it if I go for it right away. I don't see the logic in delaying it and wasting time not having it when I know I'll go for it later anyway.

I used to think it's the same story but without the waste of time. I used to believe it's the way I'm gunna be 'til time goes by cuz it's how I've always been. Add a "take it or leave it" attitude and imagine how crazy it is to deal with me.

But someone came along and initiated the change I never thought I'd succumb to: I'm now learning to wait. This person may not know his impact on my mindset but, yes, he made me take that first step: to at least try to see the wonders of being able to wait. For the right time, for the right reasons, for the right means.

Being the "there's always a right time for everything" type that he is, he refuses to tell me things I've been bewildered about. He refuses to let me in on his mind. No matter how I try to make him spill just even a little, there's no way he'll slip and give me a clue. Somewhere at the back of my mind, curiosity and paranoia is killing me. But somewhere at the bottom of my heart is the faith that this is leading to something better. I dunno where this is leading exactly but I'm sure this is leading to something better. It taught me to wait, that's one big thing already. And although it's driving me crazy each passing day not knowing what I'm waiting for, this is still a blessing to me because it gradually is taming the restless part of me. More importantly, this is teaching me everyday that delayed gratification is more fulfilling than instant gratification.

Now don't they always say waiting is the most important thing one can do for the one he loves? While that stands true, I say waiting also gives the opportunity to change one's mind. The former being the ideal and the latter being the ugly truth. Since I still am learning to see the wonders waiting can bring, I can't say I won't change my mind in the course of waiting most especially because I still know not what I'm waiting for. But being the "I know what I want" type, I know I'm standing by this for as long as I can. The only time I'll be quitting is when that person gives me enough reasons to. And while I can change my mind, he also can anytime. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed with the hope that this is in fact leading to something better. If not, then I'll keep my lessons with me and move on to another chapter. Whatever the case, this caused me to make me want to wait for the unknown. And that itself is something I salute him for. So here's to you. You know who you are. KUDOS!

29 October 2009

See Yah Later

Partners in crime. That's what we are, Aiai and I. We may not have practically grew up together, we may not be together everywhere everytime but we see to it that whenever crisis arises, we are there for each other. We rarely see each other even but that was never a hindrance for courtesy calls. :)

Catching up is never a task for us because, for those who don't know, we are literally "tabian". We grew up away from each other but everytime we have family gatherings, which are scheduled more than five times a year, we are inseparable. We go out once in a while and have what seems to be a never ending talk about stuff and during one of those talks did we realize that we are indeed not getting any younger. From "boys" to "guys", from just us to our family issues, and a whole lot more...

I never thought I'd feel this sad that she'd be leaving. Her 2 weeks vacation trip alone made me miss her knowing we'd be that far apart... How much more now that no more than 2 weeks later after she got back, she'd be leaving again? This time, for good... Honestly, I didn't know how to take it. Not that it'll make any difference. There'll be no pulling of sleeves, people. I support her decision and she knows that. It's just that, i suddenly felt we could've spent more time together and all that. For a while I kindah felt I'm losing my bestfriend. Then I realized, I'm not losing anybody. We're just growing up. :)

I still can't help but feel sad that she's leaving. Thinking of all the family affairs, most especially Christmas, without her is making it hard all the more. And i honestly can't help but cry. ( I know, I know.. We both promised there'll be no tears). But more than the sadness, I know she knows how much I support her decision. We've talked about this way too many times. Back to the days when our dreams were far too elusive. And now that hers is just a flight away, I'm happy that her dreams are one by one coming true.

Looking back, we were just young girls oblivious of what life will be like. But sitting in that corner with her, having our last coffee break, I have seen how much we both have grown. I guess I'll be missing her for awhile. Thanks to FB communication won't be as hard anymore.

As she said, no tears, no goodbyes, only "see you later". A few hours from now, she'll be stepping on that plane and chase her dreams. My prayers will be with her always. I'm gunna miss you, Ai. You know that. But I'll surely see you later. Thanks for making that first step. That makes my dreams closer than I hoped for. ;)

I wasn't planning on doing anything like this for you cuz we both were avoiding the tears. But remember what Bob Ong said? "ayos lang umiyak, hindi ibig sabihn niyan WEAK ka. sa katunayan pa nga, yan ang magpapalakas ng loob mo." So there... Let's be cheesy this one time. :)) I wasn't expecting anything cheesy, Ai, but since you started with that cheesy album description, then here's my reply.

I'm gunna miss you but I'll catch you on FB. I'm gunna miss you but please know that I'm happy for you. I'm gunna miss you but I'm confident Lloydee will take good care of you. I'm gunna miss you and the comfort you bring. I'm gunna miss you. Period. I'm gunna miss you but I'll surely see you later. ;)

I can't promise you there'll be no tears but I can promise you my all out support. I'm gunna miss you, mam. See you later! Know that even when we're that far apart, I'll still be the same Sheng you can tell e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to.

You will surely be missed but I'll be looking forward to seeing you again... In SG! ;)

Luv yah!

22 October 2009

Beautiful Girls' Mushy Exchange :)

This exchange of mushiness occurred more than a year ago. I was going over old FS comments when I saw these statements. So since Zeera and I don't get to talk as much as we'd like to, I decided to repost this to remind us both that despite our ultra dili mag abot na scheds, we, beautiful girls have more than enough reasons to look at the brighter side of life. =)

FROM SHENG TO ZAI

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE:

1. YOU TELL ME BLUNTLY EVEN THE MOST HURTFUL STUFF WHEN I NEED TO HEAR IT AND STILL MANAGE NOT TO HURT ME.

2. YOU BEAR MY KAHIBANGAN EVEN AT THE DIREST TIMES.

3. YOU LISTEN TO MY RANTINGS & RAVINGS AS IF IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

4. YOU SHARE MY PAIN. (YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)

5. WE TALK AS IF WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERYDAY.

6. WE MAY NOT TALK FOR AGES YET WE MANAGE TO KEEP UP EVERYTIME.

7. WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY MATTERS TO ME.

8. WE'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK. (YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AGAIN)

9. WE KNOW EACH OTHER'S SENTIMENTS EVEN WHEN WE DON'T SAY IT.

10. WE MANAGE TO REMAIN FRIENDS UNDER THE MOST
COMPLICATED CIRCUMSTANCES.

11. WE THINK ALIKE BUT DECIDE DIFFERENTLY. HA HA HA

12.WE DECIDE DIFFERENTLY BUT STILL MANAGE TO BE HAPPY FOR EACH OTHER.

13. WE REMAIN HAPPY EVEN AT THE LOWEST TIMES.

14. I FEEL BLESSED JUST BY HAVING YOU.

15. YOU NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EVERYTIME MY PARANOIA STRIKES --- SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DEAL WITH IT. AND IT'S BECAUSE, AGAIN, YOU SHARE THE SAME SENTIMENT. HA HA HA.

LUVYAH GA!

FROM ZAI TO SHENG

HERE'S FOR A GOOD FRIEND, CHELLO MAE "SHENG" TEVES DICO:

JUST LIKE JOJO TO SEAN KINGSTON.. THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL GURL'S REPLY.. HAH HAH!

I LUV YAH TOO BECAUSE:

1. I HONESTLY THINK U KNOW ME BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. WHAT I CONSIDER CLASSIFIED INFORMATION NEVER EVADES YOU COZ U’D ALWAYS KNOW ANYWAY, NO MATTER HOW I TRY TO KEEP IT.. LECHE KA!=P

2. UD WILLINGLY SHAKE OFF POISE JUST TO DO OUTRAGEOUSLY STUPID THINGS WITH ME. [LIKE MUKAMANG PASULOD SA GAMAY NA HOLE TO GET INSIDE A LOCKED ROOM WHEN WE HAVE THE KEY!!!, ANG BADDER2X PA! NAUNSA D GYUD KO KA GET OVER A2!]

3. OUR STANCES OFTEN GET POLES APART BUT WE NEVER ARGUE WHO'S RIGHT OR WRONG.=)

4. WE HAVE THIS STRONG AFFINITY TO GWAPO & SMART GUYS PRO PASTILANANG WA GYUY MGA KLARO!!! NO WONDER U FEEL FOR ME.. PERO AS WE PUT IT, BA-SIN BUSY LANG CLA.. ILUG NA LANG TANG MICHAEL SCOFIELD ANI GA! NAH UTRO PUNG BUSY! WALA GYUD TA ANI. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

5. U EFFECTUALLY CONVINCE ME THAT THINGS WILL END UP OKAY EVEN WHEN I FEEL LIKE ALL HELL'S BREAKING LOOSE..

6. WE SHARE A PREMIER ALTITUDE OF INSANITY. NEED I SAY MORE? HAHA!

7. U SEEM TO HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN ME THAN I HAVE FOR MYSELF, UL BUILD A CAREER BY BEING MY SPIRIT-BOOSTER!=)

8. I CAN OPENLY TELL U UR GAGA AND U’D JUST SAY MAO PISTI JUD! I SALUTE UR HONESTY. HAHAHA..

9. U PROVED ME WRONG.. U WERE DEFINITELY MORE THAN JUST THE ULTRA-ARTENG GURLALOO I USED TO HATE IN GRADE 6. HAHAHA!

10. U COUNTER MY EMOTIONAL PASSIVITY. I THINK IM 0.0000001% LESS PASSIVE NOW THANKS TO U. =P

11. WE AGREED TO BE FILTHY RICH AND THAT WE'D DO IT TOGETHER. =)

12. I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON U EVEN IF WE'RE A MILLION MILES APART AND HAVE NOT SEEN EACH OTHER FOR AGES..

13. WHEN IT COMES TO LIFE'S DRAMATIC STIRS, WE CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. IT SIMPLY HELPS TO KNOW I'M NOT ALONE..

14. U CONTINUE TO URGE ME TO GET A BOYFRIEND.. WITH UR RELENTLESS MOTIVATION, I'M POSITIVE I WON'T BE A SPINSTER-----SOMEONE WE'RE BOTH AFRAID OF TURNING OUT TO BE, ONLY WE HAVE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASONS! HAHA..

15. OUR OH-SO-SENSELESS & MUSHY CONVERSATIONS ARE THERAPY.. ABOVE ALL, U MAY BE BETTER-LOOKING THAN ME, BUT I'M CERTAINLY TALLER THAN U! WOOHOO=P

Here's to us GGs! :D We'll always be GGs and I'm glad we're okay with it!

19 October 2009

I ♥ CDO

Living in a new world is liberating. A new city, new town, with new faces and new places... It gives you the air of just caring less but being more. It gives you the freedom to do things you want to without worrying about too many eyes watching, too many mouths waiting to comment, and too many ears waiting for yet another story passed on.

I've been living in another world for a good five long years yet I still feel like an outsider half of the time. At times I'm grateful for being able to get out of getting used to being in the limelight, most times I miss the comfort of the people who has seen the worst in me yet still chose to look at the better side of me.

I may have gotten rid of a lot of things that associate me with good ol' CDO --- the expressions and such --- but the bigger part of me will always, always remain there. I may have been to other places, met a lot of other faces, been through a lot of other experiences, still, nothing beats the comfort of CDOC. Well a lot of people find it weird how I don't go out as much as I used to in CDO considering there are more spots here than there ever was in CDO. I only have one answer to that: the crowd. I miss having to spend a good 20 minutes just waiting for a Donsal ride to pass by. I miss walking around town seeing more familiar faces than you would want to see. I miss walking inside the club and knowing almost every face I see. I miss the comfort of the kind of crowd I used to belong to. Bottom line: I just miss being a Kagay-anon.

The past few weeks, a night out with CDO friends has been planned and postponed a couple of times due to schedule constraints. Me with thesis, the others with work. But since I have three thesis-free weeks, we were finally able to meet up and just hang out. Although we all had to meet at the hospital where Charles was confined in due to what was suspected to be dengue, the meeting was still nothing less than fun. What with Janson's "BEAM Smile" act and Raymund's capturing of Janson's motivation of being in front of a camera, we were expecting some knock on the door anytime by a nurse asking us to minimize our noise. Good thing no nurse spoiled our moment.

The night started with dinner with Raymund at Pizza Hut while Paulo, Janson, and Charles were already waiting at the hospital. When Raymund and I got there, of course, as expected, a lot of catching up slash gossiping transpired. From schoolmates to teachers to all the "crimes" and pranks pulled. Paulo had to leave earlier so he can change for the night out and meet up with us later on. And while we were waiting for Pau, Janson's shining moment occurred, which was, by the way, blamed on the inverted buko pie. (Video to be posted depending on what will be negotiated. Hi Jan! Hihi). Now I wonder what Rose, Charles' girlfriend, thinks of us Liceans now. Haha! But anyway, we all dwelled on Janson's "BEAM Smile" act and laughed our hearts out for a while. As the night was already running late, we had to leave and let Charles rest. Raymund and I had coffee and met up with Pau and his cousin at IT Park while Janson went home as he has class the following morning. I and the rest of the guys played cards over a few bottles of beer while the three of 'em were girlie watching. I was, as usual, the only rose among the thorns. Being the one-of-the-guys type as I always was, I had fun with being the only girl in the group. And though the things that transpired during the night out were not that extraordinary, so to speak, it as one night I didn't have for five long years --- a night with CDO friends.

I can't explain how comforting it is for me to be with CDO people, really. I, too, find it weird. But melodrama aside, I really, really miss CDO. The places I used to go to, the spots I frequented at, the people I go out with, the friends whose existence gives me relief from all of life's diversions... I can go blabbing about it for hours but it all boils down to one thing: nothing beats good ol' CDO. Ask every Kagay-anon in town. Even the sophistication of other far more beautiful places can't beat the feel of CDO. Maybe that's why it is called The City of Golden Friendship. Or maybe I just miss the place that much. Whatever the case, CDO will always be home to me.

And, oh, I'm looking forward to another night out with the guys. Now that Charles is out of the hospital (thank God), our long anticipated get together will be planned again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the schedule constraints. But, yeah, if there's a will, there's always a way. See you soon, guys!

Ang dahilan sa tanan. (Peace Jan! hihi)

19 October 2009

What Goes Around Comes Around

Everything you say, everything you do, everything you try to feed into other people's minds... it's all gunna come back to you. And when it does, it's gunna hit you real hard the least moment you expect it to. So don't expect to stay on top all the time. People may not talk back against you like you do to them but it just shows how much of a low life malignantly insecure person you are. You may feel superior just because people don't talk bad against you when you do them worse, it's just that people wouldn't wanna stoop to your level. You can actually blabber about all the tiniest fault you find in others and all the what nots but that still doesn't make you any better than any of the people you target. If that's what makes you feel better, then go ahead and indulge. But at the end of the day, it still won't make you even a little better because your insecurity will slowly eat the whole of you. Listen to yourself in silence. Tell me, how would you like to be remembered??? Karma's a b*tch and it sure does know how to make your life miserable. Say hi to karma for me when it finally find its way to you.

30 August 2009

Old Friends in a Different World♥♥♥

The past two days I spent with two persons from my past.
It felt real good to relive a part of me I don't get to make use of in my new world...

• the carefree Shengoy who laughs at the littlest things.


• the careless Shengoy who says whatever is in mind and will not be afraid of being rejected because the truth is what her friends would want to hear.


• the uber kulit Shengoy who can just be clumsy and childish, and get someone else's lollipop straight from a friend's mouth and just laugh it off and exchange lollies with her friends when her lollie's flavor is getting boring.


• the ultra poised Shengoy who wouldn't mind losing her poise just to do fun stuff with her friends.
  
  
• the kikay Shengoy who can be all maarte and mataray and maingay without the fear of being stereotyped.

These symptoms of me are still part of the person I am now.
I'm still the same Shengoy, only "different".
I'm still the same Shengoy, just with different manifestations.
But the little girl in me is still the same.
It's just that when you're in a different world, you are sometimes forced to become another (yet the same) person.
The world is changing and I'm changing with it.
But the past two days made me realize that despite being a different person in a different place, the presence of friends can make you feel and be the same person you are when you are with them.
And so, despite the busy schedules and different worlds we live in, I'm glad I was able to spend time with two of the people who know me way better than most people I know. :)

17 JULY '09, Friday
10:00AM - went to school
03:00PM - went home to change, went to Helsey's for the thesis.
06:30PM - met up with Raymund at Ayala where he "gave" me the chicharon he supposedly bought for me but ended up eating most of it on the way to Zyra's and left two pieces of it (just because he can't finish it off anymore due to his thirst) and gave it to Zyra.
07:10PM - went to Blue Magic and bought the anthrax baby gift for Zyra.
07:15PM - on the way to Zyra's.
07:35PM - arrived at Zyra's, met some new faces, ate a lot, danced, sang, drank a little, took lots of pics, went crazy, talked a lot, laughed some more.
11:45PM - bid goodbye but ended up taking more pics, and said a dozen goodbyes that turned into more talks.

18 JULY '09
12:10AM - finally went out of the gate, happy about the gathering, sad that it had to end, anxious to get to get back to Helsey's place for the thesis.
12:20AM - arrived at Helsey's and off to working on the nabitin na thesis.
08:30AM - ate breakfast with the thesis group, went home, printed the output, took a bath, went back to school, submitted the first part of the thesis, went back to Zyra's place after.
01:00PM - arrived at Zyra's place (again), had lunch, talked a lot, went up to her room, took what seemed like a 10minute nap, and waited for Raymund to arrive.
03:00PM - uber talked (as usual) and ate M&M's while watching TV
04:00PM - cooked lotsa popcorn, made iced tea. TV session.
06:30PM - left Zyra's place with Raymund, went to Paseo Arcenas to eat, dropped by Chains, looked at lotsa stuff, accidentally damaged a dog's eye printed on a mug (ooops!) and laughed so hard we had to go out before someone finds out. And oh, we were trying to keep our eyes from rolling over some annoyingly loud teenagers at the PUJ!
09:00PM - went to Ayala, wandered inside FullyBooked, played kiddie games at Timezone and hammered lotsa alligators' heads, lost over an air hockey game, felt like a kid and rode a kiddie ride and took pics, played some shooting game that made both of us scream in enthusiasm (haha), ate this uber indulgent chocolate cake at Postrio, took crazy pics, and talked more. (the talks Zyra would like to refer to as the convos that make us realize we are indeed getting older)
11:50PM - lights at the Terraces are gradually being turned off one by one. Postrio closed already. Good thing we were outside so we get to keep our seats.

19 JULY '09
12:00AM - been wide awake for more than 24 hours already. Another day ended. Still at Ayala till more lights went off.
12:05AM - we soon realized we had to go home already. Terraces is getting darker. We queued up for a cab, talked some more.
12:20AM - I reached home with both a smile and frown. Happy that I get to spend some time out from the world with my old friends and sad that I am back to the real world in a snap.

Approximately 16 hours spent with those two people truly made me feel like the old person I used to be. Sometimes, there is a comfort in revisiting the things that we love when we were young. And that's what I found: COMFORT. :)

Thanks guys! The three of us lived separate lives in totally different worlds when we left HS but now that the three of us are living in a world far from CDO, it brings comfort knowing there are familiar faces that brings the same ol' solace.

And that's when I felt that

I'm hoping to seeing more of you. :)

MWAHUGZ!♥♥♥

20 July 2009

Afterthought, Aftermath

Coming out of a very unsuccessful relationship, I figured it was more than a failure. It was a mistake. And I should've been strong enough to acknowledge that from the start. I was selfish and only thought of how I felt, ignoring the fact that I was in no position to fight for anything. I kindah felt it was only about how I'm feeling and how I want things to be and so I fought as hard to get there. I thought I was happy but I figured later on that I was only trying to convince myself so I can show the world that I am.Truth is, I was struggling every minute of it because I wanted so much to prove to everyone and to myself that I made the right decision. I know deep inside that I didn't. I kept it all to myself because I was so damn afraid to admit it to anybody. Myself included. I kindah hoped that if I didn't say it out loud, I can just make it all go away and things will fall into place without anybody noticing I made a mistake. But it dawned in on me that just because you don't mention something out loud, doesn't mean it doesn't exist because the more you try to deny it of its existence, the more it haunts you till you set things right. I was foolish enough to think that it was love just because it was something I never felt before. It was like going back to the highschool melodrama of relationships. The going-against-all-odds-thrill it brings you. Oh wel, I used to have this fancy for the "I don't care what the world friggin' thinks. I love you and it's all that matters" type of relationships. Talk about being a sucker for "love"! But then I realized, if you start your relationship wrongly, chances are, you might end up wrongly, too. Why choose to start it that way when you can always start right? Some people are just too impatient to wait for certain timing and I was one of those. I admit. But after having gone through one helluva relationship (if you can call it that), I came to a clear resolution that I will no longer vie for the "oh yes he's fighting for me" drama because if things are really bound to work out, you won't have to go against the odds just to get to where you wanna be. It's always a better, greater feeling when you start things at the right time, for the right reasons, and with the right person. It's always a nicer feeling when you won't have to fight against time, against circumstances, and against anyone just so you can be with that one person. And it will always be a lighter feeling when you get to where you are without hurting anybody else in the process. Of course the road will not be very smooth all throughout but you'll be happier when you know you've gone far ahead at you own expense and not that of others'. Given a chance to go a few steps back, I surely will change things for the better. But knowing that I can't, I might as well stay on the positive side and gather all the broken pieces, put it all together, and see the bigger picture. I must learn what the situation is trying to teach me. I've done all of that already. I admit I was broken for a while but I also am thankful it happened to me. It surely led me to a better place, a better person, giving me all the right reasons to keep on going. It surely prepared me for the person who seeks me through God. It surely prepared me for that better place. And it surely makes me believe that at this very moment, I'M ALREADY THERE. =)

28 May 2009

In a Trance ♥

Your eyes met mine.
The world stopped.
Nothing else mattered.
Just one glance and the world stopped.
You looked away.
I cant help looking at you still.
My heart beats fast,
Time ticks slow.
I wanna stop time,
Just stay in that moment,
If only time could freeze.
For once...
Forever.
But time ticks back to its normal pace
Just as it always did.
But I'll be stuck in that moment,
That one place in time.
That glance,
That chance.
I'm in a trance.
I'll remember that by heart.
If that's the closest it can bring me to you...
That glance,
That chance.
It brings me to a trance even when you're a thousand miles away from where I'm at.
It won't change a thing still.
The thrill it brings creates a longing
But it brings me to where you are.
That glance,
That chance,
And I'm simply in a trance.

To a Friend I Used to Love

Once there was a love I never thought would surface. We were friends, oh yes we were. And close friends at that... He was one of the trusted friends I used to confide in at times the world is at its insanest peak. He was the one I instantly run to every time I need a hand to hold. I was in an against all odds relationship at that time... And he was the one who always finds his way to me at times my heart bursts with tears and sadness. The mere thought of his friendship makes my gloomy days brighter and my heavy mood lighter...

The scenario was always like that till the time i had to leave. I had to leave town, and my relationship, too. I went on to find another life, another love, another world... And as days moved into months, I didn't notice how time went by fast. Years passed and I came across my old love. I came across my old friend, too. I thought the old love will be rekindled. Little did I know that another love will. The old friend confessed of something I never thought possible. But, yes. He did confess of how he felt back then. Was I surprised? Partly. But was I happy? In a way, I am. Because subconsciously, the existence of that old friend is one of the things that helped me make it through.

We may not have kept the friendship alive all the years we were apart but we never put an end to it either. And at that instant, I felt the surge of something I never thought possible between us. He belongs to someone else.

I may never understand why he had to tell me what he felt years ago, or if he still felt it at the time 'cause we never talked about it. But I'm glad that at a portion of his lifetime, he felt for me. I am guilty of making him feel otherwise and of never admitting this to him ever, but... At a portion of my lifetime, I felt for him too. I just didn't have the right to tell him and I didn't wanna complicate his life. But, yes, I DID FEEL FOR HIM TOO. And it took me a while to finally face it. Maybe we were both cowards not to face what we both felt. Or maybe we just didn't feel it at the same time. But we did feel for each other at some point in our lives and that's enough for me. I may not be able to say this to him upfront, but in case he'll need me, he still can talk to me the way he used to... Under the stars, sharing the same pillow... Sharing the same friendship. :)

All For Love

This is for

the lonely & the happy,

the hurting & the healing,

the taken & the mistaken,

the sad & the mad,

the hopeful & the hoping…

This is for

the loved & the unloved,

the trying & the crying,

the rejected & the neglected,

the waiting & never came back to,

the waiting & was returned back to,

the waiting & still willing to wait…

This is for

the hopeless & the helpless,

the aspiring lover & the expiring lover…

This is for

the left behind,

the in denial,

the moving on…

This is for those

who loved & lost,

who loved & left,

who loved & gained…

This is for those

who loved, lost, but still loving,

who loved, lost, but still hoping & waiting… & waiting…

For those

who loved & let go,

and for those who loved & are about to let go…

For those

who want to be in love but can never seem to find the right love,

&

For those

who want to keep trying but was let go of…

For those

who loved & left & want to come back…

For those

who still believe in paradise, in forevers, in ever afters…

For those

who ever experienced love at some point in their lives

& for those who are still experiencing it…

This is for everybody.

This is for you. For breaking my heart…

This is for me. For keeping things from falling apart.

& this is for HIM, for making me whole again…

But most especially, this is for LOVE, for still working its way in everybody’s lives.

It may not work the way we want it to but it will always work for us the best way it knows how to.

It may not stay when we thought we need it badly but it will come the moment we don’t search for it. It will come when it knows we’re ready for paradise, for forevers, for ever afters… It will come when it knows we’re ready to take pain for happiness, to endure the waiting, & to love like you never have.

So keep your hearts open for love because it comes the very least moment you expect it.

To everyone who still believes in the magic of love, & to everyone who wants to believe, whichever you are from any of the above, KEEP BELIEVING! Be reminded that great things don’t come easy. Forever doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not a place you go to. It’s a fraction of what you feel for a person who will work as hard, or even more, to reach forever with you. And when you find that person, never let go. Love works in the most mysterious ways, in the most unlikely places, at the most unexpected times.

Just keep loving & you will see… the beauty of love will unfold in God’s perfect time. Let God write your love story and enjoy the story He deems best for you. Love will always be the best feeling in the world so KEEP LOVING! =)

Sober

The past weeks have been more than a crazy roller coaster ride for me. Everything seems absurd and there’s not anything or anyone that can put sense into this irrational brain of mine. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, seems to pacify me from my self-inflicted lunacy. My recurring temporary insanity is on its way to being permanent. Haha! And to top it all, I seem to lose the strength to fight things that used to be so bearable to me.

Okay, Okay… I can actually hear my friends saying, “I told you”, “you should’ve seen it coming”, “you know way better”, and more of those reproaches. I actually told myself all of those long before they actually knew that I was falling apart!

I’ve had more sleepless nights than they knew, more crying moments than I truthfully revealed, and a lot more gaga instances than I would want to expose.

I know I’m hardheaded. I do things I want to and I stick to it even when the whole world tells me otherwise.All my friends can attest to that. :)) And I’m not ashamed to admit that I, the strong Sheng everyone knows, have my gaga side that no one seems to expect. And I’m honest enough to confess that I cried over things that I shouldn’t be crying over, to start with.

So, here you go guys… You now know that I, the tough Sheng you all know, crumble over a heartbreak that was inevitable. Was I blind? Or was I just hopeful? HAHA!

I tried all the diversions I can think of. I cried all the tears I never thought I have. Heck, I could’ve been dehydrated for Pete’s sake! More than that, I tormented myself, tested my threshold, and prayed as hard as I can the best way I can. All to no avail.

The hardest times for me were those moments when I’m about to get some decent possible sleep and the moment I wake up to see the daylight. The former because it’s when all the unwanted thoughts come in, the latter because I know it’s going be another day I’m super struggling to survive. Every waking moment is emotional suicide because everything I do, everywhere I go, every little thing I see reminds me of what I’m trying so hard not to remember. Still, even in my sleep, emotional suicide seems to follow. My dreams were all about what I was trying to run away from. Sleep used to be my greatest alliance when I want to run away from the world’s pains and hurts. But the past weeks, I have no escape. What more torture can you ask for?

My nightmare always found its way to me the harder I try to hide myself from it. I was wishing and praying and hoping for better days but my impractical mind seems to be wishing and praying and hoping for the wrong nuances of better days. My threshold seems to be far from sight, more so, out of reach. My tears seem bottomless, my heart still willing to take more pain than I should. It seems to have a mind of its own. Haha!

Again, the battle of mind and heart is on! And my soul is not only broken. It’s all shattered into pieces and I seem weak and tired and lazy and not wanting to pick it all up even one at a time. No matter how the sane part of me wants to stand up from the fall, the cynical part of me wants to stay this way. How gaga can I get? Yeah, yeah. I’m aware of that. Love does that to me everytime! C’mon guys, I was inlove! (take note of the WAS. hehe) And we all know that love strikes harder, deeper, stronger the more you try to turn it off!

How was I to know it was ending? How was I to know? Even the wisest, strongest, sanest person to ever exist will never be able to clearly know that. So there I was, making myself agonize and crying over spilled useless milk. I was a damsel in distress who wouldn’t want to be saved from my affliction.

Who can save me now? Everyone’s words of wisdom and comfort don’t seem to comfort me at all! They only seem to pass right through me. They never seem to sink in.

Again, who can save me now? After all the sleepless, miserable nights, I realized that my greatest adversary was MYSELF. After days and days of wallowing myself in torment, I beat myself out of my wits. I slowly dragged myself out of the dark cocoon I wrapped around myself and searched for even the smallest proportions of light. And light there was! I beat my own self. I won against my own self-inflicted suffering. I won against myself. Haha. Call me crazy, I don’t care. I know I am. At least I’m modest enough to admit that part of me.

So now I can answer my own question: Who can save me now? I can save my own self. And I did. I saved myself. I am my own hero. I decided to leave everything behind and I am happy about it. I TRULY AM. Just as what I was telling everyone, I’m back on my feet now. And I’m beyond doubt starting to live again. My sanguine self is on its way so guys, make way! Hehe.

And just like what i always say, “HAPPINESS IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. SADNESS IS JUST AN OPTION. I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. SO I AM. NO HANG-UPS, NO REGRETS. JUST HAPPY”.

I become conscious of that again when I came across my past compositions. And then it hit me. It actually hit me hard. I knew all of this all along. I was just too busy being hurt to see it clearly. Sometimes it’s just hard to plainly see what’s outside the box when the only things you see are the four sides of the box.

So to all of my friends I used to reprimand for being gaga over someone they shouldn’t, now’s you’re chance to get back at me. Hehehe. Seriously, I’m super back on my feet now. And I assure you guys, no more gaga mode for me… FOR NOW! Haha. Till the next one comes along! Haha.

So to everyone who helped me get through my insanest moments, to everyone who patiently listened to my irksome ranting and raving, and to everyone who prayed for me, THANK YOU.

Now I know that all those burdensome days I was praying for the wrong things, hoping for the flawed coming true of wrong wishes, and holding on to the things I’m so much better off without. So now, I’m praying for the right things. I’m giving it all up to God. I‘m letting Him write the love story He knows is best for me. Now I have the right things in mind. I’m now letting everything go with an open heart and an open mind. At least now I won’t be going through a battle of the heart and mind for the nth time around.

Again, thank you everyone. (You know who you guys are). And, I’m back! For good…

Indifferent

When i look at him, I feel INDIFFERENT.
I mean, yes, it’s “sayang” that I poured out my whole heart on him in a span of 9 months.
But seeing him now, I ask myself how could I even be so blind to let myself fall for another effective i-love-you-lie…
I loved him with all of me, yes.
I wouldn’t deny that cuz a part of me still wants to straighten things out with him.
BUT I’M SURE IT’S NOT OUT OF LOVE ANYMORE.
IT’S OUT OF SHEER WANT TO STEER NEGATIVITY AWAY.
I want so much to go back to my old sanguine self.Ü
The old Sheng who’s strong and not the Sheng he’s made me to be.
Cuz even though a part of me stays with him, a bigger part of me remains to myself, to the people in my life now, and will be for the remaining people i will meet in my lifetime.
Yes, I was hurt.
Actually, a part of me still aches.
But I’m back on my feet now.
And one of these days, I’ll be able to look him straight in the eye and say, “THANK YOU FOR GETTING OUT OF MY LIFE THE BEST TIME YOU KNOW WHEN TO”.
Cuz at the end of it all, I may have loved and lost but I loved with all of me.
I can deal with that.

My Life's Sweetest Blessing

I’m more than thankful God gave me YOU — a blessing I did not ask for but a blessing that will always touch my life eternally.

Yes, I did not ask God to give you to me. But He did.

He must’ve known I need someone like you. He must’ve known you’re the best person for me. He must’ve known you’re that one person who can make me completely happy.

Yes, I did not ask God for you. But He did.

And yes, you’re the one I need, you’re the best person for me, and yes, you make me completely happy.

I did not ask God for you, but since He did, I know there’s no turning back.

Now that I have you, I know I’ll never let you go. I’ll never let this go.

Ever.

Well, not unless you want me to.

And I’ll be praying so hard that day won’t come because now that you’re here, I finally know what I’m looking for.

I’ve been telling you this and I wanna tell you again. I’ll do what it takes to keep you. I’ll do what it takes to experience forever with you.

I know this won’t be a perfect ride. I don’t expect it to be.

I know we’ll go through a lot of highs and lows, and a lot more good times and bad times.

And I pray that we go through all of those TOGETHER.

I wanna grow with you and live through life with you.

I never knew love could feel like this.

And I wanna thank you for giving me this experience.

I know I’ve said it a million times before.And I don’t mind saying it a zillion times more.

I LOVE YOU.

Keep that in mind.

That’s all I ask of you.

This Time

In my life I’ve many
passing fancies.

People come and go
without any warning.

They come even when
we don’t want them in our lives.

They go no matter how
we want them to stay.

It’s always hard to
let people go

but nothing beats the
hardness

when you’ve let all
your guards down

but they still decide to leave you anyway.

You always end up
feeling you’re not good enough.

Am I not good enough?

I’ve been hurt but
still I let all my defenses down

hoping I’m right this
time around.

Lord, I don’t wanna lose myself again.

PLEASE LET ME BE RIGHT THIS TIME!

That One Person

I’ve always loved love. I’ve always loved to love. I always take its risk no matter how complex it gets. I never hesitate to do crazy things when I’m in love — I guess I’m in my craziest state when I’m in love.
.
.
I never was afraid to love. WAS. I don’t know what the heck happened but I AM NOW. I used to be always a risk taker and the face the consequences no matter how grave they can be. Now I wonder, have I just matured and realized that there’s more to relationships than just loving? Or did I just grow tired of falling over and over again?
.
.
A lot of questions remain unanswered to me. The more I search for answers, the more questions come in.
.
.
Do you know if you’ve fallen for the right one? How do you know if you have? How do you know if you’re the right person for him too? Does it necessarily follow that if he’s the right one for you then you’re the right one for him also?
.
.
It gets crazier by the minute. I don’t think I’m still that crazy to still go for it. I guess I’m gonna be afraid for a time from now. Afraid for things to get more complicated. Afraid to fall and fail the nth time around. Afraid I’d give whatever’s left of me. .
.
.
Does it make sense, really? I’ve never been afraid to love but this time around I know I need to safely guard my heart and save it for that one person. THAT ONE PERSON… Someone who will still be there even if all else fails. That one person… Just that one person then I’ll be just fine.
.

Numb

You’re here but I don’t feel you
You seem like a passive thing going down the drain.
You’re near but I don’t see you
How numb of me to cause you all this pain…

You’re mine but am I yours?
How could you be so naive to close your eyes from what you should’ve seen?
I cannot give you all of what’s left of me
Still you give me all of you after all that has been.

How can I shut you out of my world when you’ve given me everything?
How dare I be so insensitive to fight whatever it is I’m feeling?
I’ve been hard as steel
I’ve now forgotten how to love
I’ve forgotten how to feel.

I closed my heart from any possibility of falling again
I know it’s crazy, I know it’s dumb
I wanna learn to love again, I wanna learn to love you
But I’ve been numb, oh so numb…

A Hurtful Past

You are a hurtful past
And you are nothing but past tense
Hidden in the darkest corner of my being
What we are is past tense

You are a hurtful past
And I don’t mind leaving you behind
Thrown away in the deepest ocean of angst
All kept at the back of my mind

You are a hurtful past
And you deserve not any mercy
You’re everything i hate to love again
I’ll get back at you, you’ll see…

You are a hurtful past
And you should be long forgotten
Into the farthest of far
So naive to have been mistaken

You are a hurtful past
Yet I long to have you back
If i get hurt again, I don’t care
Still I long… I just long… ;c

Torn

Did you ever have to choose between SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO DO and SOMETHING YOU HAD TO?
Have you ever tried to choose between SOMEONE YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD and SOMEONE NEW?
Do you consider OTHERS or you consider ONLY YOU?

When you find yourself torn between NEW LOVE and OLD LOVE, how harder can it get?
You’ll only realize it’s much harder than it already is
You’ll only find out that with being in between, there’s no such thing as bliss…

For OLD LOVE BRINGS SECURITY while NEW LOVE BRINGS TRHILL
But there are things you can never hide… things you should never conceal…
Would you be so kind to GIVE YOUR HEART TO SOMEONE ELSE and SUSPEND THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN DREAMING OF?

BEING IN LOVE and STAYING IN LOVE are two different things
Oh, how life gets complicated with the things love brings!
Who said love’s that easy, anyway?
Who said love always has to stay?

CAN YOU TEACH ONE’S HEART TO LOVE or DOES LOVE JUST COME ALONG?
IS LOVE ALWAYS RIGHT or DOES IT SOMETIMES GO WRONG?
Does one have to stay in love with the same person in one’s lifetime?
Do you always have to stay in line?

Afterall, if you choose, you have to stick to that option
For no one ever appreciates regression
Nothing’s wrong and nothing’s right as long as you stand by your decision…

It is never easy trying to choose between THE ONE YOU TRULY LOVE and THE ONE YOU DON’T WANNA HURT
Eitherway you choose, you’re gunna break someone’s heart
Be it THEIRS or be it YOURS
Someone’s heart is gunna break, of course…

Momentary Bliss

There are certain
times in life when someone

comes the moment you least expected

— someone you least
expected.

You don’t even notice
at first until you recognize

how that particular
person turns your life around without knowing why.

All you know is that
things

are not in its normal being anymore.

Everything’s
upside-down and you can’t bring things back to normal

yet you’re still happy.

Then normal isn’t something you’re familiar of
anymore

because everyday becomes another story waiting
to be told.

Each story essential to the love story you
wish to have.

You look forward to
everyday for another moment with him

and even a mere eye contact would mean the
world to you.

Your heart beats
fastest when he’s near but beats slowest when he’s not.

You’re seeing things
from a different perspective

and life has turned the way it never did.

You dream of a lot of things.

Things that are sometimes far from reality.

Things that will make you fall harder even if
it fails.

Things that makes you all the more crazier
everytime.

And then you wake up and realize everything
with him is just temporary.

And that the bliss you find in him is just
momentary.

One minute you’re happy, next thing you know
you’re already falling apart.

You tend to deny the truth even if it’s right
under your nose.

You fight for feelings you shouldn’t be
feeling to start with.

You fall all the more
even with the slightest touch of his hand.

The mere sight of him
drives you crazy.

But at the end of the day,

momentary bliss will be nothing more than
momentary bliss.

It just passes you by
no matter how you try to hold it.

At the end of the day,

reality is reality.

It bites no matter
how you try to run away from it.

It haunts you.

So at the end of
everything,

you have no one but
yourself to blame

cuz you keep holding on to something
momentary.

Something that just passes you by.

Something that goes without any warning.

Now you’re wounded,

next thing you know
you’re bleeding.

What’s more,

it makes you die
inside.

And you wish that the
pain is just as momentary.

But it never happens.

Pain is pain.

It kills your heart.

Kills your being.

I just died.

And waiting to be
reborn.

Waiting…

Still waiting…

When will the waiting
end?

I don’t care.

I’ll still be waiting nevertheless.

Please come sooner
before my hope dies.

If it does, I’ll never be able to love again.

Then I’ll be losing that one thing I’ve been
holding on to.

So come sooner.

My time is running
out…